Thank you, ryunosukezmutukiJrodriguez1@softbank.ne.jp, for signing up for The Daily Me. Our search engine has combed the Internet for up to the minute news items that fit the profile you have so painstakingly filled out for us. Then, we weighted the probability that you would be interested in these articles against forms which showed what people with tastes similar to yours have liked reading in the past. Then, we were outraged, outraged, we tell you, that the Canadian Radio-television and Telecommunications Commission said that the Oprah Winfrey Network (Canada) didn't qualify as educational programming. What a bunch of hicks! Why, just the other day, we learned that Justin Bieber's lyrics caused miscarriages in Latino women who weren't even pregnant, crying is the new smiling, crushing the body of an Ethiopian schooner beetle and adding it to banana baby food is a potential cure for Addison's Terpsichore and one of Kristen Stewart's past lives was Chester Conklin.
Boy, if we thought the CRTC would actually do anything about its finding - you know, like revoke the network's licence or something - we might have been moved to act on our outrage!
Enjoy,Turnabout is Foreplay
Learning of the death of Canadian Prime Minister Stephen Harper, Venezuelan President Hugo Chavez stated, "I hope the people of Canada can now build for themselves a better, brighter future based on the principles of freedom, democracy, the rule of law and respect for human rights."
He was roundly condemned by leaders of the international community for the insensitivity of his remarks.
SOURCE: Alternate Reality News Service
[http://www.arns.com/sinbin?id=32559648494641302787fx]
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The American Food and Drug Administration's "generally recognized as safe" list of chemicals approved for consumption includes brominated vegetable oil. You know brominated vegetable oil, right? It's used in flame retardants.
"To be fair," said FDA spokesweasel Randall MacFerret, "since we allowed the use of brominated vegetable oil in food products, the incidence of spontaneous combustion in the general population has gone way down!"
SOURCE: Scientific Canadian
[http://www.scican.com/article.cfm?chanID=sc003&articleID=1132H3EC-2C145-20K5-AAA1582614B722322]
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Don't Hold Your Breath Looking For It On The DVD (Unless You're Into Auto-erotic Asphyxiation)
9pm. The Home National Geographic Channel. Border Busters. Canada Border Services agent Bob Mackenzie extorts sexual favours from female illegal immigrants in exchange for not having them deported while his partner busies herself with other things. Then, he has them deported anyway. UPDATE: this episode was cancelled, replaced by an episode featuring a heroic raid on a boat intending to drop illegal immigrants off the coast of British Columbia.
SOURCE: Ukrainian TV Guide
[http://www.tvguide.ua/listings/index.asp?referrerID=0&returnurl=%2Flistings%2Findex%2Easp%3F®Mode=0]
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His Response Was As Measured And Thoughtful As It Was Dismissive
Ben Emmerson, the United Nations special rapporteur on human rights and counterterrorism, has determined that American drone strikes within the country violate Pakistani sovereignty.
"Yeah, so?" US President Barack Obama responded to the report.
"So, nothin'," Emmerson responded to the American response. "I was just sayin'..."
SOURCE: Daily Semaphore
[http://www.opinion.semaphore.co.uk/opinion/main.jhtml;sessionid=M5UF78LWOLFFPQFIQMFSM5WAVCBQ0JVC?nextPage=/DUereDE/wXeR.WZvwF?7wF~/DUereDE/s119/Os/14/JD141O.7wF!2qZiiv~/DUeReDR/s119/Os/
14/e7DUeReDR.ZvwF!2iG3gimmygi2Z~vg3i&resize=null&_requestid=594460]
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The Magic Mirror Was Strangely Silent On The Issue
The Ontario government has put to rest reports that it will be changing its funding formula to allow the city of Toronto to retain a greater percentage than other cities of the profits from a casino if one is built there.
But, don't worry, Toronto - you're still the prettiest girl at the party. Yes, you are, girl! Oh, yes, you are! Who is just the prettiest little thing? Yeeeeeaaaassss, it's you! You're the prettiest little thing!
SOURCE: The Matrixxx
[http://www.thematrixxxto.com/news/city/flattery-will-get-you-everywhere-except-the-cne-grounds/]
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Maybe He Confused It With The Vaguely Anachronistic Vivisection Act (VAVA)
It's nice to see bi-partisan support for something as uncontroversial as the Violence Against Women Act (VAWA). Of course, it's hard to know exactly how Representative Steve King supported the act since he voted against its passage. Maybe he meant he held the bill up in the air while he condemned it as unconstitutional. Or, perhaps he offered to replace the leg of a wobbly table on which a copy of the bill rested.
The thing about life in the Bag of Crazy is that there are so many theoretical explanations for inexplicable behaviour. Perhaps Representative King has selective aphasia, and has mixed up the words "for" and "against." It's possible that he had hallucinated that he was Susan B. Anthony in a previous life. Maybe he's just easily confused.
Or, maybe he thinks members of the public are.
SOURCE: Karl's Big Red Web Page of Unreconstructed Marxism
[http://www.bigred.commie/articles/218^.htm]
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Just Like Everybody Else
It has been revealed that Tom Flanagan, a former adviser to the Harper Government of Canada, was on the mailing list of NAMBLA (the North American Man-Boy Love Association) for several years. But, he wanted everybody to know that "I only subscribed to the newsletter for the articles."
SOURCE: Glob and Maul
[http://www.globandmaul.com/servlet/story/RTGAM.20130312.eladvote0312_@/BNStory/newsMajorOops2013/]
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Art Is In The Eye Of The Blow Upper
BOB: Hey, Bill.
BILL: Hi, Bob.
BOB: You're looking a little glum.
BILL: You know how it is - some days are better than others.
BOB: What's the matter?
BILL: Aww, shucks, you know. Ever since the Pentagon said it wouldn't be giving out medals to drone pilots after all, well, it's just taken all the fun out of killing people you don't know thousands of miles away from where you work.
BOB: Yeah - we were all disappointed. Still, the work is its own reward...right?
BILL: I guess...
PAUSE.
BOB: (enthusiastic) Wanna blow up an Afghan wedding?
BILL: I dunno...
BOB: Come on! You know how much you love the smoke and chaos and blood - it'll perk you right up!
BILL: (smiles shyly) I...I do like it when red blood streaks a white wedding dress. It's very...artistic.
BOB: Exactly. And, do artists care about medals? Of course not! Creating a masterpiece is its own reward! So, we gonna blow up an Afghan wedding, or what?
BILL: YEAH! HELL, YEAH! LET'S BLOW UP AN AFGHAN WEDDING!
BOB: Great. Just give me a second to find one attended by somebody we can plausibly label a terrorist...
SOURCE: Weekends!
[http://www.nobc.com/Weekends/video/play.shtml?mea=227497]
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Take All The Time You Need (They Already Have Their Independence)
A member of the audience at the Conservative Political Action Committee conference over the weekend defended slavery, claiming that it was responsible for feeding and housing blacks.
When somebody asked CPAC participant Scott Terry, "Like Welfare feeds and houses blacks today?" he responded, "Of course not. Welfare breeds dependence, and I believe that blacks should learn to be...oh...umm...they should learn to be independ - uhh, can you, err, give me a moment to think through some of the implications of this position a little better?"
SOURCE: The Podunk Mash & Enquirer
[http://www.podunkmash.com/wp-dyn/articles/A49882-2013Mar14.html]
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