The Daily Me - Erma Gaudd

Thank you, Erma Gaudd, for signing up for The Daily Me. Our search engine has combed the Internet for up to the minute news items that fit the profile you have so painstakingly filled out for us. Then, we weighted the probability that you would be interested in these articles against forms which showed what people with tastes similar to yours have liked reading in the past. Then, despite initial misgivings, we warmed to the idea of JRR Tolkien's Lord of the Rings trilogy being rewritten in Jamaican patois. The poetry alone...!

Enjoy,
The Daily Me Staff

Have You Ever Wondered Why Congress Has A 14% Approval Rating?

"What Are You Against?"
"Whaddya Got?"

You want an example of how the Republicans have abandoned all ration?
In the US Senate a motion was tabled
To enter an international treaty on the disabled
That had been signed by one hundred fifty-five countries and ratified by one hundred twenty-six nations.

Even though it was totally absurd,
Thirty-eight elephants in the Senate
Voted to completely end it.
The treaty failed because it did not get two-thirds.

"The United Nations wants to control us, we can just sense it!
So, of course, we are against it!"

Despite all of the right wing's terrible booing,
The funny thing, and it's a fact,
Is the treaty was modeled on the Americans with Disabilities Act
And mirrored what the States was already doing.

Opposing it must have been a strain - err,
The treaty supported a worthy cause
While requiring the enactment of no new laws -
It should have been a no-brainer.

"By foreign laws we do not want to be fenced. It
Should be totally obvious why we are against it!"
Former Republican Presidential candidate Dole,
To support the treaty was there,
Frail, at 89, and in a wheelchair.
For all the good it did, he may as well have been in a deep hole.

In addition, to show their enthusiastic support,
There were very vocal veterans groups
Who represent disabled troops;
But the GOP responded with a derisive snort!

"We have no defense, it
Is just that we cannot help being against it!"

SOURCE: Poetry, Cornered

[http://www.cibc.com/ca/personal/poetrycorner/618.html]
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Seats? SEATS?! Why Didn't Anybody Tell Us The Planes Would Need Seats?!!

In the face of a KPMG study, the Harper Government of Canada has had to admit that its plans to buy F-35 fighter planes will cost $40 billion over 42 years. This contradicts what it has been saying for the last two years, which is that the planes would cost $42.17.

"To be fair," Defence Minister Peter MacKay stated, "The original design called for elastic band propellers. When you put actual - you know - engines into the planes, the cost skyrockets!"

SOURCE: Vancouver Stunned

[http://www.canoodle.com/NewsStand/VancouverStunned/News/2012/12/07/509727.html]
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What's The Big Deal?
It's Not Like Ontario Teachers Will Have Jews In Their Classes...

Critics of an Elementary Teachers' Federation of Ontario workshop that educates its members about anti-Semitism say it is a waste of money unless the issue of Jews' control of finance and the media is addressed.

In response, ETFO President Sam Hammond sighed and said, "I hate irony."

SOURCE: The National Whipping Post

[http://www.canada.com/national/nationalwhippingpost/news/story.html?ia=1ec0exxa-b9e6-4c78-b9fb-07f657cc32ec]
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Talk About Holding A Grudge!

The state of Israel is blaming Palestinians for the heat death of the universe. "If they would have just stop lobbing bombs into Israel," said Prime Minister Benjamin Schvants-Strubnick, "there might still be some molecular movement in space somewhere!"

"What? Like we wanted the universe to end?" shot back Palestinian Authority head Mahmoud Glevanatin-Blobnick. "We want existence as much as the Israelis, but we couldn't allow them to expand settlements on our land without some kind of response!"

The American government is hopeful that it can get both sides back to the bargaining table in order to kickstart the universe.

SOURCE: Arad Post

[http://www.apost.com/servlet/Satellite?pagename=APost/APArticle/ShowFull&cid=1239851597485]
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Nightmare Shifty

Canada's Border Services Agency wants to expand its "most wanted" list to include individuals who "look shifty."

"You know how you get a vibe off of a person that just cries out, ‘Don't let me anywhere near your sister?'" asked Public Safety Minister Vic Toews. "Well, we want the power to kick foreigners who give us that vibe out of the country."

SOURCE: Glob and Maul

[http://www.globandmaul.com/servlet/story/RTGAM.20121124.eladvote1124_@/BNStory/newsHowManyVic-Tims2012/]
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Personally, I'm Shocked By The Rude Jokes, But, In The Interest Of Fairness, I Should Probably Hear Them All Before I Judge...

A letter signed by French Emperor Napoleon Bonaparte has sold at auction for $243,500. The letter was written in a numeric code in order to confound Bonaparte's enemies on the off chance that one of them intercepted it. It's hard to know why, though: other than a passing reference to blowing up the Kremlin, the letter is mostly concerned with Josephine's rickets and rude jokes about Pope Puis VII.

Gerard Lheritier, director of the Paris Museum, allowed that, "We may not have gotten every detail of the code exactly right. Still, the fact that Josephine had rickets is a revelation!"

SOURCE: Art Splorts

[http://www.artsplorts.com/diary/id=9343]
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And, Even If There Was, It Wouldn't Be Made By A Canadian Company, So How Would That Help Anybody?

In keeping with its new foreign policy, Canada is sending $5 million worth of wheat threshers to the Middle Eastern country of Gordbluchistan. Foreign aid experts are complaining that the aid won't do the country much good, since its main crop is rice.

"Don't be absurd!" chided Minister for International Co-operation Julian Fantino. "There's no such thing as a rice thresher!"

SOURCE: The Irrational

[http://www.mc.ca/stories/2012/12/02/ifucanttakethewheat121202]
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McConnell, Party Of No, Your Table Is Ready.
Remember, The One You Set? McConnell? Party Of No?

ANDERSON COOPER: You recently filibustered a vote that would have given the President the power to raise the debt ceiling, subject to a Congressional veto.

MITCH MCCONNELL: That's right. I felt that it would give the President too much power, power that, Constitutionally speaking, should be held by Congress.

COOPER: I see. And, did it matter that it was your own motion?

MCCONNELL: Absolutely not! A bad idea is a bad idea, no matter who proposes it.

COOPER: Don't you think it's embarrassing?

MCCONNELL: Embarrassing?

COOPER: To filibuster your own motion?

MCCONNELL: No. It's like...it's like arguing out loud with yourself. You know, you go over the pros and cons before you come to a conclusion?

COOPER: But, this has never happened before - a Senator filibustering his own motion. That doesn't strike you as...strange?

MCCONNELL: Strange would be for me to give the President a perpetual debt ceiling grant. Avoiding these hard decisions is the prerogative of Congress.

COOPER: You're not going to admit there's anything weird about filibustering your own motion, are you?

MCCONNELL: Kid, when you've been in Washington as long as I have, weird is redefined so often that the word loses all meaning!

SOURCE: 44 Minutes, 30 Seconds

[http://www.ubsnews.com/stories/2012/12/01/44minutes30seconds/main506694.shtml]
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