The Daily Me - Eddie "Sour" Puss

Thank you, Eddie "Sour" Puss, for signing up for The Daily Me. Our search engine has combed the Internet for up to the minute news items that fit the profile you have so painstakingly filled out for us. Then, we weighted the probability that you would be interested in these articles against forms which showed what people with tastes similar to yours have liked reading in the past. Then, we read about a robotic hand designed by scientists at the University of Tokyo, Japan that always wins at rock-paper-scissors. Always. How? It cheats, of course. It analyzes the motion of the hand of its opponent a fraction of a second before his move is revealed, then it decides on a counter-move a fraction of a second later. This is so fast that the human opponent is not aware of it. And, we thought, "This is the kind of AI research that gets funding these days? Pathetic!"

Now, if they had used this research to build a robotic hand that could counter a Three Stooges eye poke, artificial intelligence research would finally be doing something useful!

Enjoy,
The Daily Me Staff

The Janitor May Still Face Charges Before The International Criminal Court

A janitor at the Canadian Forces Base Montcalm Pontoon Summer has been cleared by the Military Police Complaints Commission of any wrongdoing in the Canadian transfer of detainees to Afghan security forces, which were notorious for torturing prisoners. "Can I get my mop back now?" asked a visibly relieved Jurgen Fitzschmendrick. "The mess hall is a mess, and don't even ask about the officers' classic games arcade!"

"Well, that's that then. Complete exoneration of the military and the government," commented Prime Minister Stephen Harper. "Now, if you will excuse me, I have an environment to pillage."

SOURCE: Glob and Maul

[http://www.globandmaul.com/servlet/story/RTGAM.20120626.eladvote0626_@/BNStory/newsExoneration2012/]
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I Could Have Taught Them That For $10 Million And A Corned Beef Sandwich

I see that United Technologies has been fined $75 million for selling China software that it used to create the country's first modern attack helicopters. About $20 million of the fines will be used to by the company to improve its export control procedures. That's right: $20 million.

That seems like an awful lot of money to teach a bunch of executives how to say: "No."

SOURCE: Late Tonight with David Lenoman

[http://marketing.ubs.com/latetonight/latetonightshow/monologue]
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Sorry, But This Headline Is Above Your Pay Grade

Anecdotal evidence suggests that Canada's world ranking in Freedom of Information has slipped substantially over the last five years. Unfortunately, the Harper Government of Canada is not releasing the data, so it is impossible to know.

SOURCE: The Irrational

[http://www.mc.ca/stories/2012/06/23/buthonestlycanweeverreallyknowanything120623]
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Or, The End Of His Tether

"You have the discrediting of Joseph McCarthy. The question is, was Joseph McCarthy right? Was he right? You'll probably begin to decide that by the end of the war. Here you have - or the end of the show." - Glenn Beck

SOURCE: No Comment Quotes

[http://thesepeopleareinsane.psy/update.toshtml]
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In Fact, It Would Be Best If They Sold Guns Blindfolded (So They Couldn't Pick Customers Out Of A Lineup, The First Step In Reconstituting The Long Gun Registry)

The Conservative government has decided to pass a law forbidding gun store owners from keeping records of the guns they stock. "Heaven forbid," Minister of Public Safety Vic Toews cried, "these records could some day be used to reconstitute the long gun registry!"

"How am I supposed to keep track of inventory?" said Robert McSquealch, owner of Bob's Barbs, Bait & Bullets, "when the law says I am forbidden from keeping track of inventory?"

"What do I look like," Toews hotly responded, "a Minister of Industry or something?"

SOURCE: Ottawa Stunned

[http://www.canoodle.com/NewsStand/OttawaStunned/News/2012/06/22/509727.html]
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Sending Madea Into Space Is Not The Problem
The Problem Is That He Will Want To Bring Her Back

Tyler Perry didn't like Prometheus, so he's planning on making his own science fiction film. My reaction when I heard the news was: Tyler Perry? Tyler Perry? Tyler fucking Perry? Tyler fucking Madea Perry! What horrible sins did the science fiction fan community commit in our lives to deserve THAT?

SOURCE: Bill's Bitter Pills

[http://bill.geekgoons.com/]
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What Is The Opposite Of "Smart Cookie?"

At a recent city council meeting, Toronto Mayor Rob Ford bit into a new Oreo cookie that has six layers of various colours. "Mmm...tasty," he commented. When his brother leaned over and whispered that the layers represented a rainbow, the symbol of the gay movement, Ford erupted, spitting cookie crumbs all over those around him.

"I...I bit into the gayness?" Mayor Ford sputtered, batting the remaining crumbs out of his mouth. "I did not bite into the gayness! I...I was having a snack - a straight snack - a very manly snack - at the cottage with my family!"

SOURCE: Toronto Stunned

[http://www.canoodle.com/NewsStand/TorontoStunned/News/2012/06/22/509727.html]
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Big Brother Is Watching...Yes, Prime Minister

10) The Harper Government of Canada has decided to postpone the recording of conversations at airports and border crossings, after the technology had been put in place to do so. HOW DID THAT HAPPEN? a) oh, don' t be so coy. We're all experienced adults, here. A cute little Public Safety Minister is invited out by a hunky security company CEO. They have a few drinks and one thing leads to another and, before you know it, they're in bed together. Then, nine months later, the Public Safety Minister gives birth to a bouncing baby airport surveillance system
b) the Harper Government of Canada is a completely sound and responsible steward of the government's finances...it just sometimes gets its dates confused, is all...
c) you're right, of course. It's a complete disgrace. But, rest assured that the government is doing everything in its power to find out who leaked information of the technology to the public and see that they never work in (or out) of government again!

 11) According to Public Safety Minister Vic Toews, "I'm not aware of any private conversations having been recorded by this measure." How can we best understand this statement? a) he's a weaselly bastard: when he approved the project, he told CSIS that he did not want to be told when they started recording private conversations
b) he's a weaselly bastard: conversations have been monitored, they just haven't been recorded
c) he's a weaselly bastard: the Harper Government does not consider airports "private," so any of the conversations it has recorded have been "public"
d) he's a weaselly bastard: other



 12) How many private conversations can we infer the government has recorded from Minister Toews' statement? a) according to the Canadian Charter of Rights and Downplaying Bad Newses, plenty
b) according to the United Nations Charter on Translating Political Speech Into Plain English, plenty, plus 12
c) according to common sense, I'd be careful what I say in airports from now on...

SOURCE: Les Pages aux Folles

[http://www.lespagesauxfolles.ca]
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