"Alan! Hi - what are you doing here?"
"Studying Canada's free trade options. What does it look like?"
"Beer, please...well, if you want me to be truthful, it looks like you're getting drunk."
"You always could read me like a book, Jack. Bartender, another."
"What's the problem?"
"Five weeks ago, I got a notice from my cable television company. It said that they were going to start unscrambling The Life Channel at the end of the month. Naturally, I was expected to pay for it. If I didn't want the service, I had to fill out a card and mail it back to the cable company."
"That don't sound so tough."
"I didn't think it was so bad, so I sent off the card and didn't give it any more thought. But, they must have put my name on a list or something... Four weeks ago, I got a notice from the Greek God of the Month Club. You ever heard of it, Jack?"
"Can't say as I have."
"They send you a bronze statuette of a Greek God of mythology every month for several years. Geez, I never knew there were so many of them! If I didn't want this honour - and I was really tempted, let me tell you - I would have to write the company and ask them not to send me the first installment - Zeus, as I recall..."
"Okay, that's an inconvenience, but -"
"I hoped it would end there, but, of course, it never does, does it? A week later, I got a letter from the mechanic at my garage. It said that he had scheduled a complete engine overhaul in two weeks, and that I would have to reply in writing if I didn't want it. He even insisted that I include documents proving my engine had recently been checked and was in perfect running order!"
"That's pretty cheeky."
"I thought so."
"What did you do about?"
"Unfortunately, I didn't have enough time to collect the necessary documents. But, I did manage to get the last laugh."
"Really? How?"
"I let my eldest son take the car up to the cottage for a week. When they came to pick up the car, it wasn't there!"
"Great! I love it!"
"Yeah, that was pretty good... But, then, last week, I got this letter from a lawyer. He said that he was going to sue all these companies that use - what do they call it? - negative optioning. He said that, while there was nothing in the Consumer Protection Act or the Business Practices Act that covered this sort of thing, it was still a pretty sleazy way of doing business."
"It must have felt good to have somebody on your side."
"I would have felt better about it if he hadn't enclosed a card for me to fill out if I wasn't interested in joining the lawsuit..."
"I can see that."
"Then, just the other day, I got a letter from Executives 'R' Us, an executive recruitment and training organization for big business. They said that my younger son had been enrolled in their executive training programme. If we didn't reply telling them that we weren't interested, our son would have to appear at their Fresno headquarters in September. The programme lasts seven years, and we would only be allowed to see him every other July."
"Wow. What are you going to do about that?"
"My wife and I are still talking about it..."
"Oh. Another round, please."
"Thanks. You know, there's something wrong with this way of getting people to buy something. It used to be that a salesman had to convince you to buy what he was selling. Now, you have to convince the salesman that you don't want it! It don't seem right."
"Tell me about it."
"What do you know about it?"
"I got a notice from the Defense Department two months ago. Do you remember the icebreaker the government said it was going to build to protect Canadian sovereignty in the Arctic?"
"Umm...yeah. Of course."
"Well, the Defense Department says that I'm going to pay for the damn thing. Enclosed was a little card - I guess you know the type - for me to send in in case I didn't want to take them up on the offer."
"So, what did you do?"
"What could I do? I've spent the last two months going around to every bank I could think of, trying to secure a loan so I could make the first payment."
"Why didn't you just send the card back to the government?"
"There was no return address."
"Isn't that just like the government? Well, I thought I wasn't doing very well, but I guess you're worse off than I am. How much is the Arctic icebreaker gonna set you back?"
"Hundreds of millions, maybe over a billion. Hard to say, really..."
"Phew! That's a lot of money!"
"It sure is. But, when I'm through paying it off, I will be able to say that I own an icebreaker."
"Yeah, but what can you do with it?"
"I'll bet it can break the ice at parties."
"Oh. Very humourous... Thanks for the drink."
"No problem. Oh, could you do me a little favour?"
"Depends. What?"
"Could you lend me $3,400,000.98 till the end of the month?"
