I got to the zoo very early that Monday morning. I hadn't planned on seeing the giant pandas before they were shipped back to China, but like so many others in the city, I fell in love with the pictures of them on television and in newspapers, and I just had to see them for myself.
Damn! - they were adorable.
The pandas were kept in a very large pen. Bamboo remains were strewn about the place. I walked up to the large fence that surrounded the pandas (to keep people out, no doubt). One of the pandas was fast asleep on the far side of the enclosure; the other panda loped lazily to where I was standing.
"Hi," I said, cheerfully, "I'm Ira. What's your name?"
"Ira?" the panda asked, sleepily. "Ira Nayman?"
I was surprised. "Why...yes. But, how...?"
"A fish told me to expect you," the panda explained. The black and white creatures always looked a bit sad, and, throughout the conversation that followed, I found it impossible to read the expression on their faces. "I wasn't expecting you to leave it this late, though."
"Well, you know how it is..." I said, a little guilty. Pandas have a way of making you feel that way. "So, are you Qing Qing?"
"No, I'm Quan Quan."
"But, you're the male, right?"
"No, I'm a girl."
"Good...good. So, how are you?"
"Fine. We're both a little homesick, but I guess that's to be expected. We have been away for three months..."
"Sure," I agreed, shuffling nervously. It's difficult to know exactly what to say when you're talking to a zoo attraction.
"How are you?"
"Can't complain," I lied. Of course I could have complained; it's human nature. But, what would be the point? What can a giant panda from China know about a human being's life in North America? We looked at each other for a moment, then looked away, not knowing what to say.
"I...I was sorry to hear about the Blue Jays," the panda stated.
"There's always next year," I commented, then caught myself. "How did you know about that?"
"People talk," the panda told me. "After telling us how cute we are, everybody would start talking about the Blue Jays. It was always Blue Jays this, Blue Jays that. Tell me: what are Blue Jay, anyway?"
"Just a bunch of birds."
"Funny country you got here."
I was about to explain further when the other panda, Qing Qing, woke up with a roar. Some children watching the pandas from a different part of the fence started giggling and clapping. "Oh, oh," Quan Quan said. "Listen, be gentle with him, okay? He's always a bit grumpy when he first wakes up."
"Sure," I said, watching the other giant panda slowly make his way over to where we were standing.
"What's for breakfast?" he asked.
"Bamboo shoots?" Quan Quan tentatively told him.
"Bamboo shoots!" Qing Qing snorted. "That's all we ever have. Why don't we ever eat anything other than bamboo shoots?"
"Because we're giant pandas, dear," Quan Quan reminded him.
"Yeah," Qing Qing said, noncommittally.
"Hi," I greeted the male panda. He didn't respond, so I continued: "It's nice seeing you. The two of you make a cute couple -"
"Sure," Qing Qing growled. "Come in here and say that!"
"Now, dear," Quan Quan cautioned him, "there's no need to get abusive. Remember: we are visitors here, after all. Be nice."
Qing Qing refused to lighten up. "I'm getting sick and tired of this human tendency to anthropomorphize. I'm not a human being, and I don't care to be given human attributes, thank you very much! Humann beings are responsible for our imminent extinction, and all they can do is put us in cages and tell us how much we're like them!"
"Wait a minute," I protested, although not too strongly. "I thought that the giant panda numbers were decreasing because of a shortage of the bamboo you feed off of."
Qing Qing turned to Quan Quan. "Why do you talk to idiots?" he asked. "Haven't I told you never to talk to idiots?" He turned back to me. "Look, all those factories and buildings you've constructed have destroyed the land bamboo used to grow on. Progress is more important to you than nature, and we're just one of the casualties. Get it?" Quan Quan tapped his head.
"But," I insisted, ignoring the panda's sarcasm, "I'm not personally responsible for that. And, we're trying to make up for it: you're going home with $750,000 that will be used to help preserve the giant pandas..."
"In giant jars?" Qing Qing asked. Then, softer: "Okay, we do appreciate the money. But, don't you see that this is just a more sophisticated form of anthropomorphization?"
"In what way?"
"There are countless North American animal species on the verge of extinction. Don't you think it's hypocritical of you to put all this money towards us when you put so little towards saving your own animals? You do it because we're 'cute,' while your own animals don't appeal to you on the same emotional level."
I thought about this for a moment. "I...I don't know..."
"Yeah, of course," Qing Qing replied. "It's a real shame. But, it's human nature. Now, if you don't mind, I'm going to grab a bite to eat." The giant panda moved off into a corner and started gnawing on a piece of bamboo.
"You'll have to forgive him," Quan Quan apologized for her mate. "I think he just wants to go home."
"I understand," I said, adding: "You don't mind if I think you two are cute, do you?"
"Whatever works for you," Quan Quan replied and...winked?
