Thank you, Beauregard Mitosis, for signing up for The Daily Me. Our search engine has combed the Internet for up to the minute news items that fit the profile you have so painstakingly filled out for us. Then, we weighted the probability that you would be interested in these articles against forms which showed what people with tastes similar to yours have liked reading in the past. Then, we read about a beaver that bit a man to death in Belarus. A beaver. Bit a man! Bit him! In the thigh! Dead! All the man was trying to do was take the animal's picture! Some people have suggested that this is the result of human encroachment on beaver habitats. Others assume that the animal was rabid. Still others assume that it was making a statement about the invasiveness of paparazzi and taking a radical stand for privacy. We cannot be sure, of course, but we find the fact that, soon after the incident, Canadian Prime Minister Stephen Harper decided not to replace the beaver with a rampaging sasquatch as the country's national animal highly suggestive. Highly suggestive, indeed...
Enjoy,Parents in Kentucky are outraged that children as young as five have access to "My Little Murder Kit." The kit includes: a rifle designed to be fired by small hands, a hack saw to dismember the body, plastic sheeting to dismember the body on and a little pink or blue shovel to dig up the dirt to bury the parts. Already, there is an app that children can use on their phones that will show them where the best places to bury the body in their area are.
Supporters of the MLM Kit point out that you have to be over 18 to buy it. "Yeah, well, when your daughter comes home in tears because all of the other children at her kindergarten drew pictures of playing with assault rifles but she didn't," said Northwest Gwillumbury mother Alicia Sur-LaTable, "it becomes hard to refuse to get one for her!"
"The My Little Murder Kit has nothing to do with the rising gunshot death rate among six to twelve year-olds," NRA Executive Vice President Wayne LaPierre argued. "Its purpose is to help youngsters become better hunters...by learning how to dismember and bury the rabbits they shoot."
SOURCE: Cleveland Wheeler Dealer
[http://www.cleveland.ca/enter/index.ssf?/living/wheelerdealer/index.ssf%3fu/base/news/1306767525263480.xml]
more
This is Oklahoma State Representative Dennis Johnson, discussing a small business support bill. Then, apologizing for his contribution to the discussion of a small business support bill. Sort of. Then, non-apology apologizing for his discussion of a small business support bill.
How does anybody believe that using a derogatory phrase such as "Jew me down" is made better by pointing out how good Jews are at business? The Bag of Crazy is full of mysteries. Oh, and is there any way we can retire the phrase "I didn't mean to offend anyone" from public discourse? You might as well say, "I'm sorry that other people are so thin-skinned. Really, it's not like I said [INSERT YOUR FAVOURITE ETHNIC STREOTYPE HERE] - now, that would have been really offensive!"
I could go on, but I feel like Johnson has Christianed me over, and I don't want to have to non-apology apologize for what I might say in response.
SOURCE: Karl's Big Red Web Page of Unreconstructed Marxism
[http://www.bigred.commie/articles/218^.htm]
more
All That Would Be Left Are Writers, And That Would Be A Disaster For The Publishing Industry!
SOURCE: No Comment Quotes
[http://thesepeopleareinsane.psy/update.toshtml]
more
It'll All Come Out In The Wa - Yeah, Maybe I Shouldn't Go There...
Worried about a flu pandemic, the City of Toronto spent $571,000 two years ago on hand sanitizer that it almost completely threw out two days ago without using.
We're sure City officials would like to wash their hands of the whole mess, but, ironically, they just got rid of the means to do so.
SOURCE: The Matrixxx
[http://www.thematrixxxto.com/news/city/time-to-come-clean/]
more
Quebec high school student Alexandre Boulerice has dared to suggest that in war people die. Prime Minister Stephen Harper's response: "His comments were outrageous, inflammatory, unacceptable and...and...and...argh!"
We couldn't agree more. Especially with the argh part. Everybody knows that this country was founded on bloodless blood lust and hockey. If Boulerice doesn't agree, he can go to school in whatever other country he wants! Let's see how he likes the education system in Afghanistan!
SOURCE: Vancouver Stunned
[http://www.canoodle.com/NewsStand/VancouverStunned/News/2013/05/02/509727.html]
more
She Carried Him For Nine Months - Surely, She's Earned The Right To Cash In!
NBA star Kobe Bryant is suing Goldin Auctions for selling a consignment of personal items on behalf of his mother, Pamela. The consignment included: a nipple he teethed on when he was three months old; a crayon drawing of...it's hard to tell - he was only three when he drew it - it could be a...flying saucer? Or, maybe Godzilla, and; six soiled diapers that he wore between the ages of one month and twelve years.
"Man, that shit is personal!" the Los Angeles Lakers player said in his lawsuit. "Especially the used diapers. I mean - why would anybody keep those?"
The consignment was expected to yield between $150,000 and $230,000.
SOURCE: The Schwartz Sports Report
[http://www.schwartzsportsreport.com/ssr-news.shtml.htm#77336133741]
more
Bangladeshi Finance Minister Abul Maal Abdul Muhith has said that the factory collapse that took 500 lives "wasn't really serious." He pointed out that the autopsies of the first bodies taken from the wreckage showed that five had died by being hit by lightning, seven had died from falling off a cliff and at least 17 had had their bones picked clean by fire ants.
"Accidents happen," he said, adding: "Please, please, please, please, please don't take your factories out of our country just because we have a fire ant problem!"
The government promised greater inspections and the pulling of licences five months ago, when 112 people were killed in an incident at a Bangladeshi factory involving penguin inhalation, but those plans have yet to be implemented. "You see?" Finance Minister Muhith, "We have experience dealing with this sort of thing. Please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please ..."
SOURCE: Ferbs
[http://www.ferbs.com/sites/hosannabearsling/2013/05/04/why-crazy-people-make-better-finance-ministers/]
more
