Good evening. Our top story tonight: Comic Relief, an effort to keep famine relief in the public's mind through comic strips, took place on Wednesday. Participating were 150 American and 40 Canadian artists, who all featured hunger in their daily strips.
Now, other newspaper employees are rumoured to be getting into the act. Twenty-two North American horoscopists are considering a day devoted to famine relief in their columns, tentatively to be called Everybody's Future. A typical horoscope on this special day might read: "CANCER: Avoid sarcasm today, as somebody bigger than you are is likely to be in a bad mood. Pisces, Virgo try to influence an important decision, but they know even less about the situation than you do. Money matters: especially to those who are hungry."
If Everybody's Future is successful, the classified ad departments of all newspapers across the continent will then take up the challenge. Class Acts will attempt to have a day of famine-related classifieds, such as: "Lonely male with few permanent scars wishes to meet female with same. Should be interested in Jon Anderson, 'Hulk' Hogan and obscure Tibetan mating rituals. Only serious applicants will be considered, especially if they have donated to a recognized African Relief organization."
Bob Geldof, organizer of the original African Relief project, Band Aid, said, "We're grateful for the money, of course, but this is certainly getting a bit strange..."
In other news: both Washington and Moscow have been quiet in the aftermath of the super-power summit that took place in Geneva last week, presumably because no decision of lasting importance was made there. Word is, however, that the Swiss government is furious because towels and ashtrays were missing out of the living quarters provided for the delegations from both countries. In a fit of pique, the entire Swiss government shouted at the tops of their lungs, "We're not going to have any more summits here until all our missing towels are returned!" It is uncertain at this point whether the Russian and American governments received the message.
News seemed to dry up late Friday afternoon, baffling reporters and social scientists. However, things started happening again on Monday morning, and everybody was laughing.
It is not surprising that Conservative Revenue Minister Elmer "Not the Safety Elephant" MacKay defended the $50,000 poll that confirmed that nine out of 10 Canadians believed that Crest was a brand of toothpaste. What perhaps is surprising is that Mackay did not release some of the other results of the poll, which include the findings that 96 per cent of Canadians believed that Pontiac was a make of car, 89 per cent believed that Chevy Chase was one of the original Not Ready for Prime Time Players and that fully 99 per cent were aware that Buena Vista was a county in Iowa. I guess all that studying for Reach for the Top really paid off - ha ha.
In a related story: another government poll recently released to the public indicated that 25 per cent of Canadians believe that free trade is "trade that won't cost is any money." Of the remainder, 10 per cent responded "don't know," five per cent answered "don't care" and 60 per cent were watching Hill Street Blues and refused to come to the phone to answer the question.
On the local scene: after spending $20,000 to keep an executioner on retainer for eight years after capital punishment was abolished, the government of Ontario has decided to let the executioner go. However, the government has not made any decision on the 20,000 leeches and 50 racks presently being kept at the public's expense.
And, now, a Deadline News editorial. Ontario Auditor Doug Archer reported last week that $600,000 was wasted leasing office space in Hamilton that was never used. Come on, guys - get with it! My girlfriend and I have been looking for an apartment for eight months. If you don't want to use this space, fine - give it to us, for crying out loud! We'll pay 10 bucks a month...maybe as much as 20, depending on the quality of the dump. Well, that's my opinion, anyway.
In a story last week, we reported that Stephanie Zimbalist, star of the television programme Remington Steele had stated, "If that bum doesn't stop stepping all over my lines, I'm going to quit this business and join a nunnery!" Apparently, this was incorrect. What she actually said was, "What's all this garbage about mousse? If I wanted plastic hair, I would staple a shredded garbage bag to my head! And it was said by Toronto Sun columnist Christie Blatchford, not Stephanie Zimbalist, as originally reported.
We regret any confusion our mistake might have caused.
And, finally: Herb, it's too late.
Good night.
