The Daily Me - Jeremiah Squant

Thank you, Jeremiah Squant, for signing up for The Daily Me. Our search engine has combed the Internet for up to the minute news items that fit the profile you have so painstakingly filled out for us. Then, we weighted the probability that you would be interested in these articles against forms which showed what people with tastes similar to yours have liked reading in the past. Then, we intended to go to Ben and Jerry's to get some delicious Boston Cream Pie ice cream. Instead, we got a DVD of Ben and Cherry's Boston Cream Thighs porn video. We...we're still not sure how that happened. What we can say for certain is that productivity in the office has declined substantially since it did.

Good thing we didn't go for Rocky Road - we might have had to close down the business for a couple of days!

According to both Mitt Romney and Paul Ryan, they will bring a new resolve to American foreign policy. A very resolvey resolve. Steely-eyed. A steely-eyed resolve that nobody will mistake for lack of resolve because of its resolved resolvedness.

What does this mean in actual policy terms? Nobody knows, including, apparently, Romney and Ryan (or, if they do know, they're not telling). The important thing is that nobody should doubt their resolved resolvency, because, dammit, the Republicans are resolveriffic!

SOURCE: The Day To Day Show, with Jon Tudor

[http://www.comedycentric.com/tv_shows/thedaytodayshowwithjontudor/headlines_pol.jhtml]
more

As is common practice in the literature racket these days, Alvie Schmegman has written a review of his own book, The Wind Cries Harry at the Singing Caged Bird...of Grey. What has members of the racket in a veritable tizzy is the fact that the review was negative. Highly negative. One might even say vituperatively so.

"The motivations of the characters are so opaque as to be positively diluvian!" Schmegman wrote under the pseudonym Krishna on the Godreads Web site. "The plot has more holes than a mouse that has just gorged on a wheel of Swiss cheese and, frankly, I think Schmegman's grasp of the concept of metaphor makes as much sense as a teacup at a dinner party!"

"This is absurd," responded R. J. Ellory, a pioneer in the genre of public positive self-criticism. "Writers aren't supposed to give their own books negative reviews! That could make the whole public positive self-criticism movement look bad!"

SOURCE: Alternate Reality News Service

[http://www.arns.com/sinbin?id=39017641258641749687fx]
more

They're Gonna Parti Like It's 1999

The Harper Government of Canada has decided to stop its standard practice of defending the exporting of long-term, excruciatingly painful death to third world nations (in the form of asbestos). This abrupt change happened because the newly elected Parti Quebecois government has pledged to cancel a government loan guarantee that would have allowed Canada's last asbestos mine to resume operation.

"Those PQ bastards have put us in a position where we had no choice but to do the right thing," groused Industry Minister Christian Paradis. "Don't think we're gonna forget that when the next round of federal-provincial transfers negotiations takes place, because we have long memories. Loooooong memories!"

SOURCE: Canadian Depress

[http://www.cd.org/english/notforyou.htm]
more

Fake. Fakir. Fakest.

A man in Sri Lanka swallowed a stolen gem thought to be worth $13,000. However, when the gem was - ahem - recovered, it turned out to be a fake.

Even would-be master thieves have to settle. YOU WANT: to be A. J. Raffles. YOU'LL SETTLE FOR: Sir Charles Litton. YOU'LL GET: Inspector Clouseau.

SOURCE: Les pages aux Folles

[http://www.lespagesauxfolles.ca]
more

SOURCE: Billy-Bob's International House O' Headlines

[http://www.com/lol.pdqfc.wwygw.wyswyg/fid=1376533038]
more

King Of (Unintentional) Comedy

"I'm sorry." "I must apologize." "Can you ever forgive me for my error?" "Oops, my bad, yo." Funny, but I do not remember President Obama saying any of these things in his speeches on foreign policy. Well, except for the last one, but, really, when you've stepped on the Chinese Ambassador's wife, you do kind of owe him some kind of apology.

This must be one of those weird perceptual problems the Republicans sometimes suffer from where President Obama says, "Let's take out Osama bin Laden," but they believe he actually said, "I would like to apologize to the world on behalf of America for unleashing the tastelessly unfunny Two Broke Girls on you."

Not that Republican Representative Peter "There are too many mosques in America" King and common sense are on speaking terms. In fact, common sense has sued the Republican Party for divorce, citing "irreconcilable differences." And, wasn't it Peter King who commented, "Common sense wants to sue us for divorce? We need to put that bitch in her place!"?

SOURCE: Karl's Big Red Web Page of Unreconstructed Marxism

[http://www.bigred.commie/articles/218^.htm]
more

To Be Fair, The Dogs With The Faces Of Former Mayors Playing Poker Was Irresistible

On the witness stand in the case of paintings stolen from City Hall, Toronto Mayor Rob Ford asserted that he had not read the criminal code and did not believe that laws regarding thievery applied to him.

"I always thought," Ford testified, "for 12 years, and I still believe, that theft is when a mommy platypus and a daddy platypus are very much in love and they - no, wait. That's something different. Something completely other. Let me start again. Ahem. I always thought, for 12 years, and I still believe that theft is when the city has a benefit and when I have a benefit. Taking the paintings is a personal issue and had nothing to do with the city."

Ford Nation responded with "Yeah!" "Fuck, yeah!" and "I don't think he did anything wrong, but, uhh, Rob may want to get himself a good attorney. You know...just in case..."

SOURCE: Toronto Startle

[http://www.thestartle.com/NASApp/cs/ContentServer?pagename=thestartle/Layout/Article_Type1&c=Article&cid=
1444591831295&call_pageid=936335278010&col=970466972347]
more

The Economy Will Follow Soon After

The study of economics is riddled with many logical foullacies. Consider a currently popular one:

PREMISE ONE: In this sluggish economy, it is only prudent that corporations sit on their considerable assets.

PREMISE TWO: If companies actually spent the assets they were sitting on, the economy wouldn't be sluggish.

CONCLUSION: Your head should explode at any moment, now.

SOURCE: Economics For Dummies

[http://www.politicsfordummies.com/entertainmentfordummies/economicsfordummies/home.asp?did=544&dir=bb]
more

Okay, Maybe Not So Cherished By The Whole Country, But Still...

Argo is an odd film that appears to completely rewrite a cherished part of Canadian history. According to director and star Ben Affleck, the Toronto Argonauts were only tangentially involved in winning the 2004 Grey Cup, which was actually taken home by the Pittsburgh Steelers.