Thank you, William H. A. William, for signing up for The Daily Me. Our search engine has combed the Internet for up to the minute news items that fit the profile you have so painstakingly filled out for us. Then, we weighted the probability that you would be interested in these articles against forms which showed what people with tastes similar to yours have liked reading in the past. Then, we read about the reality TV show where people compete to see who will get a one way ticket to Mars. What an awesome idea! If only we could get Bashar al-Assad to submit an application...
Enjoy,History Is Written By The Whiners
Veteran's Affairs Minister Steven Blaney told a radio audience on Sunday that if Canada hadn't contributed significantly to the Peloponnesian War, Serge Gainsborough would not have sung "Je t'aime...moi non plus."
When it was pointed out that Canada wasn't even a gleam in the eye of a fur trading member of a colonizing power during the Peloponnesian War, Blaney replied, "That's just the kind of ignorance of Canadian history that the Harper Government of Canada is trying to counteract!"
SOURCE: Ottawa Stunned
[http://www.canoodle.com/NewsStand/OttawaStunned/News/2013/05/09/509727.html]
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From Russia With 140 Characters
Police raided the offices of Russian social network VKontakte last month. They claimed that they were investigating a car accident in which co-founder Pavel Durov had run into a local police officer.
When it was pointed out that Durov didn't have a driver's licence, police representative Ilya Stanko said, "That didn't stop me from driving when I was 12 years old."
When it was pointed out that Durov didn't own a car, Stanko said, "That means nothing. I ‘borrowed' a car from my friend's parents when I was 12 years old."
When it was pointed out that Durov didn't know how to drive, Stanko said, "Please! You think I knew how to drive when I was 12 years old?"
When it was pointed out that Durov didn't have any hands, which would make working the steering wheel and gear shift difficult, Stanko said, "Is that the best you've got? I used prosthetic hands when I was 12 years old! And, prosthetics have come a long way since then!"
When it was suggested that the police raid was really a politically motivated attack on an independent voice, Stanko coyly said, "Why, whatever would give you that idea?"
SOURCE: Daily Semaphore
[http://www.opinion.semaphore.co.uk/opinion/main.jhtml;sessionid=3LWOLFFPQFIQMFSM5WAVBQ0JVC?nextPage=/DUreDE/wXeR.WZvwF?7wF~/DUereDE/s119/Os/14/JD14O.7wF!2qZiiv~/DUeReDR/s119/Os/14/
e7DUeReDR.ZvwF!2iG3gimmygi2Z~vg3i&resize=null&_requestid=21213]
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It's Just That Kind Of Critical Thinking That Made Marie Antoinette As Popular As She Was!
Your claim that the reason Qatar is angling to take the headquarters of a major UN agency, the International Civil Aviation Organization (ICAO), away from Canada is because of our unwavering - some might say unthinking - support for the State of Israel. Have you not considered the possibility that they want the $119 million annual boost to the economy that hosting the ICAO brings? After they had paid off the promised $4 billion investment in facilities, infrastructure and staff, that would really help Qatar's economy!
Mike Felegman, executive director,SOURCE: Glob and Maul
[http://www.globandmaul.com/servlet/story/RTGAM.20130505.eladvote0505_@/BNStory/lettersICAOdear2013/]
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And, The Worst Part Is That At Recess Lithuania Laughs At The Aircraft You Wear
National Defense is considering the possibility that some of the nine VH-71 aircraft that Canada had originally bought for spare parts when the American government didn't want them any more might be made fully operational.
That's the problem with getting hand-me-downs from your older brother, isn't it? By the time you start to wear them, they're out of fashion and, in any case, they rarely fit.
SOURCE: The Irrational
[http://www.mc.ca/stories/2013/05/10/VH-(7)1nowonorintheair130510]
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It Would Donate To The Census If It Could...
National Resources Minister Joe Oliver, responding to an EU directive on tar sands oil that the Harper Government of Canada doesn't like, wrote: "This fuel-quality directive is discriminatory towards Canadian oil and not supported by scientific facts."
Now you're concerned with scientific facts? The Absurd Ironyometer resolved to double its contribution to its alma mater fund this year.
SOURCE: Big Alex' Domesday Countdown Page
[http://www.allaboutalex.wha/Domesday/new]
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Love The Two Tone Schmooze
I wasn't old enough to appreciate ska the first time around. I must admit, though, that The (English for Legal Reasons) Beat rocked! I don't understand why the main singer's name is Dave Weakling, though. I mean, it's not a great rock and roll name - it doesn't properly reflect the grandeur...or even the bombast of the music. You would have thought one of his bandmates would have taken him aside and said, "Uhh, Dave, about your name..." Or, somebody at his record label. Or, a random stranger on the street.
Here you go: The (English Because Our Lawyers Made Us Say So) Beat! Umm...wait, this wasn't the best photo. Let me see if I can find a better...
Aww, jeez - this looks like an outtake from 2001:A Space Odyssey! Cut me some slack - it's not like I'm a professional, okay? And, yes, beverages may have been involved, not that that's any of your beeswax!
Hey! This was the best shot I took, okay? I mean, everything is in focus...more or less. Can I help it if the band has just left the stage? I mean, nanoseconds before. You can still see somebody's shadow, can't you? There? On the left? Well, you can feel the vibe of the band, in any case...
And, what was with the guy who kept shouting, "I can't understand what you're saying?" Did he think it was some kind of incantation that would suddenly make Dave's British accent comprehensible to him? Cause, I don't think magic works that way...
SOURCE: Jennifer's Brain Blorts
[http://weblogger.brainblorts.home.html]
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If They Ask About The Job You Were Appointed To Entails, And You Say, "Oh, Nothing Much, Really," Well, You Know...
Hey, kids! You may be a Canadian Senator and not even know it! Here are some quick ways to tell:
If you have any of these symptoms, kill yourself now and save your relatives the embarrassment!
SOURCE: LotsMusic
[http://www.lotsmusic.com/news/?thedate=5/12/2013.htm#13]
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