Thank you, Bondarenko, James Bondarenko, for signing up for The Daily Me. Our search engine has combed the Internet for up to the minute news items that fit the profile you have so painstakingly filled out for us. Then, we weighted the probability that you would be interested in these articles against forms which showed what people with tastes similar to yours have liked reading in the past. Then, President Obama, discussing the sequester, argued he couldn't perform a "Jedi mind meld" to get Republicans to agree on a deal. Jedi mind meld! Ha ha ha! What a rube! "Beam me up, Obi-Wan!" Hee hee hee. Use the Force, Scotty. Use the Force! Snort! Hoo ha! "Mister Sulu, I am your father!" Hee hee, ha ha - no, no, please, stop, you're - hoo ha - you're killing me, here! - ha ha ha!
Then, we remembered that the President has the ability to send a drone plane to kill anybody anywhere in the world, and his faux pas didn't seem so funny any more.
Enjoy,You Should Buy A Safety Lid To Keep Wild Entrepreneurs, Like Raccoons, Out Of The Garbage
Ontario Conservative leader Tim Hudak has had a change of heart on the environment. He is now sponsoring the Protecting the Financial Environment Bill.
"There was a time when huge herds of wild entrepreneurs roamed free across the land," Hudak, getting misty-eyed, explained. "Now, their numbers have dwindled to a pitiful few CEOs - surely, we must do something to help them survive!"
When he heard the news, David Suzuki had a heart attack.
SOURCE: The Financial Riposte
[http://www.canada.com/national/nationalwhippingpost/financialriposte/story.html?id=dd49ccd7-f6f3-4f4f-9f25-a2cc6a528eb4]
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"My Hatred For Jews Was My Own Idea."
The Supreme Court of Canada is set to rule on whether human rights tribunals can regulate hate speech. At the centre of the case is Bill Whatcott, who distributes virulently anti-gay flyers.
"This is a matter of freedom of religious expression," Whatcott explained. "I express my hatred for gays to show how much I love god."
When he heard the news, Dan Savage had a heart attack.
SOURCE: Yellow Triangle Blues
[http://ytb.gay/February_2013/hatred(again).htm]
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Can Chinese-Canadians Get A 10 Per Cent Discount On Their Taxes?
The Harper Government of Canada has decided to keep $500,000 of the $5 million reparation payment to Chinese Canadians for the head tax that had been levied on Chinese immigrants.
"It's not that we're 10 per cent less sorry," explained Citizenship, Immigration and Multiculturalism Minister Jason Kenney. "It's that, now that we have the Chinese vote in the country sewn up, we're 100 per cent more interested in saving money."
When he heard the news, David Suzuki had a relapse.
SOURCE: Canadian Depress
[http://www.cd.org/english/notforyou.htm]
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Of Course, Sandberg Is Not Wedded To The Idea
Facebook executive Sheryl Sandberg has gotten into hot water by suggesting that companies ask men directly about their marriage plans.
"It's just common sense, really," Sandberg said. "If a male employee marries the attractive blonde, she'll be cheating on him within six months, which will drive him to drink and drive his productivity into the ground. A prospective employer has a right to know if this is a serious possibility."
Sandberg added that if a potential male employee would just guarantee that he would marry the sensible brunette, there would be no problem.
Critics of Sandberg's statement pointed to the "bimbo nuptials bias," the assumption that a horny male would choose the worst partner to wed, creating employment problems down the road. This (only sometimes) bias makes it harder for men to get jobs for which they are imminently qualified.
When she heard the news, Naomi Klein had a heart attack.
SOURCE: Ferbs
[http://www.ferbs.com/sites/nativekittenavad/2013/02/27/why-crazy-people-make-better-bloggers/]
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Men Are From Mars, Illegal Men Are From Alpha Centauri
The Harper Government of Canada has made clear, in no uncertain terms, don't argue with me, young man, because my mind is made up with special emphasis on negation that it is opposed to Toronto Council's recent vote to make the city a sanctuary where immigrants, regardless of their legal status, could get government services.
"Allowing illegals to have access to health care will give them the mistaken impression that they're human," complained federal Immigration Minister Jason Kenney. "Next thing you know, they'll want a reasonable path to citizenship and free cable!"
When they heard the news, members of Canadian Human Rights Voice had a collective heart attack.
SOURCE: Glob and Maul
[http://www.globandmaul.com/servlet/story/RTGAM.20130225.eladvote0225_@/BNStory/newsEspeciallyFreeCable2013/]
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When They Heard The News, Family Members Of Victims Of The Sinking Of The Original Titanic Had A Promotionally Induced Heart Attack
SOURCE: No Comment Quotes
[http://thesepeopleareinsane.psy/update.toshtml]
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Sophisticated Sophistry
The American State Department has issued a report concluding that the Keystone XL pipeline will not, in and of itself, contribute to global warming.
"The crazy Canadian bastards are going to get their deadly shit out of the ground whether a pipeline to the United States is built or not, so, even if the pipeline is built, the contribution to global warming will be on their heads," an early draft of the report read. "In the meantime, if we don't buy their deadly shit, the Chinese will!"
The language was softened for the final report.
When he heard the news, Paul Watson had a heart attack to save David Suzuki the trouble.
SOURCE: Earth Worst! Journal
[http://www.earthworstjournal.org/article.php?id=307]
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Abbott and Costello. Abercrombie and Fitch. Antonin Scalia and the Bag of Crazy. Some things were just made to go together. And, yet, this is the first time the Supreme Court Justice appears in the Bag of Crazy.
In our defense, some people lurk on the fringes of the Bag of Crazy, almost like they do not want to be seen inhabiting the place. I know, right? If you don't let the batshit crazy out once in a while, it will build until it turns you into a serial killer. Or activist right wing judge.
TO RECAP: if you're white, voting is a right; if you're not white, voting is a "racial entitlement." Once in place, legislatures will not change rules that ensure minorities can vote on the flimsy excuse that voters actually, you know, want those rules. Thus, only brave jurists like - oh, looky here - who could it possibly be? - oh, you're way ahead of me on this, aren't you? - Antonin Scalia can make the republic safe for racial disenfranchisement.
Can we call Scalia's statement racist? Sure. We're entitled.
When she heard the news, Rosa parks had a heart attack.
SOURCE: Karl's Big Red Web Page of Unreconstructed Marxism
[http://www.bigred.commie/articles/218^.htm]
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DETENTION DIARY: If It's All The Same To You, Native Americans Would Prefer Not To Get Involved...
WEEK FIFTY
"Any last words before the mission?"
"Geronimo?"
Freddy turned off the camera. "Dude!" he advised me. "Not cool. This is your chance to fire people up, to get them behind the cause. To inspire them. 'Geronimo' just doesn't cut it."
I shifted uncomfortably in the folding chair. "Umm, how about something like, 'The American government destroyed my life, now it's time for payback?'"
"Alriiiight!" Freddy enthused. "Go all Rambo on their asses, dude! Only, don't forget to mention race wars and shit."
"But, that's not why I'm doing this," I mildly protested.
Freddy shrugged. "Gotta pay the bills, you know what I'm saying?"
Freddy was a dirty blond beach bum who wanted to be the next Stephen Spielberg. Before we sat down to shoot my farewell video, he showed me his "screenplay" for a film called Alien Deathwatch 2027. It was three pages of dialogue about how aliens were evil and couldn't be trusted interspersed with 163 pages of descriptions of explosions. "You see, the aliens are really a metaphor for the government," he explained to me. I assured him that there was no way that anybody could miss that.
Freddy grinned so widely I was afraid his head would split open.
We were in another warehouse, one that smelled faintly of wet dog hair and despair. I was sitting with my back against a brick wall. I thought it was all quite sad; Freddy told me it was very American. I doubt I will ever understand what he was talking about.
Pete walked over to us and slapped me on the back. "Okay," he said, "we've talked it over, and we've decided that the mission will go on Christmas day. There's a lot of symbolism in that."
"Won't the building be empty?" Freddy asked.
"Well...of course...ahh..." Pete held up a finger as if he was about to make a point, but, as the seconds passed, it became more and more obvious that he didn't have a point to make. "Gimme a minute, will ya?" Pete went back into an office.
"Okay," Freddy commanded, "ready to try take one?"
"Sure," I shrugged.
"Great. Remember: ruined life, race wars, coverup of alien invasion. Aaaaand...ACTION!"
SOURCE: Harpo's
[http://harpos.org/archive/2012/12/16/dd-9000050]
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