Thank you, Ho Chen Tung, for signing up for The Daily Me. Our search engine has combed the Internet for up to the minute news items that fit the profile you have so painstakingly filled out for us. Then, we weighted the probability that you would be interested in these articles against forms which showed what people with tastes similar to yours have liked reading in the past. Then, we considered commenting on a local German court's ruling that circumcision should be outlawed because it amounted to bodily harm. It wouldn't take a whole editorial, just a snip. Uhh, snippet. Short comment, really. But, we cut the comment for reasons of taste. Not that we "cut" anything - sorry we chopped - no, no, no, sliced, would be a better - severed! We sev - oh, bugger it!
Let the angry letters from Jews and Muslims commence. That will be a first...
Enjoy,Security Head Can't See The Forest For The Toews
TOP SECRET email to the Minister of Public Safety:
Hey, Vic,
How's it hanging? Ha ha. Yeah, yeah, I know we lost some ground on capital punishment. Still, now that the Conservatives have got a majority and all, well, a director of the Canadian Security Intelligence Service can dream, can't he?
Anyhoo, I like what you've been doing with the Internet surveillance law. I really like it. I mean, if I could just get my hands on Internet subscribers' personal information, I could personally eliminate all crime in this country! No shit! You'd have to pass new legislation just to give the police something to do! I really, really like this law.
Course, some people will object to the scope of what we're trying to accomplish, here. I would be happy to help you tweak the law to make it more palatable to those who make their living off of other people's crimes. Perhaps you could add:
Just some thoughts. If these tweaks don't work for you, I've got plenty more where they came from. Just let me know, and I'll pass them along.
Go, Senators! (The, uhh, hockey team, not the upper chamber. Sorry for the ambiguity.)
"Deadeye" Dick FaddenSOURCE: The Smoking Gut
[http://www.thesmokinggut.com/archive/108096382861023470563-7946374864826327230173072840-473418378cahs01.html]
more
Be Thankful It Wasn't Middle Aged Crazy Wolf - Man, That Show Would Bite!
The television series Teen Wolf has been given a commitment for a 24 episode season, while Fringe and Eureka both have to end with 13 episode seasons. What kind of a just god would allow this to happen?
SOURCE: Ukrainian TV Guide
[http://www.tvguide.ua/listings/index.asp?referrerID=0&returnurl=%2Flistings%2Findex%2Easp%3F®Mode=0]
more
Umm...Could You Walk Me Through That Logic One More Time?
Brad Pitt's mother's father's nephew's brother's third cousin's niece's sister three times removed (this afternoon alone) has come out against gay marriage, an issue Pitt vocally supports. This proves, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that Brad Pitt is a moron.
SOURCE: Toronto Stunned
[http://www.canoodle.com/NewsStand/TorontoStunned/News/2012/07/08/509727.html]
more
Then, It Cleaned Up The Mess And Went To Its Day Job At The Ministry Of Propaganda
Conservative MP Pierre Poilievre, referring to a Harper Government of Canada's announcement that it will be studying the possible health effects of wind turbines, stated that: "In all cases, science and facts should rule our decisions."
The Absurd Ironyometer didn't know whether it should be more outraged that this came from a government that has been gutting agencies that could provide it with facts or that a similar approach hasn't been applied to non-renewable sources of energy like, oh, I don't know, the Alberta tar sand? So, it sat quietly for a couple of minutes until its head exploded.
SOURCE: Big Alex' Domesday Countdown Page
[http://www.allaboutalex.wha/Domesday/new]
more
DETENTION DIARY: Yes...Dreams Are Good...
WEEK TWENTY-NINE
Yep. Any day now, I should be let out...
SOURCE: Harpo's
[http://harpos.org/archive/2012/07/22/dd-9000029]
more
Because Cost Overruns Should Remain Where They Belong: In The Pockets Of Developers
Progressive Conservative Leader Tim Hudak has claimed that the 2015 Pan American Games are in danger of serious cost overruns if the province's "outdated, sexist, reprobate, oleaginously icky" labour laws are not changed. By Hudak's calculations, paying workers living wages could cost the province "sixty crapillion dollars."
"That's not even a real unit of measurement!" objected Ontario Premier Dalton McGuinty.
"It will be," Hudak purred. "It will be..."
SOURCE: Glob and Maul
[http://www.globandmaul.com/servlet/story/RTGAM.20120712.eladvote0712_@/BNStory/provincialnewsOops2012/]
more
Un Hunh, Very Funny - Still, That's 449,988 More People Than The Average Blog Audience!
Yahoo has confirmed that the email addresses and passwords of around 450,000 of its users had been leaked because of a security breach. This is outrageous!
Yahoo still has 450,000 users? What kind of a just god would allow this to happen?
SOURCE: Geekly News & World Report
[http://www.geeklynews.com/geeklynews/issue/120711/geeklynews/01yahooareyou.htm]
more
Another Protestor Answered: "Whadya Got?"
Protestors in Cairo pelted American Secretary of State Hillary Clinton's motorcade with tomatoes, shoes and fezzes (presumably because fezzes are cool). When asked why he was throwing objects at a car, protestor Aziz Azulea replied, "I have to have a reason? It's a slow Sunday afternoon, and if I wasn't doing this I would probably be interrogating Muslim Brotherhood members in - ahem. Well. Maybe I have said too much..."
SOURCE: The Arad Post
[http://www.apost.com/servlet/Satellite?pagename=APost/APArticle/ShowFull&cid=1068838597415]
more
Tim Hudak Smiles And Says, "Told Ya!"
In response to allegations of anti-competitive, monopolistic, predatory and otherwise just not very nice behaviour, Visa and Mastercard have agreed to pay up to $7.25 billion and allow stores to encourage customers to use cheaper forms of payment.
Of course, the credit companies made a crapillion dollars by actively discouraging stores from offering customers cheaper forms of payment, so you have to wonder exactly how punishing the punishment was.
SOURCE: The Financial Riposte
[http://www.canada.com/national/nationalwhippingpost/financialriposte/story.html?id=52ddccd7-f6f3-4f4f-9f25-a2eb4cc6a376]
more
Isn't There Already An Organization...Elections Something, I Think...To Deal With Problems Like This?
Conservative MP Dean Del Mastro says that he "wants a process put in place by which he can clear his name," of allegations that he deliberately went over spending limits in the 2008 federal election by using a payback scheme run through members of his family.
The first phase of the process would involve Del Mastro claiming that he did nothing wrong. The second phase of the process would involve Del Mastro telling all of his critics to shut the fuck up. The third, key phase of the process would involve everybody going about their business and acting as though nothing had happened.
SOURCE: The Irrational
[http://www.mc.ca/stories/2012/07/13/delmastroofhisowndomain120712]
more