The Daily Me - Meakly Wimpman

Thank you, Meakly Wimpman, for signing up for The Daily Me. Our search engine has combed the Internet for up to the minute news items that fit the profile you have so painstakingly filled out for us. Then, we weighted the probability that you would be interested in these articles against forms which showed what people with tastes similar to yours have liked reading in the past. Then, way back in 2008, a dealer in Missouri gave away a free handgun with the purchase of every car. Because there's nothing you want more than for somebody experiencing road rage to have a weapon in the glove compartment; not having one handy would just piss them off. Then, in 2011, a Montana Radio shack gave guns away to customers who bought satellite TV service from the store. Because, when you've decided there really is nothing worth watching, shooting the set is so much more satisfying than throwing something through the screen. Now, apparently, a jewelry store in Georgia is offering a free hunting rifle to anybody who buys $2,499 worth of diamonds.

What could possibly go wrong?

Real Mayors Don't Read The Manual

"Ducks," Mayor Rob Ford, under cross-examination by Clayton Ruby, responded when asked whom he thought Toronto's conflict of interest laws applied to. When pressed, he added: "I don't know. Geese could be included, maybe even pigeons. I'm not a lawyer. Or a bird-watcher!"

"Is it far-fetched? I don't think so," stated Ford's lawyer, Alan Lenczner, in the defense's summation. "He may be wrong, and cases allow for that...because that's what an error of judgment is."

SOURCE: Toronto Stunned

[http://www.canoodle.com/NewsStand/TorontoStunned/News/2012/09/02/509727.html]
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What Can Republican Operatives Do Other Than Slap Their Foreheads And Gaze In Dumbfounded Wonder At The Train Wreck?

From Mitt Romney's acceptance speech at the Republican Presidential nomination convention:

"I know things are hard for people. Ordinary people. People like you. You have to choose between paying for your aunt Bertha's hip operation, food for your family or rent for the pathetically small hovel in which you live. But, believe it or not, we all face difficult choices in this life, my friend. I, for instance, have to choose between driving the BMW, the Porsche and one of the other BMWs. However, there are ways of making those difficult choices. I, for instance, am building a car elevator in my garage to make my choice of what to drive easier. What the average American needs is a bill elevator to help them decide how to prioritize their expenses!"

SOURCE: Drew's Transcript-o-rama

[http://www.transcript-o-rama.com/mittwit.shtml]
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The End Is Nye

Christian evangelicals are angry at Bill Nye for arguing that Creationism is not a science, and that teaching it as a science would be akin to teaching children that the Earth was flat. Not only have they attacked him personally, but somebody who objected to his views may have initiated a Twitter hoax that he had died.

Really? Bill Nye? The Science Guy? Attacking him is like gut kicking a puppy. It's like demanding your mother make you dinner the day after your father has died. It's like wearing a mullet.

It's just not cool, okay?

SOURCE: Scientific Canadian

[http://www.scican.com/article.cfm?chanID=sc003&articleID=1108G3EC-2C145-22K5-ABA1582614B177777]
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Because, You Know, If The Atheist Bastard Wasn't Bent On Destroying All That Was Good In The World, We'd Kind Of Admire Him

Russian President Vladimir Putin singlehandedly rescued a cat from a Chechnyan terrorist group. Then, he swam across the Neva with a 200 pound weight tied to each shoulder. Then, he wrestled crocodiles in the courtroom where one of his rival oligarchs was being tried for...some bad thing or other. Then, he had breakfast.

Watching all of his feats of masculine bravado, we have to wonder: when does he have time to, you know, run his country?

SOURCE: The National Whipping Post

[http://www.canada.com/national/nationalwhippingpost/news/story.html?ia=0ec0ecda-b6e6-4c18-fu1b-07b666cc13ec]
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DETENTION DIARY: Shrink To Fit

WEEK THIRTY-SEVEN

"Tell me about your mother."

"She wasn't in the cell with me."

"The cell you claim you were forced to stay in."

"There's no claiming about it, pal. I was forced to stay in a cell for most of the time I was kidnapped."

"Phil, do you know what paranoid delusion is?"

"Sure. I've seen 24."

"What do you think it is?"

"The unreasonable belief that people are out to get you."

"Good."

"But, people were out to get me!"

"Phil, be reasonable. You work in an advertising agency. You have a wife and two children. You are not a spy. You were never a spy. This is not Total Recall. Why would anybody be out to get you?"

"It was a mistake."

"A mistake?"

"They mixed me up with somebody else."

"So, now this is Brazil?"

"Do they kidnap and torture people in Brazil?"

"In Brazil? Actually, they do."

"Wow. I'm never vacationing in Rio again!"

"I - what?"

"What?"

"Phil. You claim that you were kidnapped by the government, tortured for six months and then anonymously dropped in a small town in the middle of nowhere. Can you hear how ridiculous that sounds?"

"But, it's true!"

"I believe you believe it's true."

"Why is it so hard for you to believe that it's true?"