Thank you, Epiphany Zerbesias, for signing up for The Daily Me. Our search engine has combed the Internet for up to the minute news items that fit the profile you have so painstakingly filled out for us. Then, we weighted the probability that you would be interested in these articles against forms which showed what people with tastes similar to yours have liked reading in the past. Then, we decided that we would not eat any more processed meat until we knew what the process actually was. Unfortunately, we found out, and now that we know what the process is, we're too disgusted to put the meat in our mouths. Would it be possible to get processed meat liquified so that we could inject it directly into our stomachs?
Enjoy,Steubenville Is As Steubenville Does
Two minors in the town of Steubenville have been found guilty of raping a drunk and unconscious minor. This seems like an unfortunate waste of an opportunity, the boys' promising football careers cut short by a prison sentence before they had even begun.
Of course, if they had just waited until they had turned pro to rape a drunk and unconscious minor, there would have been no problem.
SOURCE: The Schwartz Sports Report
[http://www.schwartzsportsreport.com/ssr-news.shtml.htm#56238133665]
more
Right Solution, Wrong Problem
According to Statistics Canada, there were six jobless people for every available job in the country in December.
If, as rumoured, Finance Minister Jim Flaherty's budget contains new money for job training, this should help the situation. Then, there would be six qualified jobless people for every available job in Canada.
SOURCE: The Financial Riposte
[http://www.canada.com/national/nationalwhippingpost/financialriposte/story.html?id=69ddmyers7ccpeniston-f6f3-9f25-a2eieiocc6a530]
more
The Three Rules Of Successful Politicians: Prioritize! Prioritize! Execute Proper Blocking At The Line Of Scrimmage!
The Mayor's executive committee has rejected a recommendation by the city's lobbyist watchdog that would have forbidden after-hours communication between lobbyists and public office-holders.
"I'm way too busy during the day to meet with all of the lobbyists who want to talk to me," explained Toronto Mayor Rob Ford. "I mean, really, when would I have time to coach high school football?"
SOURCE: Toronto Stunned
[http://www.canoodle.com/NewsStand/TorontoStunned/News/2013/03/18/609726.html]
more
Breaking The Cheney Of Command
One of the questions I am least frequently asked is: "Isn't former Vice President Dick Cheney a resident of the Bag of Crazy?" And, when I'm not asked that question, I almost never answer: "Resident? Cheney has one of the biggest mansions in the bag, with enough security to protect a small Latin American country and a petting zoo!"
Since leaving office, Cheney has had the sense to keep his paranoid fantasies to himself. Except when he hasn't. This recent gem was part of his "Keeping Torture Alive - 2013 Tour." Forget the fact that just about every military interrogator on record has said that torture doesn't work, or that there is no proof that it has saved a single life. Cheney's advisers on this issue are clearly Jack Bauer and Master Sergeant Hans Georg Schultz.
Fictional characters don't reside in the Bag of Crazy (unless you count Ted Nugent), but so many of the real people who do live there think they have fictional characters as neighbours that I may as well charge them rent!
SOURCE: Karl's Big Red Web Page of Unreconstructed Marxism
[http://www.bigred.commie/articles/218^.htm]
more
Reports confirm that six in five tech ignorant publishers reject an author's manuscript based on the advice of marketing gurus who tell them that they need well structured social media profiles. Don't ask us which reports - that's proprietary. Reports we have read - that's all you need to know.
Every day there are new articles, blog posts and smoke signals about this crazy social media thing, usually written by the same advisers to the publishers mentioned in the previous paragraph. That's not a shady business practice, it's intellectual consistency. And, the intellectually consistent message is clear: ask not what non-traditionally published (wink wink) authors can do for social media, ask what social media can do for non-traditionally published (you know who you are) authors!
Here are 4 reasons why you must, definitely need to, most assuredly are required to, absolutely should have a Farcebook/ChainLinkedin/Twitherd/TPinterest profile when beginning your career as an author.
SOURCE: Unread Book News
[http://217.204.43.47/cgi/NGoto/2/64382861?3518]
more
I Believed In His Apology Right Up To The Point Where He Said: "To..."
Plymouth County Sheriff Joseph McDonald has apologized for telling a joke at a Republican gathering about Abraham Lincoln appearing to President Obama in a dream and suggesting that he go to the Ford Theatre to watch a wonderful new play he had heard about. (The joke is that Obama wouldn't see the end of the play because the Ford Theatre is where Presidents go to get assassinated.)
"Mumble mumble mumble," Sheriff McDonald stated, "didn't mean to offend anybody...mumble mumble mumble...some people just don't appreciate satire...mumble mumble mumble...stop sending me angry emails...mumble mumble mumble...so, yeah, I apologize, I guess..."
That would have been good enough if he hadn't added: "And, anybody who was offended by the joke should dream about a nice sea voyage...on the Titanic!"
SOURCE: The Podunk Mash & Enquirer
[http://www.podunkmash.com/wp-dyn/articles/A49337-2013Mar21.html]
more
Full Court Cypress On Banks
One positive aspect of the on-going crisis in Cypress is that sales of mattresses have skyrocketed. Apparently, after the run on Cypriot banks caused by the IMF-imposed tax on deposits, the average citizen bought 6.37 mattresses in order to store their money.
"The coins are a little lumpy," admitted bleary-eyed Cypriot Nicos Nocisian, "but at least I know that they won't be taken away from me!"
Cypriot central bank Governor Panicos "No, Really, Don't, We Beg of You" Demetriades shrugged and said, "At this point, we'll take all the economic activity we can get!"
SOURCE: Daily Semaphore
[http://www.opinion.semaphore.co.uk/opinion/main.jhtml;sessionid=M5UF23LWOLFFPQFIQMFSM5WAVCBQ0JVC?nextPage=/DUereDE/wXeR.WZvwF?7wF~/DUereDE/s119/Os/14/JD141O.7wF!2qZiiv~/DUeReDR/s149/
Os/14/e7DUeReDR.ZvwF!2iG3gimmygi2Z~vg3i&resize=null&_requestid=21213]
more
Giggle Giggle - He Said: "Members!"
The Boy Scouts of America has sent a survey to members and parents asking them a series of questions about how they feel about homosexuals being accepted into the organization. A typical question reads: "Marty wears heavy makeup, even though he's not a Goth, listens exclusively to the Village People, the Pet Shop Boys and Barbara Streisand and, oh, yeah, DREAMS OF HAVING DISGUSTING CARNAL RELATIONS WITH SCOUTMASTER BOB IN A NATURAL SETTING UNDER THE CANOPY OF THE STARS. Would you be comfortable with your son sharing a tent with him on an overnight campout?"
BSA Troop Leader for Whitewashing Public Discrimination Rory Yarborough explained: "We're trying to get a clear and unbiased sense of our members' perspectives and concerns on this issue."
SOURCE: Yellow Triangle Blues
[http://ytb.gay/February_2013/scouts.htm]
more
