The Daily Me - Algonquin Viator

Thank you, Algonquin Viator, for signing up for The Daily Me. Our search engine has combed the Internet for up to the minute news items that fit the profile you have so painstakingly filled out for us. Then, we weighted the probability that you would be interested in these articles against forms which showed what people with tastes similar to yours have liked reading in the past. Then, as we were planning our first date with a hoped for aquatic acquaintance (seafood places were out for obvious reasons, and any theatre we would go to would have to be wash pail accessible), we found out that, scientifically speaking, mermaids do not actually exist. DAMN YOU, ANIMAL PLANET! WE'LL NEVER BELIEVE ANOTHER THING YOU AIR! Now, if you'll excuse us, we're going to watch Splash a few times to drown our sorrows.

Enjoy,
The Daily Me Staff

In Their Defense...Well, They Can Speak For Themselves...

The Department of National Defense claims that soldiers photographed using a military helicopter to go fishing in Labrador were engaging in survival training, among other useful activities. I, for one, believe them.

When you find yourself lost and alone in the desert, the difference between life and death may hang on your ability to catch a fish. Assuming you have a rod and reel with you. And, you have something you can use as a lure. And, you can find water...

SOURCE: This 22 Minutes Feels Like An Hour

[http://www.mothercorp.ca/hour22minutes/]
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Or Lived In Aurora, A Suburb Of Denver

Toronto's Deputy Mayor Doug Holyday has gone on record as saying that downtown is not a good place to raise children. He has obviously never watched an episode of Suburgatory.

SOURCE: Toronto Stunned

[http://www.canoodle.com/NewsStand/TorontoStunned/News/2012/07/09/509727.html]
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DETENTION DIARY: Frustrating As Hell, But Good...

WEEK THIRTY

Seriously, any day now. I mean, fun is fun and all, but, SERIOUSLY. YOU CAN LET ME GO ANY DAY NOW! ANY DAY NOW! LET ME GO! ANY DAY! NOW!

You think cockroaches are ugly? Well, they're uglier when they smirk.

SOURCE: Harpo's

[http://harpos.org/archive/2012/07/29/dd-9000030]
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You're So Vain, You Probably Think Dallas Is About You

The annual Western Killing of Horses for No Good Reason Rodeo (also known, by some, as the Calgary Stampede) just ended. Three horses were killed in this year's chuckwagon race.

"We only really need to kill one horse to prove our studly machoness," said long-time WKoHfNGR Rodeo fan Ernesto Sloop. "The other two dead horses were just a bonus!"

SOURCE: Vancouver Stunned

[http://www.canoodle.com/NewsStand/VancouverStunned/News/2012/07/18/509727.html]
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I Would Totally Trust The Voices In The Mayor's Head To Make Good Public Policy

1 in five, nobody here gets out alive) Toronto Mayor Rob Ford has said: "I want 'em out of the city. Go somewhere else. I don't want 'em living in the city any more." To whom was he referring? a) Mormons
b) locavore vegetarian bicyclists
c) bad people

 2 hot to handle) Bad people? Really? How would the bad people Rob Ford doesn't want in his city be identified? a) they have tattoos of Karl Marx on their left wrists
b) they have guns (not bad in itself) which they use to shoot people (not necessarily a problem) in the suburbs (they should be strung high before run out of town!)
c) the voices in his head would point them out (voices in your head can be good that way...)

SOURCE: Les Pages aux Folles

[http://www.lespagesauxfolles.ca]
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And, Why Should I Give A Tosh About Aggression Masquerading As Humour?

In response to a man who shouted at one of his performances that a rape joke he told wasn't funny, comedian Daniel Tosh reportedly said: "Wouldn't it be funny if that guy got raped by like, five women right now? Like right now? What if a bunch of women just raped him..." Almost immediately, the Twitterverse erupted...in confusion.

@goofasaurus_rex tweeted: "that's just stupid - guys can't get raped - it's a biological fact!!"

@IHATEDYOUFIRST tweeted: "ha ha Isn't that every guy's dream?"

@KarenElson, apparently responding to the initial tweets that seemed not to take the subject seriously, tweeted: "Come on. Guys can have sex against their will, too. Rape is rape."

This display of human empathy could not be allowed to go unanswered. @Einstein2012 tweeted: "it was a joke. A joke. Jooooooke. women got no sense of humor. ill bet ur a lousy Lays, too!!!!"

@mygunsbiggerthanyours12 tweeted: "fuckn feminazi tryna getall up in some poor millionaire standups face! go back 2 teh kitchen, bitch - I'm hungry!"

And all was right with the Twitterverse once again.

SOURCE: Titters Comedy Club

[http://www.titters.com/info/TittersClubs/ElginClub/elgNowAppearing.cfm]
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The Best Part?
You Get To Pay For Your Own Fear Through Your Taxes!
(Come On, Admit It: It's A Much Better Use Of Your Money Than Going To See Not So Final Final Destination XIII: The Destinationing!)

PRIME MINISTER: I am the Prime Minister who wants his people to live in fear, even of their own children.

PUBLIC SAFETY MINISTER: I am the Cabinet Minister who suggests that a public information campaign tie children to illicit drug use.

AD EXECUTIVE: I am the advertising executive who agreed to take on the making of this radio spot on behalf of the Harper Government of Canada.

CREATIVE: I am the advertising company producer who wrote and executed the fear your children's drug use radio spot.

RADIO NETWORK EXECUTIVE: I'm the executive at the radio network who approved the fear your children's drug use radio spot for airing.

BIG VOICED ANNOUNCER: Fear. We all profit from it.

SOURCE: Drew's Transcript-o-rama

[http://www.transcript-o-rama.com/fearitsownbadself.shtml]
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Sometimes, The Obvious Needs To Be Said...In Rhyme...

Sartre Was an Optimist

This knowledge may be a little dated,
But while Plato the old Greek pontificated
The majority of people were slaves.
While Aristotle mused on justice and beauty,
Everybody else waded knee-deep in doody
And found themselves in early graves.

It should be no surprise the common Greek lived in dreck:
The Little Guy always gets it in the neck.

While all about them poverty did rage,
Corporate barons enjoyed the spoils of the Gilded Age.
Not for the rich, disease or violence to brave.
Widows and orphans would suffer the lash
As they twiddled their (admittedly cartoonish) moustache -
No amount of material excess could give them what they craved.

It may not be fair, but what the heck?
The Little Guy always gets it in the neck.

While the economy the rich plunder,
From debt you are going under.
Still, you mustn't expect a political save.
While society crumbles, it is paramount
Their money be safe in off-shore accounts.
It will do you no good to rant and rave.

When whole economies for their sport the wealthy wreck,
The Little Guy always gets it in the neck.

SOURCE: Poetry, Cornered

[http://www.cibc.com/ca/personal/poetrycorner/611.html]
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