The Daily Me - Brad the Fair to Middling

Thank you, Brad the Fair to Middling, for signing up for The Daily Me. Our search engine has combed the Internet for up to the minute news items that fit the profile you have so painstakingly filled out for us. Then, we weighted the probability that you would be interested in these articles against forms which showed what people with tastes similar to yours have liked reading in the past. Then, we heard that seeing how easily you can rise from a sitting position on the floor is an indication of how long you will live. Really? We can't get out of a chair without a crane and a crew of 10! Guess we should put more thought into our wills...

Speaker of the House John Boehner was dealt an embarrassing blow when he couldn't get enough votes from his own party to pass his Plan B - you know, the plan for dealing with the impending fiscal hiccup. Did you hear about this? Apparently, half of the members of his caucus thought they were voting to approve a morning after contraceptive pill.

SOURCE: Late Tonight with David Lenoman

[http://marketing.ubs.com/latetonight/latetonightshow/monologue]
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Lay Off Our Men In Blue! No, Wait - I Meant...

Police in the City of Toronto issued about 15,000 tickets to people for begging in 2010. This brought in a whopping $23.97 in revenue that year. Now, you and I may think that fining people who have no money is a futile activity, especially at a time when the police budget is being squeezed and the chief is arguing he may have to lay officers off. But, that's the genius of the system: they are actually stimulating the economy by supporting the paper and printing industries!

SOURCE: The Matrixxx

[http://www.thematrixxxto.com/city/policing/revenue-the-next-generation/]
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Do I Have Any Of These Products? I Can't Recall...

SOURCE: Billy-Bob's International House O' Headlines

[http://www.com/lol.pdqfc.wwygw.wyswyg/fid=1316540734]
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Fees charged by one Chinese kindergarten:

SOURCE: The Smoking Gut

[http://www.thesmokinggut.com/archive/108096382861023470563-7946374864826327230173072840-4734183781cahs01.html]
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The Wages Of Sin Is A Lucrative Political Afterlife As A Public Speaker

Imagine that you are the only person in ancient Sodom who sees the wickedness of the people around you. You would want to go on television and warn them to repent their evil ways lest they bring the wrath of god down on themselves, wouldn't you? Of course you would! To be honest, most of the sinners around you would deserve to burn in hellfire, but compassion would demand that you try to save them. So, you would grab every microphone you could get you hands on and publicly warn whoever listened, even though nobody really would, because, let's be honest, hell and damnation are no fun.

Pity poor Mike Huckabee, a wannabe Biblical prophet in a modern secular democracy. Where he sees the devil, we see mental illness. Where he sees religion as a cure, we see a better social safety net and stricter gun laws. Where he thinks he's being compassionate, we see a heartless man using a tragedy to promote a political agenda.

Modern prophet or Bag of Crazy resident? I have my own thoughts on this subject, but I guess we'll have to wait until somebody writes the New New Testament to be sure.

SOURCE: Karl's Big Red Web Page of Unreconstructed Marxism

[http://www.bigred.commie/articles/218^.htm]
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And, If You're Not Convinced, Jack Bauer Will Come To Your Home To Make His Case...Forcefully...

How do people decide whether or not to support their state engaging in torture? You don't want to know!

SOURCE: Les Pages aux Folles

[http://www.lespagesauxfolles.ca]
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Good Luck Trying To Get A Tax Receipt For That!

Guys! Do you think I'm going to open your email just because you wrote (NOT JUNK!) in the subject line? Really? Do you think I hand my wallet over to anybody who points a gun at me and says, "Give me all your money - but, don't worry, this isn't a robbery"? Well, yes, of course, I do - I'm not an idiot. But, I don't think that I'm contributing to a hospital or community centre when I do!

SOURCE: The Quick and the Detwiler

[http://quick&detwiler.blogspot.com/]
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New Life In Death Lobby

Wayne LaPierrot, President of the National Unmentholated Association, has argued that research into ending lung cancer is pointless since people could just be killed by heart disease. "If you find a cure for cancer," he stated, "only Cancers will have cured...ham. I mean, where will it end? Pneumonia? Alzheimer's? The Plague? You can't stop death, so why bother fighting it at all?"

In a combative speech, LaPierrot blamed movies that glorify smoking as the root cause of cancer and blasted news media for inaccurately reporting on cigarettes. "Journalists say there are 82 known carcinogens in cigarettes," he claimed. "In fact, there are only 81. If this is how sloppy they are, how can you believe anything they write about cigarettes?"

Shrugging off accusations that the NUA is merely the lobbying arm of Big Tobacco, LaPierrot argued that what was needed was more cancer, not less. "Inject a little cellular chaos into people's bodies," he advised. "Their immune systems will learn to fight off the cancer. Or, they will die. But, at least we will have given them a fighting chance!"

SOURCE: Cleveland Wheeler Dealer