Thank you, Dinah Sporah, for signing up for The Daily Me. Our search engine has combed the Internet for up to the minute news items that fit the profile you have so painstakingly filled out for us. Then, we weighted the probability that you would be interested in these articles against forms which showed what people with tastes similar to yours have liked reading in the past. Then, for the second time in two months, over 25,000 tonnes of herring died in a fjord in western Iceland. Scientists are baffled by what happened to the fish, but we think it's obvious. They were herring. In a fjord. In western Iceland. What did they have to live for? A future in fillets? It's not like they get Netflix and could view House of Cards, although watching the clueless remake of the British classic made us wish we had washed up dead in a fjord in western Iceland. But, uhh, yeah. The surprise isn't that 25,000 tonnes of fish died. The surprise is that so many are still alive!
Enjoy,Leaving Their Bullet-riddled Corpses To Rot In The Street Doesn't Seem Like A Good Alternative...
SOURCE: Billy-Bob's International House O' Headlines
[http://www.com/lol.pdqfc.wwygw.wyswyg/fid=3376533034]
more
When You Get To The Page Where It Gets Flushed Into The Vacuum Of Space, You Can Almost Taste The Rage
Alien Pop-up Adventure BookWith the advent of 3-D printing, pop-up books have become increasingly detailed, increasingly immersive. The Alien Pop-up Adventure Book is the latest, and best example of this. The scene with the alien creature popping out of the captain's chest is so visceral, you'll swear the blood dripping on the page is real! It's gross! It's disgusting! It's - it's -
It's, umm, not for children.
SOURCE: Unread Book News
[http://217.204.43.39/cgi/NGoto/2/64382861?3518]
more
If You're Going To Break International Law, It's Good To Know That You Have Firm Rules For How To Go About It
A recently released Department of Justice memo has laid out the legal framework for using drones to attack people, including American citizens. "Regardless of nationality, potential targets must be icky," the memo declared, and they must be "involved in activities that the international community would universally recognize as 'poopy.'"
The White House insisted that its guidelines held the government to the highest standards. According to the memo, a top US official must determine that the targeted person "poses an imminent threat of doing bad things" and that the strike "would be conducted in a way consistent with applicable American self-interest, especially when kept away from the prying eyes of the largely complacent media."
Civil liberties groups expressed concerns, as civil liberties groups will.
SOURCE: USA Whenever
[http://www.usawhenever.com/news/international/washington/2013-01-05-drone-drone_x.htm]
more
gOD sAVE uS fROM tHE qUEEN
The Harper Government of Canada is working on legislation that will change the rules of royal succession to end centuries of discrimination against female heirs to the throne. The bill follows an agreement among Commonwealth countries where the Queen is head of state to change the outda OH, MY GOD, IS THIS 2013 OR 1913? WHEN I WAKE UP TOMORROW, WILL MY NEWSPAPER HAVE HEADLINES ABOUT THE ASSASSINATION OF KEY AL QAEDA LEADERS OR THE ASSASSINATION OF FRANZ FERDINAND? CRUMPING CRIMINEYS, WHEN WILL CANADA GROW UP AND GET RID OF THESE MOOCHING FREELOADERS!
SOURCE: Canada: Still A Country?
[http://www.irritationnation.ca/whattolookat.asp?ID=261470294-4/]
more
What? He Can't Engage In Sophisticated Political Analysis Just Because He's Been In Jail For, Like, Ever?
2 good to be true) Match the quote to the person who said it.SOURCE: Les Pages aux Folles
[http://www.lespagesauxfolles.ca]
more
Maybe They're Afraid A Rainbow Merit Badge Will Make All Of The Others Jealous...
The Boy Scouts of America have a new merit badge: a yellow twisting downward spiral in the vague form of a chicken. This badge will be awarded for meritorious moral backsliding in the face of vocal opposition.
The first recipients of the new badge are the members of the BSA's own National Executive Board, which decided to delay a reported vote on ending the organization's ban on gay members after coming under pressure from religious groups that charter a majority of Scouting units.
"Scouting is all about kindness, courtesy and bravery," the Scouts said in a statement, "but being our kind of Christian is all about ignorance, bigotry and cowardice. So, uhh, hate the sin but love the sinner, okay?"
If the new badge is trimmed with a sour grape cluster, that statement will certainly merit one.
SOURCE: Cleveland Wheeler Dealer
[http://www.cleveland.ca/enter/index.ssf?/living/wheelerdealer/index.ssf%3fu/base/news/1196149860267240.xml]
more
DETENTION DIARY: A New Delillo In The Culture
WEEK FORTY-SEVEN
"You want me to WHAT?"
"We want you to send a message."
"By killing myself!"
"It would be a very powerful message."
"Which would leave me dead."
"That's what makes it so powerful."
"If it's so great, why don't you send the message?"
"I would, but I'm needed to mastermind the plan."
"I would, but I'm needed to develop the tech for the plan."
"I would, but...umm...err..."
"Yes?"
"I something something something the plan."
"So, this is why you wouldn't tell me what the detonation device was."
"Why's that?"
"Because I'm the detonation device!"
"Technically, the impact of the minivan on the building is the detonation device."
"Not helping, Dieter!"
"Sorry."
"Look. You're here because the government screwed you over. They took everything you ever had away from you. You may still feel that you can salvage something from the wreckage, but, trust me, friend, you can't. It's gone. Forget about messages. You owe it to yourself to fight back."
"I could always -"
"Noooot with an advertising campaign, no. With more direct action. Have you ever read Mao II?"
"DeLillo's overrated."
"Maybe, Pete, but he makes an important point."
"No, I've never read it."
"According to DeLillo, the terrorist is the new artist."
"That makes no sense."
"No, no, listen. It makes perfect sense. Time was that novelists used to be able to grab the attention and stir the conscience of the public. But, nobody reads any more. Nobody cares what novelists have to say. But, terrorists? They get all the attention. Terrorists are artists."
"So?"
"So? So! My boy, we are going to make you a superstar!"
SOURCE: Harpo's
[http://harpos.org/archive/2012/11/25/dd-9000047]
more
And, Here You Thought The Game Couldn't Be Any Slower - Silly Dog
The fans have spoken, and the iron has been replaced by the pussycat as a player token in the game Monopoly. Of course, this will radically change the way the game is played.
When it's his player's turn to go, the cat will just look at you with a lazy "You want me to do what? I'm busy - go away" stare. If you insist it take its turn, the cat will raise its leg and lick its genitals at you. If it lands on one of your properties, especially if it has a hotel on it, the cat may just jump off the board and stare at the back door until you open it, but then refuse to go outside. Good luck getting the piece back on the board.
You may never finish a game again!
SOURCE: Geekly News & World Report
[http://www.geeklynews.com/geeklynews/issue/130107/geeklynews/01boardwalkandparkplacenyahnyah.htm]
more