Thank you, Davidovskaya, for signing up for The Daily Me. Our search engine has combed the Internet for up to the minute news items that fit the profile you have so painstakingly filled out for us. Then, we weighted the probability that you would be interested in these articles against forms which showed what people with tastes similar to yours have liked reading in the past. Then, we heard about this man who thought he could make a fortune by selling whale spit he found on the beach. Whale spit! Really! How did he know it was whale spit? It gave off a musky smell that reminded people of horse manure. Of course it did - it was whale spit! Then, somebody corrected us: what he found wasn't whale spit at all, it was ambergris. Oooh. Sorry for the mix-up. We have a blister on our thumb.
If you want us, we'll be hunting for our fortune down at the beach.
Enjoy,Besides, The Burrito Was Excellent...
Oh, my god! Look who it is! Well, actually, I have no idea who it is - I was bored and hungry and didn't really want to wait god knows how long to see a...writer. I mean, who else would have appeared at a bookstore, right? Even if they are moving more towards selling greeting cards and novelty reading lamps and things that pretend to be your friend but share jokes about you with the cappuccino maker when you're out of the condo - honestly, who would want to listen to the designer of a reading lamp speak? And, what would she say, anyway? "I was inspired by the works of Dante - you can tell by the way you can clip the lamp directly onto your hardcover"? I don't think so.
I was tempted to stay just to get on film, but I've been let down by wishy washy promises like that before (yes, I'm looking at you, Binge Eating Smurf!). If it had read something like: "By entering this area you acknowledge that we will film you, in profile to get your good side, and put that up on YouTube and let all of our social networks know it's there because we want to share with the world how fabulous you are," well, I would have waited hours for that opportunity!
SOURCE: Jennifer's Brain Blorts
[http://weblogger.brainblorts.home.html]
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Sometimes, Humility Is Arrogance Wearing Groucho Glasses
Republican mantra before getting an electoral drubbing: "from now on we will be in favour of lower taxes, smaller government and deregulation of industry."
Republican mantra after getting an electoral drubbing: "We have heard the voice of the people, and from now on we will be in favour of lower taxes, smaller government and deregulation of industry."
SOURCE: Politics For Dummies
[http://www.politicsfordummies.com/home.asp?did=762&dir=bb]
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Kieran Culkin Was Just Grateful For The Work
How could so many of Hollywood's biggest stars have agreed to act in Movie 43, the worst film of the last decade, and possibly ever.
"The script I was originally given had Shakespearean depth," claimed Hugh Jackman. "Something went wrong, terribly wrong, horribly, horribly wrong in the editing."
"Absolutely," agreed Kate Winslet. "The script I agreed to perform in was a...a love story between an Asian-American congresswoman and a goat herder, but none of that made it to the screen."
"Oh, yeah," concurred Gerard Butler. "Great script. Horrible execution."
"Script...not...realized...in...movie," added Halle Berry.
"I need a new agent," mused Greg Kinnear.
"I was told I would be getting my own trailer, you know" said Jack McBrayer. "Tina Fey never gave me a trailer!"
"Peter Farrelly promised me a puppy," Kristen Bell claimed. "And, all I ended up with was this dog turd."
SOURCE: Entertainment For Dummies
[http://www.politicsfordummies.com/entertainmentfordummies/home.asp?did=538&dir=bb]
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Like How Laws Are Passed...Or Breathing
So, a high school science teacher, when asked if there had been any experiments that demonstrated Darwinian evolution, described one by Richard Lenski. Lenski froze some E. coli bacteria, while allowing others to continue to grow, while being subjected to various environmental factors, over a period of decades and 50,000 generations. When he compared the sample that had been allowed to grow with the sample that had been frozen, he found that they were very clearly different, concluding that an evolution in the germ had taken place.
In response to the testimony about this elegant experiment, Louisiana Republican State Senator Mike Walsworth asked the above question.
I'm tempted to suggest that noxious bacteria eventually evolve into state senators, but, unlike politicians, at least E. coli doesn't judge things it cannot understand.
SOURCE: Karl's Big Red Web Page of Unreconstructed Marxism
[http://www.bigred.commie/articles/218^.htm]
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DETENTION DIARY: Getting Your Game Shitfaced On
WEEK FORTY-SIX
"Cherry Ascuro - good stripper name or grrrrrrrrreat stripper name!"
Dieter tried to high five me, but we missed. It was close - at least, it seemed close - but we juuuust didn't connect. Several alcoholic beverages may have been involved.
Unlike many of the strippers at The Naked Truth, Cherry's act didn't revolve around pretending she was a journalist (which mostly meant wearing glasses and miming writing in a notepad). It involved feathers, balloons and a snake - Cherry was what you might call a terpsichorean overachiever. I followed each undulation, fascinated.
"We're not just a bunch of random guys, you know," Pete randomly threw out. Or, he may have been continuing a thought he had already started - I wasn't really paying attention. "There are other groups like us all across the country. We stay in touch with -"
Chuck hissed at him. Or, maybe it was the snake on the stage. Either way, Pete sat back in his chair and gloomily drank his -
"To all the people who have wronged us!" Chuck shouted, raising his glass. Much clinking ensued.
"Why?" I asked after we downed our beverages.
"Why what?" Chuck asked.
"Why toast to the people who have screwed us over?"
Chuck tapped the side of his nose. Almost. Close enough as makes no difference, really. Close enough for the bastard Belgian judge to give him a decent score. "Revenge makes us stronger." A couple of rounds later, he shouted, "Are you mad as hell?"
When the other members started shouting agreement, Chuck said, "No, no, no. You." He pointed at me." "Are you mad as hell?"
"Yeah!" I heartily shouted back.
"And, you're not gonna take it any more?" Chuck continued.
"That sounds...familiar..." I responded.
"FOCUS, MAN, FOCUS! I'm mad as hell and I'm not gonna take it any more!"
"I'M MAD AS HELL, AND I'M NOT GONNA TAKE IT ANY MORE!"
"That's the spirit," Chuck smiled enigmatically.
SOURCE: Harpo's
[http://harpos.org/archive/2012/11/18/dd-9000046]
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If That Had Been The Case, The Show Would Have Been Called The Loomer, Which Would Have Given It A Whole New Level Of Ick
Conrad Black has announced that he will be hosting a weekly television show for Moses Znaimer's ZoomerMedia called The Zoomer - Television for Boomers With Zip.
"Zip? ZIP?" Black roared. "I thought it was Television for Boomers With Lip! Lip, not zip! Znaimer, you punctilicious rapscallawagon! What nefarious panjandrummations are you attempting to put over on me!"
Znaimer was unavailable for comment. Rumour has it that he was having problems with his zipper.
SOURCE: Ukrainian TV Guide
[http://www.tvguide.ua/listings/index.asp?referrerID=0&returnurl=%2Flistings%2Findex%2Easp%3F®Mode=0]
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And, On The Seventh Day, They Rested (Their Lungs)
SOURCE: The Smoking Gut
[http://www.thesmokinggut.com/archive/108096382861023470563-7946374864826327230173072840-47341837815cahs01.html]
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You've Seen Movie 43, Haven't You?
How to hold an Oscars Party:
STEP ONE: drill a hole in my forehead.
STEP TWO: fill it with hot lead.
STEP THREE: dance around my corpse because that's the only way you're going to get me anywhere near this self-congratulatory three hour advertisement for a film industry that mostly produces mediocre crap!
STEP FOUR: don't forget the bean dip.
SOURCE: The Quick and the Detwiler
[http://quick&detwiler.blogspot.com/]
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