Thank you, Puke Ariki, for signing up for The Daily Me. Our search engine has combed the Internet for up to the minute news items that fit the profile you have so painstakingly filled out for us. Then, we weighted the probability that you would be interested in these articles against forms which showed what people with tastes similar to yours have liked reading in the past. Then, on our way to the bathroom in a restaurant, we passed an open door onto a room where a manager seemed to be talking earnestly to an employee. And, we thought, "Gee, we've heard of open door corporate leadership styles, but somebody clearly misread the management handbook!"
Enjoy,Commit Them All And Let God Consortium Them Out!
ANNOUNCER: The names of some countries in this transcript of a high level security meeting have been changed to protect the easily embarrassed.
COUNTRY 1: I say, this F35 deal with the Yanks has turned into quite the sticky wicket...
COUNTRY 2: Quelle desastre! If only there was a way to get out of it...
COUNTRY 3: Why don't you tell the Americans you want out of the deal?
COUNTRY 2: Are you completement fous? Why don't you tell les Americains you want out of the deal?
COUNTRY 3: You tell them!
COUNTRY 1: No, you tell them!
COUNTRY 2: You tell them!
COUNTRY 1: No, you tell them!
Everybody's attention turns to the country sitting at the other end of the conference table, quietly minding its own business in as inconspicuous a way as it can.
CANADA: What?
COUNTRY 1: You're not happy with the F35 deal the Yanks have stuck us with, are you?
CANADA: Well...
COUNTRY 2: C'est terrible, n'est ce pas?
CANADA: It's true that I have been having second thoughts about it...
COUNTRY 1: (offended) You would actually consider abandoning the consortium?
COUNTRY 2: Traitre!
COUNTRY 3: You would seriously consider leaving the rest of us in the lurch like that?
CANADA: (to itself) Well, that wasn't completely predictable...
SOURCE: Drew's Transcript-o-rama
[http://www.transcript-o-rama.com/theplanetruth.shtml]
more
First, He Loses His Vote, Then He Loses His Shit
ROB FORD NOW: "Obviously, the campaign starts now and I'm willing to take anyone on streetcars against subways in the next election."
ROB FORD A YEAR FROM NOW: "I don't care if the province has approved the LRT plan and ground has been broken - the people are fully behind a subway plan, and they will make their displeasure known in the next election."
ROB FORD TWO YEARS FROM NOW: "Practically finished? Opening ceremonies in a few of months? You people never give up, do you? You have no idea when you're finished! Well, the people will bring you back down to reality in the next election."
ROB FORD THREE YEARS FROM NOW: "Yeah. This is what I'm talking about. You wanted a fight on the LRT, I'm gonna give it to you in this election. I don't care if it has been built and everybody seems happy with it! I'm gonna show you what the power of the people is all about! And, if people are too...brainwashed by your efforts, well, I'll just prove how wrong you were to oppose subways in the next election!
SOURCE: The Matrixxx
[http://www.thematrixxxto.com/city/politics/cracking-underground-pressure/]
more
Remember: Crazy People With Guns Don't Kill People, Wearing A Hoodie While Black Kills People
It's sad, isn't it, when a journalist hasn't gotten the news? Somebody should take Geraldo Rivera aside and point out that no matter how reactionary he becomes, it will never make people forget the Al Capone's vault debacle. Never.
SOURCE: Karl's Big Red Web Page of Unreconstructed Marxism
[http://www.bigred.commie/articles/218^.htm]
more
British Prime Minister David Cameron, Under Fire For Private Meetings With Conservative Party Donors, Asks, "Can I Get In On Some Of That PAC Action?"
The United States Justice Department is investigating American companies that have been accused of bribing foreign officials in order to be given lucrative contracts.
"This would never have happened if foreign politicians would just set up Political Action Committees," stated Secretary of Stating Hillary Clinton. "Really. Our government would be more than happy to show them how the system works, but some countries will insist upon clinging to outmoded governance structures!"
SOURCE: The Postington Wash
[http://www.postingtonwash.com/wp-dyn/articles/A49881-2012Mar20.html]
more
The Producers Are Clearly Out Of Their Depp
Reports out of Hollywood are that the remake of the old vampire television series Dark Shadows starring Johnny Depp will be a comedy. However, there is no truth to the rumours that the movie will be retitled Murky Grey Shadows, Custard Pie in the Face Shadows or Dark Shadows...Under Beautiful Blue Eyes.
SOURCE: Entertainment Right Now
[http://www.entertainmentrightnow.com/mini/smug2012/2012/03/23/darkishshadows/]
more
Detention Diary: You Know You're In Trouble When You Lose An Argument To A Cockroach
WEEK THIRTEEN
"Is this legal?" I asked. "This can't be legal. Is this...is it legal?"
"Is air legal?" a familiar voice responded.
"Air is just...air," I said.
"Exactly," the voice commented.
Several days after my close encounter with electricity, my joints still ached. Loud music was still keeping me from my sleep, which continued to make it hard to concentrate. But, not so hard that I didn't recognize the voice.
"I squished you," I stated.
"I forgive you," the voice replied.
"You...uhh...do?" I confusedly asked.
"Sure," the voice told me. "You weren't in your right mind. Besides, look at the bottom of your foot." I did so. "Do you see cockroach remains?" I did not. "You just imagined you squished me," Phil the philosophical cockroach said, stepping out of the shadows of my cell. "That makes the forgiving so much easier...
"But, I'm imagining you now," I protested.
"True," the cockroach didn't bother to deny it.
"So, why couldn't I imagine stepping on you," I continued. "I mean, why couldn't I imagine really stepping on you... I mean..."
I imagined the cockroach rolling its beady eyes. "I could let you go on like this all afternoon," it commented. "If it is, indeed, afternoon. But, I'll just cut to the chase: I'm here because you need me."
"I need you?"
"Yeah."
"For what?"
"To advise you to cooperate with the interrogators."
"Cooperate with the - but, I haven't done anything!" I angrily protested.
Somebody sighed. Whether it was me or the cockroach, I couldn't tell. "Look," it finally advised, "if you want to get out of here alive, you have to give them something. Otherwise, they'll keep stressing you out and stressing you out and stressing you out until you die."
"But, I'm innocent!" I shouted. "I don't have the information they're looking for!"
Sadly shaking its head, the cockroach said, "Then, make something up."
"You want me to lie!" I yelled. "TO THE GOVERNMENT?"
The slot in the door opened and a guard looked into my cell. "Everything okay in there?" he asked.
"No, everything is not okay in here!" I yelled at him. "I'm being held against my will and tortured - yes, I used the 'T' word - tortured, to get information I don't have! Does that sound okay to you?"
"Don't take it so hard," the guard advised, and shut the slot.
After a suitable silence, the cockroach asked: "So, how badly do you want to get out of here?"
SOURCE: Harpo's
[http://harpos.org/archive/2012/04/01/dd-9000013]
more
Janus Never Had Neck Problems...
VOTER: I'm concerned about how deep the budget cuts are going to be...
PRIME MINISTER STEPHEN HARPER: The coming budget will be all about the long-term economic growth of the country.
PRESTON MANNING: But, you will be making the drastic cuts in social programmes that you promised.
Harper turns to face Manning.
HARPER: Of course.
VOTER: Will my pension be protected in the budget?
Harper turns to face voter.
HARPER: The worker people have nothing to fear from my government, which plans to make pensions sustainable over the long term.
MANNING: But, you will raise the pension eligibility age so that you can cut corporate taxes, right?
Harper turns to face Manning.
HARPER: Of course.
VOTER: Will the environment continue to be protected in the budget?
Harper turns to face voter.
HARPER: The Conservative government is committed to sustainable growth and environmental protection.
MANNING: But, you will gut environmental protections in order to make trasnportimng and selling Canadian oil easier, right?
Harper turns to face Manning.
HARPER: Of course.
VOTER: Can I trust you?
Harper turns to face voter and smiles.
HARPER: Of course.
SOURCE: This 22 Minutes Feels Like An Hour
[http://www.mothercorp.ca/hour22minutes/]
more
The Place Holder Of Justice
In a press conference, Attorney General Eric Holder justified the Obama administration's use of targeted assassinations, which could be used against American citizens.
"We have not abandoned the concept of due process," Holder explained. "In fact, the process is due any day now. Any day, now. Wait for it. Do you hear it? That's the process on its way. Oh, wait, no, that's just my assistant getting me lunch. Don't worry, though. The process really is due. Any, day now. Any, day now. Any day..."
SOURCE: USA Whenever
[http://www.usawhenever.com/news/newyork/2012-03-15-due-date-secret-for-reasons-of-national-security_x.htm]
more
