Thank you, jojoblincks, for signing up for The Daily Me. Our search engine has combed the Internet for up to the minute news items that fit the profile you have so painstakingly filled out for us. Then, we weighted the probability that you would be interested in these articles against forms which showed what people with tastes similar to yours have liked reading in the past. Then, we read another headline about how "Romney's tax plan favours the wealthy," and we wanted to jeer at it with a comment about obviousness, but we had run out of them. Adam Sandler will never win a Best Actor Oscar? We'd already said it. Sun rising in the east? Been there, done that. Many times. Hydrostatic pressure being the pressure exerted by a fluid at equilibrium due to the force of gravity? Really - could anything be more obvious?
To our mounting horror, we realized that Mitt Romney has destroyed our ability to respond to political jiggery-pokery with sarcasm! For that reason, alone, he must be defeated in November!
Enjoy,"We Just Keep Him Around To Remind Us All Of What We Fear We Will Become..."
Spend half your time sticking it to people you'll never meet and the other half sucking up to rich people whose money you need to get reelected? Put away the power suits and forced folksy rhetoric and get serious about working for a living, British Columbia student and youth groups are suggesting.
"These ads are offensive and in poor taste because they imply that politicians are bottom-feeding careerists who don't care about the welfare of their constituents," B. C. Premier Christy Clark said. "I know that's true of Conservatives, but I wouldn't say that it describes anybody in my party. Well, except Bob. But, nobody in the party really likes him..."
SOURCE: Vancouver Stunned
[http://www.canoodle.com/NewsStand/VancouverStunned/News/2012/10/11/509727.html]
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That's Funny Because It's Moo
They say that humour doesn't travel well. Perhaps, but crazy, crazy is universal.
Umm, so, Australian Senator Cory Bernardi, how does an animal consent to relations with a human? Does neigh mean neigh? Does a pig say: "I'm not easy, you know. If you want to have sex with me, you're going to have to by me slops, first. And, not at any cheap dump, either. I want five star slops!"? When a Priest says, "Do you take this woman to be your lawfully wedded wife?" does the animal answer, "I moo"?
You want a slippery slope? How about this? "There are even some creepy people out there who say it is okay to have consensual sexual relations between Priests and underage boys. Will that be a future step?" Should we outlaw religion the way you want to outlaw homosexuality?
"Islam itself is the problem - it's not Muslims," Bernardi responded. "Muslims are individuals that practise their faith in their own way, but Islam is a totalitarian, political and religious ideology."
How did I know you were going to say that?
SOURCE: Karl's Big Red Web Page of Unreconstructed Marxism
[http://www.bigred.commie/articles/218^.htm]
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Because Peregrine Falcons Look Good In A Well Tailored (Law)suit
Toronto City Council has upheld a law it passed last year that would save seagulls from choking to death on plastic bags.
Squeee Sqwaha, a representative of the Peregrine falcon community, responded, "This is an outrage! It's hard enough to catch the bastards when they aren't choking on your garbage! Why are you favouring one part of the food chain?"
Smoothing its ruffled feathers, Sqwaha added: Umm...I mean Council made the decision without sufficient public consultation. Expect lawsuits."
SOURCE: The Matrixxx
[http://www.thematrixxxto.com/news/city/falcon-birds/]
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The US unemployment rate dropped to 7.8 per cent in September, it's lowest since President Obama took office. Naturally, the Republicans are crying foul.
Presidential candidate Mitt Romney claimed that the number had dropped because Democrats were committing suicide. "Obviously, when 500,000 unemployed Democrats kill themselves," Romney said on a campaign stop in Virginia, "it makes the unemployment numbers look much better than they are!"
Meanwhile, former GE CEO Jack Welch claimed that the numbers had been falsified because they did not include people who had stopped looking for work; if they were included, unemployment would be closer to 11 per cent. But, it was President Ronald Reagan who first excluded those who had stopped looking for work from the unemployment figures. Does that mean that President Reagan -
"Stop negating my narrative with your facts!" Welch exploded.
SOURCE: The Podunk Mash & Enquirer
[http://www.podunkmash.com/wp-dyn/articles/A49882-2012Oct06.html]
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Pudding That Contains More Carcinogens Than It Did Back In The Day, We Might Add
Think you're a member of the smartest generation that ever lived? Really? Consider this: it took only 13 years for the US government to end Prohibition, the war on alcohol. The war on drugs (except for alcohol), on the other hand, has been going on for 50 years, with no end in sight.
Remember this the next time you find yourself feeding your grandfather pudding out of a cup.
SOURCE: The Quick and the Detwiler
[http://quick&detwiler.blogspot.com/]
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Two From The Oenophile's Oh No File
Dear Wine Snob,
I have just read that there is a beer, Rocky Mountain Oyster Stout, that is brewed with bull testicles. I would never want to eat bull testicles - why would I want to drink them?
Dear Uneducated Palate,
You probably wouldn't.
Still, for those who are looking for a harsh beer with a nutty undertaste, this could be for you. And, honestly, after six of them, who is going to care whose sexual organs were involved in the making of this beer?
Dear Wine Snob,
I've been hearing a lot lately about G. Whiskey No. 1, a 12-year-old single malt that was poured over the breasts of Hungarian Playmate Alexa Varga before it was bottled. This can't be hygienic...can it?
Dear Candidate for Alcoholism,
You are intent on destroying your liver and brain and you're worried about the sweat of a woman you are never going to meet? Am I sensing a priorities issue, here?
A G-Spirits company spokesman assured me that the models have a thorough shower before they become part of the brewing process. Unless you would prefer that they don't, in which case they have a slight wash around with a damp cloth.
The German Ministry for Food, Agriculture and Consumer Protection laughed for a good five minutes when I asked them what steps they were taking to protect the public. When it became apparent that I wasn't going to go away, Minister Ilse Aigner asked: "Seriously?"
SOURCE: Alternate Reality News Service
[http://www.arns.com/sinbin?id=30792641325141310426fx]
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