"Now, say your prayers..."
"Okay. God bless Mommie and God bless Daddie. God bless President Reagan and Nancy and everybody at the Pentagon and all the good little Republicans in Washington and God bless Jerry Falwell and keep him well and remember Anita Bryant and take care of our dog, Fangs."
"That's all? What about your brother Richard?"
"Oh, yeah. And, God bless...him. And, God bless Grammie and Grappie and Granpa Walton and God bless Bob Hope and all our brave boys overseas who are willing to give their lives to protect us, no matter what race, colour, creed or religion they be. Amen."
"Amen."
"Daddy, will you tell me a story?"
"Sure, Pumpkincakes. Do you want to hear about Jack and Jill? Or, maybe, Jack and the Beanstalk? Or, how about Jack Spratt?"
"Don't Jack me around, dad. Can't you make something up?"
"Well..."
"Pleeeease? Fathers on TV make up stories for their children all the time - except when they're beating them, of course - but, they only usually ever do that on made for TV movies to get higher ratings. Oh, please, dad, make up a story. Please?"
"You're pretty precocious for a 17 year-old, Pumpkincakes. Okay. There was this little boy, and he was - well, what a coincidence! He was just about your age."
"How about that, hunh? What was his name, dad?"
"Ja - I mean...Jerry. Jerry was a restless child, with his weird hairstyle and music. Jerry's father wanted him to some day take over the family furniture restoration business, but Jerry wanted to either become a very famous rock star or remain an angry, unemployed youth until he reached the mandatory retirement age of 24."
"This is pretty scary so far, dad..."
"You don't think mandatory retirement is scary? Alright, you asked for it. Jerry always used to go downtown to play chess for a dollar and generally hung out with all his bum friends -"
"Please, dad, no moral judgments, okay?"
"Sorry. Anyway, his mother always used to warn him, 'Don't come home too late, son, or the Subway Monster will get you.' Jerry, of course, laughed. "I ain't afraid of no Subway Monster, ma,' You know how you can tell a bad guy, Pumpkincakes?"
"No, dad. How?"
"They always call their mother 'ma.' James Cagney did it in Public Enemy, and look what happened to him. Anyway, Jerry called his mother ma and laughed at all her warnings. She would tell him stories of young men, no older than 30 or 35, who got on the subway late at night and were never seen or heard from again. She said there was a Monster roaming around underground. Authorities couldn't kill it, but they found that if they fed it once in a while, it usually wouldn't delay service for more than 20 or 30 minutes."
"It was a considerate Subway Monster, eh, dad?"
"No - just hungry. Anyway, that night, Jerry was standing on the platform of the subway when...he thought he heard a growl coming from down the line. "It's probably just a train," he said to himself, but, let me tell you, something his mother said must have sunk in, because he started to get scared something fierce!"
"Oooooooh!"
"The growl subsided for a moment, then got louder. Jerry thought it was the Subway Monster coming for him! He started to run down the platform, but he was running away from the stairs! Then...the train pulled into the station..."
"DAD!"
"Wait! I'm not finished! Jerry laughed nervously and walked into the car. As he sat down, he noticed that there was only one other person on the subway, and she got off at the next stop. Then, slowly, the lights started going down. Jerry didn't hear the growling of the Subway monster until it was...too late!"
"What happened?"
"Nobody knows. They found Jerry's clothes the next day. They knew they were Jerry's clothes because his Punk Generation photo ID card was in one of the pockets. But, nobody ever saw Jerry again..."
"Oh, wow. And, the moral of the story is...never call your mother ma, right, dad?"
"Right, Pumpkincakes. Especially in the subway."
"Thanks, dad. You're the greatest!"
