Thank you, Whuppity Stoorie, for signing up for The Daily Me. Our search engine has combed the Internet for up to the minute news items that fit the profile you have so painstakingly filled out for us. Then, we weighted the probability that you would be interested in these articles against forms which showed what people with tastes similar to yours have liked reading in the past. Then, we heard about parents in the Louisiana town of Moss Bluff (you know the one - it's right next door to Fern Fake and down the highway from Daisy Deke) who are considering pulling their children from a local elementary school. Why? Because they believe that hand scanners in the cafeteria meant to speed up sales will imprint their children with the Number of the Beast (as featured in the Book of Revelations and on Maury Povich!) and trigger the End Times. But, wait, don't they want sinners to be judged so that the righteous can feel all smugly superior as they ascend to sit a few streets down from the throne of god?
Peter Tosh was right: everybody wants to get to heaven, but no one wants to trigger the apocalypse.
Enjoy,Don't Ask About The Sneakers - You Probably Can't Afford Them!
INT. SHOPPING MALL - DAY
HELGA (14) and MELBA (also 14) sit at a table, picking at French fries.
HELGA: Nice shirt. Where'd you get it?
MELBA: The Tooth Gap.
HELGA: No, but, I mean, where was it made?
MELBA: Oh, ah, China, I think.
HELGA: So, it cost 39 lives?
MELBA: Naah - I got it on sale. It cost 70 lives.
HELGA: Humph - is that supposed to impress me? See this shirt? Nice, hunh?
MELBA: It's okay.
HELGA: I got it at American Appalling, direct from Bangladesh. You know how many lives it cost me?
MELBA: No.
HELGA: Go on. Take a guess.
MELBA: Umm...89 lives?
HELGA: It cost me 112 lives. And, that included shipping and taxes!
MELBA: It's a lovely shirt, but, I don't know, is it worth the price?
HELGA: Are you kidding? We're doing them a favour by giving them our business!
SOURCE: Weekends!
[http://www.nobc.com/Weekends/video/play.shtml?mea=227503]
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You Don't Have To Be Schrodinger To Know That A Lot Of Egos Were Demolished
University of Rochester Professor Carl Hagen and Peter Higgs have been arrested for disturbing the peace after a wine-fueled fight broke out at a particle physics conference in Oslo.
Witnesses to the disturbance claimed that Hagen threw a banana martooni into Higgs' face and screamed, "Two hundred and thirty-seven scientists around the world worked on discovering the boson, and you think you're gonna get away with hogging all of the credit? You rat bastard!"
Higgs is said to have angrily responded with, "You wanna piece of my Nobel? Come and get it, you rat turd!" and a left hook. By the time police were called in, over two dozen of the world's top scientists were involved in the melee.
We won't know if anybody has died until the police let journalists look into the room where the fight is said to have taken place.
SOURCE: Scientific Canadian
[http://www.scican.com/article.cfm?chanID=sc003&articleID=1274H3E-2CBC145-20K5-AA1982614B713331]
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If They're Lucky, They'll Get A TA Who Doesn't Have Time To Properly Mark Their Essay
You know what the perfect hack job is? Essay writing for college students. You gotta figure that if they don't know how to write an essay, they won't know that you don't know how to write an essay. And, when they get a bad mark - and they will - are they gonna admit that they were so stupid that they paid for an essay that wasn't even well written?
SOURCE: Titters Comedy Club
U[http://www.titters.com/info/TittersClubs/ElginClub/elgNowAppearing.cfm]
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You Don't Need A Weatherman To Know Which Way The Government Blows
The Harper Government of Canada has redesigned the weather page of the Environment Canada Web site. Among other things, the page now shows: dollars permanently raining down on Alberta; blue skies shining down upon the pipeline that ships tar sands oil to the east, and; earthquakes periodically tearing Toronto apart.
All around the information are logos touting the Harper Government of Canada's Economic Inaction Plan. "Everybody does something about the weather," the ads claim. "We only talk about it!"
SOURCE: Ottawa Stunned
[http://www.canoodle.com/NewsStand/OttawaStunned/News/2013/04/25/609726.html]
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You Know That Whole "It's Too Soon" To Make Jokes Thing? Apparently, It Doesn't Apply To Republicans
SOURCE: Ending Trending Web Site
[http://endingtrending.blurgh/ring-a-bell/]
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You Mean, The Lawyer Who Wears A Size Sixteen Loafer?
Catholic elementary school vice principle Stephen Patel threw his shoe at a student during a bus trip to Montreal.
"It was a teachable moment," Patel claimed. "I wanted the students to know how it felt to be former President George W. Bush."
When asked why he wanted to teach students that particular emotion, Patel said that any other questions would have to go through his attorney.
SOURCE: The Chronicle of Lower Education
[http://lowerchronicle.com/weekly/v56/i13/36a02601.htm]
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The Law Is A...Institution In Need Of Sensitivity Training
The Harper Government of Canada has unveiled its new campaign to combat cyberbullying. Called, "What? You Too Cowardly to Confront Your Enemies Face to Face? LOSER!" the campaign includes a "How to tell if you're being a douchebag" questionnaire and the threat, "You think it's funny? Keep it up, asshat, and we'll show you how funny it is!"
"I, uhh, I think they may have missed the, you know, the point," said Liberal leader Justin Trudeau.
SOURCE: The Irrational
[http://www.mc.ca/stories/2013/04/27/trudeaudoh130427]
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Their Parents Thought They Were Saving Up For A New X-Box
A study of Internet pornography by researchers at Copenhagen's Fershlugginer Institute of Horniness Research has shown that it is not as influential on teen's sexual behaviour as some people fear. "This makes sense," lead researcher Gert Martin Frobe stated. "People who spend an appreciable amount of time watching others - please forgive the technical term - getting it on don't ordinarily have the time to get it on themselves!"
Critics of the research paper point out that it was funded by a consortium of 14 to 18 year-old American boys. "Oh, well, ah, really? I had no, umm, no i..." Frobe trailed off when he saw all of the journalists in the room softly shake their heads. "That, uhh, that's not going to be terribly convincing, is it? Okay. I knew where the funding was coming from. Knew it all along. But, the source of the funding had no affect on the study's conclusions. None whatsoever. None at all.
"There. That's totally convincing...right?"
The response of the journalists in the room is forthcoming.
SOURCE: Alternate Reality News Service
[http://www.arns.com/sinbin?id=36712641300941314677fx]
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