Thank you, Marcin Gortat, for signing up for The Daily Me. Our search engine has combed the Internet for up to the minute news items that fit the profile you have so painstakingly filled out for us. Then, we weighted the probability that you would be interested in these articles against forms which showed what people with tastes similar to yours have liked reading in the past. Then, we heard about a Facebook page called Kill Mitt Romney. Yeah, that's about as funny as an iron lung. Except, at least there's the book 1,001 Iron Lung Jokes. Yeah, it's about as funny as global thermonuclear war. Although, not as funny as Dr. Strangelove. Yeah, it's about as funny as our last divorce, and there was nothing remotely funny about that, buster! Okay, we admit it: there can be testosterone-fueled dickheads on the left as well as the right.
Just consider us post-pre-anti-bi-omni-hairdresser-Bob-joint-post(again)-political.
Enjoy,And, We're Not So Sure About The Words "And" And "The"
Five things Paul Ryan said in his speech at the Republican National Convention that were not lies:
1. My name is Paul Ryan.SOURCE: The Web Page of Lists
[http://www.ListsPage.argh/2012/August/The_Lyin_In_Summer.asp]
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You Can't Get Up The Ramp If You're In Reverse
With Her Track Record, Ford Can Expect To Be Given A Syndicated Advice Column Any Day Now
Absolutely! Because the 80 year-old rape victim was just asking for it wearing those surgical stockings and that sack dress that completely covered her figure! Mmmmm...surgical stockings! My heartbeat quickens just thinking about them! Or, how about the 12 year-old sexual assault victim who was wearing her school uniform - there's nothing hotter than a girl wearing the exact same outfit as 100 other girls! Even as Ford tweeted, an Amish bishop was in court for allegedly coercing his female followers to have sex, and we all know that there's nothing modest about Amish clothing!
Okay, this is a common enough bit of ignorance. What blasted Krista Ford's tweet into the "Where is the sanity?" stratosphere is that she was once a player in the Lingerie Football League. And, miraculously, despite getting physical in her underwear in public, she wasn't raped once!
SOURCE: Karl's Big Red Web Page of Unreconstructed Marxism
[http://www.bigred.commie/articles/218^.htm]
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DETENTION DIARY: Nuts, To You!
WEEK THIRTY-SIX
I may have been causing the children a small measure of distress.
"Stop it, dad!" Jordan shouted. "You're freaking me out!"
"Mom!" Banias shouted in the opposite direction. "Dad is acting like a freak!"
I was not acting like a freak! Okay, I was curled up in a ball by the fence in our backyard, clutching my knees tightly and rocking back and forth while keening loudly. Maybe the keening was over the top. A little.
Gertrude rushed out and yelled, "WHAT IS GOING ON OUT HERE?"
"I mumble mumble in the mumble mumble," I told her between gasping breaths.
"We were playing catch with the football," Banias shouted. "And, I accidentally hit dad in the nuts."
"Banias!" Gertrude threatened.
"IT WAS AN ACCIDENT!" he insisted.
"Kids! In the house - NOW!" Gertrude commanded.
They quickly went without another word. Then, my wife turned on me. "What the hell, Phil?" she angrily asked.
"When I was in prison, they used to -" I started, no longer keening but still rocking.
Gertrude held up a hand to stop me. "Don't care," she said. "We cannot live like this. You will either see a psychiatrist, or I will throw you out of the house. Is that clear?"
Over the next hour of rocking, I resolved to see a psychiatrist.
SOURCE: Harpo's
[http://harpos.org/archive/2012/09/09/dd-9000036]
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Of Course, The Natives Watching The Mardis Gras Parade Tell Their Own Eloquent Story...
You have a problem with immigration? You need to spend some time at the Canadian National Exhibition.
There, you will see Sikhs lining up to get on the Tilt-a-Whirl. You'll see people from Japan wasting their money trying to win a giant minion from the movie Despicable Me at games of nominal skill. You'll see people from China taking photographs of the entries in the sand sculpture competition. You'll see Muslims eating funnel cake.
Muslims eating funnel cake! It's a lot harder to hate Muslims after you've seen a family of them eating funnel cake!
SOURCE: Les Pages aux Folles
[http://www.lespagesauxfolles.ca]
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The Republicans Sure Were Wallowing In Something
Film Director Clint Eastwood captivated the audience at the Republican National Convention with an apparently ad-libbed conversation with his pal Binky the Hippopotamus. Binky went on a long tirade against the Obama administration's policies on taxation, gun control and the freedom to wallow in shallow rivers to stay out of the blistering heat.
Oh, and then some other guy spoke. Matt...Mitt...Mutt Something? It's hard to remember what happened after Eastwood's performance...
SOURCE: The Lefty Hipp-Starr Show
[http://www.msnobc.msn.com/id/30015628/]
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Which Is Probably Why Nobody Is Watching It
9pm. SHO. Real Housewives of Erewhon. Maggie spends an afternoon clipping coupons. Jane drops her two year-old daughter off at her mother's house so she can work a 10 hour shift at a big box appliance store for minimum wage. Daria fights with her ex-husband about late child support payments. Reality TV doesn't get much realer than this!
SOURCE: Ukrainian TV Guide
[http://www.tvguide.ua/listings/index.asp?referrerID=0&returnurl=%2Flistings%2Findex%2Easp%3F®Mode=0]
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The Presidency Is Bot And Paid For
When you put the Romneybot2012's speech through a Mitt to Human Translator, what he appears to be saying is very different from what he is actually saying.
QUOTE: "My promise is to help you and your family." TRANSLATION (IF HE'S SMILING): "My promise is to help you and your family...get off your asses, stop relying on the government and fend for yourselves." TRANSLATION (IF HE'S NOT SMILING): "If you make more than a million dollars a year, my promise is to help you and your family keep even more of it than you already do."
QUOTE: "I wish President Obama had succeeded because I want America to succeed." TARNSLATION: "I just said this to watch Mitch McConnell squirm."
QUOTE: "My country deserves better." TRANSLATION: "My country club deserves better."
QUOTE: "In America, we celebrate success. We don't apologize for success." TRANSLATION: "You are so not getting a look at my tax returns before the election!"
SOURCE: The Day To Day Show, with Jon Tudor
[http://www.comedycentric.com/tv_shows/thedaytodayshowwithjontudor/headlines_pol.jhtml]
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It's Terrible When An Average Guy Gets A Huckabee In His Bonnet
The Mike Huckabee Great Americans Programme:
1. Rape as many women as possible. Forcibly.
2. Those whose natural defenses do not keep them from getting pregnant could bear the next Ethel Waters or Paul Robeson.
3. Build more prisons for the children of rapists who turn to lives of crime because their mothers were not emotionally, physically, financially or otherwise able to bring them up properly.
4. If we're very lucky, one of the children of a rape victim might bear the next Bill Gates or Steve Jobs. If we're unlucky (and, by we, I mostly mean women), go back to step one and try again.
SOURCE: Politics For Dummies
[http://www.politicsfordummies.com/home.asp?did=753&dir=bb]
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