Good evening. Our top story tonight: the Security Council of the United Nations, in a unanimous voice, condemned terrorism this past week, saying that it was "naughty and bad." Members of the Security Council were preparing to discuss a motion approving, "ice cream, puppy dogs and The Waltons television programme" when they found it was time for milk and cookies, after which most of them left to take their nappies. Isn't international cooperation a wonderful thing?
In other news: it was revealed for the first time that President Reagan and Premier Gorbachev agreed at their recent summit that Russia and the United States would put aside their differences if the earth were attacked by aliens. The agreement in principle does not, however, allow for on-site alien verification, and limits on extra-terrestrial numbers and underground alien testing have not been established. We'll let you know if the agreement included attacks from Atlantis as soon as that information becomes available.
The case of eight Canadians suing the American Central Intelligence Agency for experiments which took place at colleges and universities in the 1960s continued. CIA representative Charles Klobber recently told reporters: "It's all in their minds." Pressed for an explanation, Klobber added: "You wouldn't believe a bunch of crazy people, would you?" It was unclear whether he was referring to the Canadians who filed the suit, or those who were testifying on behalf of the CIA.
The Canadian government admitted that it was considering a proposal to amalgamate "all the piddling little surveys and polls" that it had done for it into one "omnibus" (or, big bus) poll with 100 questions. The poll, which would be conducted every month or so, would include such questions as: "Which leader do you feel has the cutest dimples?"; "Would you be against a 50 per cent increase in the taxes of the couple living in sin down the street?" and; "Have you ever read a book?" According to government sources, one problem with the poll is finding 1,500 people willing to give up an afternoon in order to answer all 100 questions.
At this point, there was supposed to be a story about lobby groups in Ottawa, but they got wind of it and convinced our editor to discourage us from finishing it.
A poll taken in the United States indicates that five per cent of Americans believe free trade with Canada is "trade that won't cost us any money." Of the remainder, 10 per cent responded "don't know," 25 per cent answered "don't care" and 60 per cent were watching Moonlighting and refused to come to the phone to answer the questions.
On the local scene: of the 13 wolves who escaped or were let free from the Metro Toronto Zoo, all but two have been recaptured. Offers of meat and wolves of the opposite sex have not lured the animals out into the open where they can be taken, and zoo officials are said to be considering putting out colour television sets and tickets for free trips to the Bahamas. As a last resort, it is rumoured that zoo officials will be allowed to offer the wolves seats on the federal Senate.
Calls in the provincial legislature for extending the drinking and driving laws to include bicycles came after a tragic 12 bike collision that killed five and injured eight. The drivers of at least seven of the vehicles had a blood alcohol content of over 80 milligrams (the legal limit for automobiles) and admitted to drinking Sarasoda, a soft drink that contains alcohol, before getting behind the wheel. Charges against one driver, an 11 year-old who cannot be named, are to be filed as soon as police can figure out what they should be.
Reaction from the business community to the recent proposals for a minimum tax was immediate. At a press conference held this afternoon, N. Heiser Busch, Vice President of Something Indefinite but Terribly, Terribly Important of CanadaCorp, a wholly owned subsidiary of MultiNatCorp, told reporters: "Taxing the rich is idiotic. I'm rich, and I'm not ashamed to admit it. Do you realize how important rich people are? Why, if there were no rich people, who would poor people aspire to be like?"
In other business news: MPP Bette Stephenson has refused to retract remarks that the abolition of extra-billing was a "terrorist attack" on doctors. However, shadowy representatives of both the Irish Republican Army and the Palestine Liberation Organization are reportedly furious that Dr. Stephenson would lump them together with the Ontario Liberals. Premier David Peterson was unavailable for comment.
In entertainment news: it was announced that the latest Disney entertainment complex will be built at Marne-la-Valle, France, just outside of Paris. According to French planners, along with the more familiar figures of Mickey, Minnie and Goofy, the French version of Disneyland (Le Merveilleux Monde de Disney) will include figures of Jean-Paul Sartre, who will ask children questions such as "Why are you here?" and "Don't you find this existence a trifle banal?" and Eugene Ionesco, complete with rhinoceros horns. Of course, escargaux and wine will be standard fare at all the fast food restaurants.
An international incident was narrowly averted when a pair of derelicts claimed to have kidnapped Miss Piggy, who could be seen in The Muppet Show on Tour, currently playing in Toronto, and roasted her because they claimed to be starving and needed something to eat. Theatre sources stated that the derelicts had only managed to kidnap a costume, and that it could, with a little trouble, be replaced. "But," one theatre source wondered, "who would eat a pig costume? I mean - who could?"
Canadian veterans continue to be angered by a film about World War One flying ace Billy Bishop, in which it was stated that there is no evidence to back up Bishop's claim about his most famous mission. "We know that Billy did what he did," one veteran, who refused to be named, said, "and that would be good enough. But, did you know that he also...invented styrofoam? It's true. Not only that, but Billy was responsible for the theory of relativity - yeah, before that Albert guy found Billy's notes. Our Billy was a great man, boy, and make no mistake!" Historians remain skeptical.
In a story last week, we reported that Toronto Sun columnist Christie Blatchford had asid, "What's all this garbage about mousse? If I wanted plastic hair, I would staple a shredded green garbage bag to my head!" Apparently, this was incorrect. Actually, it was pop star Prince who said, "What do you mean, I'm not on the list of the 20 hottest rock stars or groups? Bruce Springsteen? U2? What do those guys have that I don't have? And, where can I get some?"
We regret any confusion our mistake may have caused.
And, finally, it's that time of year again, and we're picking up 13 unidentified objects on our weather radar. We don't know what they could be...is it possible? Are the 13 unidentified objects...Santa's sleigh and his 12 reindeer. Could they...no...no, I'm sorry. I have just been informed that the unidentified objects are incoming Russian IBMs. What a thoughtful Christmas present for the country that has everything.
Good night.
