Well, I guess it's that time of year again. The end. It's a time for family gatherings and for celebrations, although whether we're supposed to be celebrating the start of a new year or simply surviving the old one - well, I couldn't rightly say.
Folks have been asking me if I'm going to compile my annual year-end review. I don't know why people like it so much; I guess, after 32 years, they've just grown used to having it around. As usual, I told people: "Well, I guess we'll see come New Year's Day. Well, I guess I must have done it again, because here it is:
Best Film: We were divided on this one, I'm afraid. The youngsters all wanted Back to the Future to win, but most of us - ahem - more experienced folks were partial to Cocoon. I didn't know whether to declare a tie or no winner. Madge (the cashier at the local chain grocery store who double bags all your groceries whether you ask her to or not) suggested I compromise and declare Love and Larceny the winner. But, I can't do that, can I? I mean, it was a television show, not a movie. I'll give it to Back to the Future this year (after all, Michael J. Fox is cuter than Don Ameche). But, I want you youngsters to remember that there may not be enough of you to outvote us next year.
Most Forgettable Incident: Mrs. Bugatelli's cat getting stuck up in a tree for the 18th time in four years. You know, the City is thinking of moving the fire station closer to her house (hee hee - just kidding).
Most Wonderful Misguided Gesture: To all the folks who tried to make the neighbourhood a nuclear-free zone. Lord love you.
The Michael Ellis Award for Oratory Above and Beyond the Call of Intelligence: This one goes to City Councilman for Ward 4 (our very own) Esther Estasiuk, who said: "In light of recent findings, there is a strong suggestion of a possibility that my original assessment is contraindicated. What she meant to say, of course, is, "I might have goofed." Runner-up was Harry Mellish, the Ward 7 Councillor, who single-handedly wrote a 613 page report on sewage that could be summed up in one phrase: "Beats me."
Saddest Passing: Howard Metzger, who left us in July. May he find eternal peace in his condo in Florida.
Most Memorable Quote: "You want me to put that where?" said by Mischa Auerbach when some neighbourhood punks told him to move his car. Well, I guess you had to be there.
With Few To Mourn Its Passing: When it came time to figure out which ideal or virtue suffered the most this past year, I suggested compassion. After all, this was the year the government wanted to fool around with old age pensions, as well as cutting back on other social services. Unfortunately, most of the folks in the neighbourhood, young and old alike, voted conservative in the last federal election (one of the few things all of our citizens seem to agree upon), so that was out. Instead, we settled on finding an economical, well-built North American automobile.
Most Famous Performer Who, In The Past Year, Was Married, Appeared On Television In Front of 1.5 Billion People, Toured North America, Gave Money Away Wherever He Went And Otherwise Had A Pretty Good Time: So, who is Bruce Springsteen, anyway?
Ralphie, We Hardly Knew Ye: We were all excited about the announced revival of The Honeymooners, including new episodes, but it was never shown on the neighbourhood. Oh, well.
Out Of The Depths: Jenny Randolph wasn't seen for five months, and folks started to worry about her. When she did finally appear, all she would say was, "I was feeding my cats. I have a lot of them, you know."
Does The Prime Minister Know About This? : Arnold Pfaff scared a lot of folks by running around the neighbourhood wearing army fatigues and jumping out from behind bushes brandishing a toy machine gun. One afternoon, he confronted Mrs. Reitman, who just stared at him and asked, "Don't you have better things to do with your time than frighten old women?" "Gee, I'm sorry," the lad replied and ran off. "Typical - Canadian Rambo!" Mrs. Reitman snorted.
Meanest Person: Jeremiah Hentoff. The less said, the better.
Favourite Native Son: Marty Woodrow, who moved to Buffalo to open a modestly successful carpet wholesale outlet. You've made us all very proud, Marty; now, you do remember how to make a long distance phone call, don't you?
Favourite "Beat" Author: for the 19th year in a row, Jack Kerouac.
Yes, But Don't You Think You Should Leave Yourself Some Excitement For The New Year? : Ernie Avalon is still talking about the gall bladder operation he had in March. I don't mean to sound harsh, but isn't it about time somebody told him that we're all losing body parts?
Favourite Memory: Well, for the 32nd time in as many years, our favourite memory is sitting on the front porch, talking to folks as they passed by and the sun set in a warm, golden haze. Some swear that they distinctly remember every smell of that long-ago afternoon, but I find that hard to believe. Still, if the sunlight we remember is a little more golden than it really was, or the passersby a little friendlier, well, I guess there's nothing wrong with it. Happy New Year.
