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Enjoy,The Fast And The Spurious
While it was largely indifferent to the Pangalactic Trade Partnership (PTP) six months ago, in the last week the Harper Government of Canada, under pressure from the country's three remaining corporations, begged the Panjundrum of Alleghobi to be included. But, has Canada given away too much for the privilege of entering a trade pact with planets that it has mostly already entered into bi-lateral trade pacts with?
"Oh, absolutely," enthused Minister of International Trade Ed Fast. "Sure, we'll have to give up some things. Like, our currency. And, control of our economy. And, probably most of our first born sons - we're still waiting on a proper translation for that one. But, considering what we're getting out of the negotiations, I wouldn't say that it's too much."
When pressed about what Canada is actually getting out of the negotiations, Fast thought for several minutes before answering: "Well...being part of the Pangalactic Trade Partnership will give us an opportunity to fix what was wrong with the Trans-Pacific Partnership, and that's...something, anyway."
SOURCE: Alternate Reality News Service
[http://www.arns.com/sinbin?id=72894641375641314017fx]
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The Right Needs To Stop This Monkey Business
I'd like to believe that Barbara Espinosa, host of Arizona radio talk show Hair on Fire, is a Red Lectroid from Planet 10. If that was the case, her comment about President Obama would be no more offensive than John Worfin, in the body of Doctor Emilio Lizardo, shouting, "Laugh while you can, monkey-boy!"
Unfortunately, she's a human being (very loosely defined), so the only way a reasonable person could interpret the comment is that it was racist. Unfortunately, the Obama/monkey comparison is not uncommon on the right, and it's not like any of the senior members of the Republican Party have condemned it, so this is not what makes Espinosa take up residency in the Bag of Crazy.
No, it's the kaleidoscope of rationalizations that seems a bit unhinged. This isn't Family Feud, Barbara! Nobody's here to say, "'Monkeys are generally considered to be intelligent' - SURVEY SAYS!" Choose a justification for your racism and stick to it!
SOURCE: Karl's Big Red Web Page of Unreconstructed Marxism
[http://www.bigred.commie/articles/218^.htm]
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Aardvarks Said They Wished It Was Easier To Find Ants
It would now appear that Amelia Earheart sent out a distress signal before she disappeared that was ignored. Conservative ideologues said this was the fault of a bloated bureaucracy. Liberal ideologues said it was the fault of cutbacks that left emergency services overworked and understaffed. Human beings said it was a shame that nobody cared to save her when they had the chance.
SOURCE: Peephole
[http://peephole.aol.com/peephole/articles/0,10166,1034749,02.html]
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Would It Be Too Much To Call It A Shining Example Of A Merit Appointment?
The Harper Government of Canada has announced its pick to fill the vacant position of head of the Security Intelligence Review Committee (which oversees CSIS, Canada's spy service): a lamp.
"Actually," the Prime Minister corrected, "that's Lamppe. It's a bright piece of furniture, and I expect it to shine a sharp light on CSIS. Oh, and it's flourescent, which should get the environmentalist traitors off our backs."
When asked what most qualified the lamp to head up SIRC, Prime Minister Harper answered: "It has an off switch."
SOURCE: Toronto Startle
[http://www.thestartle.com/NASApp/cs/ContentServer?pagename=thestartle/Layout/Article_Type1&c=Article&cid=
1087261822815&call_pageid=968893278492&col=960106972184]
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In order to make its prime time programme as viewer-friendly as possible, ABC demanded that each of its viewers for Nik Wallenda's high wire crossing of Niagara Falls wear a diaper.
"Well," Wallenda commented, "this is going to be as exciting as cottage cheese!"
SOURCE: Ukrainian TV Guide
[http://www.tvguide.ua/listings/index.asp?referrerID=0&returnurl=%2Flistings%2Findex%2Easp%3F®Mode=0]
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I'm Sure There Are Many 16 Year-old Boys Who Would Disagree With You
An employee of the Ontario Film Review Board has been reinstated after being suspended from his job for not watching pornography on the Internet.
"I just wanted to check my email and maybe play a little Farmville before I got back to watching Looking For a Friend With Benefits for the End of the World," said Rater, First Class Franklin Andrews. "I know we're supposed to use the Internet for 'research,' but, honestly, there's only so much smut one can watch in a day!"
SOURCE: Entertainment Right Now, Canada!
[http://www.canada.com/globulltv/globullshows/ern_canada.html]
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"Let's Twist - In The Wind - Again"
Policymakers in Washington have decided to Twist again, extending a programme to sell shorter-dated Treasury securities so that they can buy more mature securities. Wall Street traders have called this attempt to spur the US economy and create more jobs by putting downward pressure on interest rates 'Operation Twist.'
"I coulda told 'em it was a bad idea," said legendary musician Chubby Checker. "Sequels to hit songs rarely do as well as the originals. But, did they ask me? Pffh! Do gators mambo?"
SOURCE: Deadline News Network
[http://www.dnn.com/2012/ALLPOLITICS/06/22/reps.main/index.html]
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It May Not Be Much, But In These Days Of Diminished Expectations, Cheap Irony Is The Only Irony Most People Can Afford
Rio, the host of the United Nations Conference on Sustainable Development, has an air pollution index that is three times what the World Health Organization considers acceptable. This is probably a good thing, though: the haze of car exhaust makes it harder to see the approximately 1.2 billion litres of raw waste water a day absorbed by a bay by the city's airport.
When it heard the news, the Absurd Ironyometer choked on...something unhealthy, it is sure.
SOURCE: Big Alex' Domesday Countdown Page
[http://www.allaboutalex.wha/Domesday/new]
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Dos Equis - Wasn't That A Play About A Boy And His Horse?
When he vomits, it creates an image of Gandhi. When he cannot remember what happened the night before, the whole city blacks out. When he sleeps with his girlfriend's sister, both women are satisfied. When he becomes self-pitying, it rains for three days. When he drives under the influence, he doesn't just hit another car, he takes out an entire bus. Of nuns.
He is the most interesting alcoholic in the world.
"Dos Equis - shtay thrishty, my friednishes."
SOURCE: Ad Meek
[http://www.admeek.com/A&W/national/article_display.jsp?nuvu_content_id=1793952618]
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