Thank you, Folly Blaine, for signing up for The Daily Me. Our search engine has combed the Internet for up to the minute news items that fit the profile you have so painstakingly filled out for us. Then, we weighted the probability that you would be interested in these articles against forms which showed what people with tastes similar to yours have liked reading in the past. Then, to celebrate Cinco de Mayo we tried to find some Mayan coffee to drink. We had a sheltered childhood...
Enjoy,Detention Diary: It All Comes Out In The Whitewash
WEEK NINETEEN
A few days later, I was confessing to funnelling arms to terrorists who were fighting the American occupation - sorry, liberation of some Middle East country or other - you know us terrorists have a warped way of looking at the world - when I just had to know, so I asked, "Umm...about last week?"
"Yes?" the interrogator impatiently asked.
"Why was I given a shower a few days ago?"
"Why wouldn't we let you have a shower?" the interrogator responded. "We're not barbarians, you know."
"But...but, you haven't, you know, let me take one since," I sputtered.
"Why would we? This is not a vacation spa, you know." The way the interrogator drummed his fingers on the desk indicated he was out of patience with my questions, so I went back to making up facts about the terrorist cell I was part of.
The next time I was in the exercise yard, I casually sauntered over to the fence that separated me from the dark-skinned men. I noticed that they looked a little less unkempt, their beards not quite as scraggly as they had been before Shower Day.
"Psst," I tried to get their attention. "Hey! I have a question for you. Do any of you know why we were given showers last week?"
None of them looked in my direction.
"Do any of you speak English?" I asked. Still nothing.
"I guess you're not big fans of Fiddler on the Roof, then?" I thought goading them might work. It was like I didn't exist. "Not to worry," I assured them. "It was too schmaltzy for my taste." I sighed - for whatever reason, they were not going to answer - and went back to my corner of the exercise yard.
"I was talking to the head lice of some of the other inmates," Phil the cockroach told me a few minutes after I got back to my cell. "Nice guys, if you overlook how disgusting they are..."
"Yeah, so?"
"So, you wanna know why you were given a shower last week?" Phil the cockroach asked.
"You know why?" I eagerly asked in return.
"You know why," he coolly answered. "Remember, the afternoon after the shower? You were in the exercise yard. Out of the corner of your eye, you saw a couple of soldiers in the distance...?"
"I...I don't..."
"Sure, you do," the cockroach insisted. "You were thinking about what you would do with your wife if you ever got out of here - and, you think I'm disgusting! You were momentarily distracted..."
"There was..." I groped, "a woman. With a clipboard and...and...a severe bun."
"Yes," the cockroach explained. "She was from Amnesty International. Everybody was scrubbed clean so that the prison could be inspected by a civil rights activist!"
I though about this for a moment. "But," I protested, "she was there for maybe two seconds. She couldn't possibly have seen me."
The cockroach tried to shrug, which isn't easy when you don't have any shoulders. "People who run this place probably cleaned up everybody on the off chance that she would ask to see them."
I thought about it some more. Made sense, I guess. Then, I asked: "Any chance we could get her to come every day?"
SOURCE: Harpo's
[http://harpos.org/archive/2012/05/13/dd-9000019]
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You Can Find It In The Dictionary Right Next To Odaferous...
Odaous (adjective): a description of an act, usually political, that disgusts those who hear about it. Coined for Canadian International Development Minister Bev Oda. EXAMPLE: "While her government was cutting seniors benefits and social justice programmes, the Minister was spending $1,000 a day on limos and upgraded rooms in a fancy hotel? That's just odaous behaviour!"
SOURCE: Michelle's Obscure Pedantry Page
[http://www.MichellesOPP.ca/blogger.html]
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His Graciousness Makes Voters Blood Run Cold
Newt Gingrich has announced that he is dropping out of the race for the Republican Presidential nomination. "My publisher told me I wasn't going to be able to milk it in order to sell many more books," he explained, "so I figured it was my duty to my party and to my country to get out of the way of the weaselly, two-faced, Conservative of convenience bastard who seems to be the frontrunner."
SOURCE: USA Whenever
[http://www.usawhenever.com/news/newyork/2012-05-05-that's-gingrich-coming-from-him_x.htm]
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Yeah, My High School Teachers Gave Me A "Negative Outlook," And Look At How I Turned Out!
It should have been a bad week for Ontario. Although bond rating agency DBRS didn't change, Moody's downgraded the province's bonds and Standard and Poor's gave the province a negative outlook. So, why is Premier Dalton McGuinty smiling?
"What's the difference between bond rating agencies' pronouncements and art?" McGuinty quipped. "Art has to make sense."
SOURCE: Toronto Startle
[http://www.thestartle.com/NASApp/cs/ContentServer?pagename=thestartle/Layout/Article_Type1&c=Article&cid=1088544831813
&call_pageid=968335278690&col=723666972154]
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I See Your Decade, And Raise You A Century
The United States has announced a deal that will allow its troops to stay in Afghanistan until 2024. In response, Canada announced it will keep its troops in until 2124.
"Uhh, this is not a competition," said US Secretary of State Hilary Clinton.
"This is absolutely, definitely not a competition," agreed Canadian Prime Minister Stephen Harper.
"Are you...competing with me about not competing?" Clinton asked.
"Umm..." Harper considered for a moment. "Well. Would you respect me more if I was?"
SOURCE: Canadian Depress
[http://www.cd.org/english/notforyou.htm]
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They Were Planning On Holding The Protest On 4.20, But They Were Distracted By The Colours In A Barnett Newman Painting
An estimated 15,000 people in Toronto took part in the 14th annual Global Marijuana March on Saturday. Of course, trying to get a drug legalized on Cinco de Mayo may not have sent the message they were hoping to send...
SOURCE: Toronto Stunned
[http://www.canoodle.com/NewsStand/TorontoStunned/News/2012/05/06/509727.html]
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Hollywood Knows Which Side Of The Bread Its Butter Is Splattered On
In the wake of the Trayvon Martin shooting, Twentieth Century Fox has changed the name of the comedy Neighbourhood Watch. "It was the right thing to do," a Fox spokesperson said.
The current working title of the movie is: Hoody Hell.
SOURCE: Imaginary Movie Database
[http://www.imd.com/title/tt0175030/]
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Putting The Con Back in Conrad (Like It Ever Really Left!)
Remember when I railed against "the condition Irving Layton described 35 years ago as the Canadian political and intellectual communities' tendency to regard ‘cowardice as wisdom, philistinism as Olympian serenity and the spitefulness of the weak as moral indignation?'" The fact that Canada has let me return, after all of the terrible things I did and said about the country, just proves the point.
And, thank goodness for that!
SOURCE: The National Whipping Post
[http://www.canada.com/national/nationalwhippingpost/news/story.html?ia=0ec0ecda-b22e-4c18-bff7b-07b204c97ec]
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Let's Hear It For The Thin Yellow Line!
Wait...That...Didn't Sound...Right...
Metro police were out in full force to celebrate May Day. And, why not? They have one of the most successful unions in the country.
There may have been other celebrants at the event. You know, civilians. It's hard to tell.
SOURCE: The Matrixxx
[http://www.thematrixxxto.com/news/city/long-term-planning-not-their-strong-suit/]
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To Be Fair: Republicans Hate Poor And Immigrant Men Almost As Much
Republicans are pushing back against the idea that restricting funds for Planned Parenthood, making it almost impossible to get access to abortion services, and busting unions and lowering minimum wages (both of which disproportionately affect female workers) constitutes a "war on women."
Their slogan, "Republicans: we don't hate women. We just love differentiating cells more" doesn't instill confidence that they are really addressing the issue, though.
SOURCE: The Postington Wash
[http://www.postingtonwash.com/wp-dyn/articles/A49881-2012April31.html]
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Expect A Generic Job When You Graduate (If You Don't Already)
The Regents of the University of Western Ontario have decided to rebrand the institution as Generic UniversityTM.
"No, no, this is not merely rebranding," insisted University President. "We have revamped every aspect of University life."
Generic UniversityTM will offer only four degrees: Generic Maths, Generic Sciences, Generic Arts and Generic Fine Arts. "This may not seem like much," Dean of Curriculum stated. "But, when you cram 10,000 people into a single course, you don't really have to offer that many to be financially viable!"
Of course, academics will only be one part of the Generic UniversityTM experience. Students will be able to join a Generic Fraternity or a Generic Sorority. And, of course, generic bands will play on the Generic Quad outside the Generic Sciences Building every Friday night.
Not everybody approved of the changes. "I know the trend is for this country's institutions to remove all trace of their Canadian roots in order to appeal to potential American customers," Generic Social Studies Professor groused. "And, perhaps it's naïve of me to expect that not to occur in education. Still, this seems to be taking the idea to extremes..."
"Well, I, for one, love it!" enthused Female Third Year Generic Sciences Student. "Trying to get a degree and maintain a personal identity was a heavy burden that nobody had prepared me for! Thank you, Generic UniversityTM!"
SOURCE: Canada: Still A Country?
[http://www.irritationnation.ca/whattolookat.asp?ID=210478984-2/]
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