Thank you, Buff Larkin, for signing up for The Daily Me. Our search engine has combed the Internet for up to the minute news items that fit the profile you have so painstakingly filled out for us. Then, we weighted the probability that you would be interested in these articles against forms which showed what people with tastes similar to yours have liked reading in the past. Then, we got caught up in the Olympics. We anxiously watched the Queen parachute into the opening ceremonies - would the 90 year-old Monarch make it to the ground safely? We watched Paul McCartney perform without anybody shutting down the amps (much as they may have wanted to). Then, as we settled in to watch the first heats of the long distance pole vaulting event, we asked ourselves, "Wait a minute, selves - aren't these the people who threatened to dunk our heads in the toilet if we didn't give them our lunch money in high school? Why, exactly, are we celebrating them?" And, we turned off the TV and went on to lead happy, productive lives.
Enjoy,Moral Panics Ain't What They Used To Be
With the 217th drowning death in Canada this year, we may be on a pace to surpass the record 409 drowning deaths in 2010. Could this be the second The Summer of the Water?
Toronto Mayor Rob Ford met with Prime Minister Stephen Harper to deal with the rash of drowning deaths, but neither man is talking about what they talked about. It may be significant, though, that the Mayor has called for more police to be stationed in and around the city's beaches.
"People should not be afraid to go swimming," wrote Toronto Star columnist Heather Mallick.
"People should be very afraid to go swimming," wrote Toronto Star columnist Rosie DiManno.
"My...swimming trunks are in the cleaners," wrote Toronto Star columnist Rick Salutin.
SOURCE: Toronto Startle
[http://www.thestartle.com/NASApp/cs/ContentServer?pagename=thestartle/Layout/Article_Type1&c=Article&cid=
1458591831000&call_pageid=901035276372&col=101666972853]
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Because The Consequences Were Perfectly Predictable?
CONSERVATIVE: The problem with Liberals is that they don't appreciate the law of unintended consequences.
LIBERAL: Is that right?
CONSERVATIVE: When you create social programmes to help people, they often have consequences you couldn't have foreseen. Negative consequences.
LIBERAL: Like, when Conservatives stop giving work visas to foreign strippers, a consequence of which is that strip clubs start recruiting local high school and university students?
CONSERVATIVE: What? NO! That's not an example of the law of unintended consequences!
LIBERAL: You mean, you intended for that to happen?
CONSERVATIVE: STOP TWISTING MY WORDS WITH LOGIC!
SOURCE: This 22 Minutes Feels Like An Hour
[http://www.mothercorp.ca/hour22minutes/]
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I'm Waiting For Fifty Shades Of Le Petit Prince
Taking literary classics and tarting them up with scenes of bondage in the style of Ana Steele's Fifty Shades of Grey has become quite popular with publishers. The latest public domain work to get this treatment has been the Bible with publication of Bible: The Naughty Bits Edition.
Unfortunately, it already contained so much salacious material that few readers noticed the changes.
SOURCE: Unread Book News
[http://217.204.43.29/cgi/NGoto/2/64382861?3518]
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You Know It's Pretty Bad When You Pay Less In Taxes Than The Bum On The Corner You Just Gave A Dollar To
SOURCE: No Comment Quotes
[http://thesepeopleareinsane.psy/update.toshtml]
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Every Man Is The Hero Of His Own Custody Battle
Sometimes, it's good to remember that the Bag of Crazy is truly democratic. You don't have to be rich, a politician, a celebrity, a used car salesman or a rich celebrity used care salesman politician to take up residence - there's always room for one more.
Now, you or I may have said that Hans Mills abandoned his children when he refused to pay child support for them; fleeing Canada was just bonus nuttiness. However, his special brand of denial makes him see things differently. After all, a 10 year-old fighting cancer, a 14 year-old with Down Syndrome and a 19 year-old with substance abuse problems don't need much care, right? RIGHT?
Oh, and we felt proud of not playing up the spaceship comment. Of course, being fans of good science fiction, we wouldn't...
SOURCE: Karl's Big Red Web Page of Unreconstructed Marxism
[http://www.bigred.commie/articles/218^.htm]
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Is There Life On Lars?
Filesharing Web site Pirate Bay has been ordered to pay about $750,000 to record companies to compensate musicians for music freely shared on their servers. Good luck to the musicians collecting! Not only do the defendants have few assets in Sweden, but the record companies have said that any money they do collect will go to anti-pirating efforts.
"I'm glad," said Metallica drummer Lars Ulrich, "that I will finally be getting compensated for - WHHHHAAAAAAT?"
SOURCE: LotsMusic
[http://www.lotsmusic.com/news/?thedate=7/24/2012#1]
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And, When We Say Cheerfully, We Actually Mean Bitterly And With As Much Shaming As We Can Get In Before You Walk Away From Us
Top nine reasons to believe that the teenage girl who posted to your Facebook page is really a Chick-fil-A promotional hack.
9. "She" asks who you like in the Jets-Broncos game.SOURCE: Late Tonight with David Lenoman
[http://marketing.ubs.com/latetonight/latetonightshow/list]
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DETENTION DIARY: They Heard The Word Pissant In A Jean Renoir Film, And Liked It So Much They Use It Every Chance They Get
WEEK THIRTY-ONE
After the trial ended, I thought, being, you know, innocent and all, that I would be treated better. In fact, the guards got more hostile, more pushy, more likely to trip me when I was carrying a tray of food to my table, not less. They whispered things like, "Okay, you beat the system. What? You want a medal?" and "Lucky break, pissant!" and, for reasons I could never fathom, "Camel spit lover!" whenever I passed by. It was as if the military justice system had let them down, and they were going to get justice in their own way. Their own petty justice in their own small-minded way.
"You see that towelhead over there?" a guard said, pressing my face to the wire fence in the exercise yard.
"Which one?" I asked, a bit slurred because of you know.
"The young one," the guard said. "Sitting away from the others. Reading the book."
"The Koran?" I asked.
"No. The Satanic Verses!" the guard sneered, pushing my face into the fence a little harder.
"Yeth! Yeth!" I shouted as best I could. "I thee him!"
The guard relented. "His name's Omar. A...Canadian. He's been here for five years."
"He looks...14."
"He's 19, okay? Nineteen! Almost an adult!"
"Okay, okay, but, if he's 19 now, wouldn't that mean -"
The guard wasn't interested in hearing what that would have meant. "He'll probably be here til the day he dies. America doesn't want him and Canada won't take him back. Rotting in a secret maximum security facility after you made a deal with the court to go home - now, that's justice!"
"Doesn't seem like a good deal to me," I commented.
"What?" the guard bellowed.
"Why should the American public pay for the incarceration of a Canadian prisoner?"
"Terrorist!" After a few seconds, the guard let up and spit out, "Get used to his face, camel spit lover!" [See?] "The two of you will be here until the sun goes nova!"
Yeah, I miserably thought, and I'll probably get blamed for that, too!
SOURCE: Harpo's
[http://harpos.org/archive/2012/08/05/dd-9000031]
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