The Daily Me – Chupa Cabra

Thank you, Chupa Cabra, for signing up for The Daily Me. Our search engine has combed the Internet for up to the minute news items that fit the profile you have so painstakingly filled out for us. Then, we weighted the probability that you would be interested in these articles against forms which showed what people with tastes similar to yours have liked reading in the past. Then, you want Oscar predictions? We've got Oscar predictions! Some people will win awards, more people will lose awards and just about everybody will wake up feeling dirty the next morning!!

Detention Diary: Where I Get To Be Played By George Clooney

WEEK FIVE

One of the things that kept me going in the early days of my...detention seems to be a bit euphemistic for what happened. Let's call it kidnapping. Yeah, that seems to be more accurate. One of the things that kept me going in the early days of my kidnapping was the firm belief that my friends and family were frantically looking for me. When she was stonewalled by the cops, my wife would hire a private detective, whose digging around would eventually get him killed in a hail of bullets when he got too close to the truth. This would not deter my wife, though, who would ask Uncle Guido – the one with the shady business connections – to help her find out what had happened to me. They would meet sketchy sources in dark underground garages, sources who would give them small pieces of a large conspiracy accompanied by dire warnings of what would happen to them if they persevered in their investigations. Uncle Guido would be harassed by the police (nothing out of the ordinary, there) and my wife would be forced to defend my reputation as I was smeared in the press by carefully released disinformation from anonymous sources. Eventually, they would get enough information to convince a has-been star reporter now doing cat up a tree stories for a small weekly paper to write about my case, bringing it to public attention and putting the government in the position of having to admit that they were holding me illegally and, ultimately, forcing them to let me go.

Hurray! The system works! And, in such dramatic fashion!

As I was to find out much later, the reality was quite different. Two days after I disappeared, my wife called the police. Within an hour of beginning to investigate her complaint, the police were told by an unnamed but impeccably credentialled agent of the federal government that my whereabouts were a matter of national security, and that they must stop their investigation. So, the police did. And, when they told my wife to go about her life and wait for the government to let her know what was happening to me, she did. For months.

There were no mysterious deaths that are too convenient to be mere coincidence. No dramatic if implausible high-speed car chases through heavily populated urban environments. No unexpected last minute courtroom confessions.

Real life can be so disappointing...

SOURCE: Harpo's

[http://harpos.org/archive/2012/02/05/dd-9000005]
more

Keeping Canada Green Has Many Meanings...

The Harper Government of Canada is planning on simplifying and speeding up the regulatory review of oil sands and other projects. The review will consist of the following questionnaire for the company:

yes
oh, yes
oh, hell, yes!

of course not
we wouldn't dream of it
did we mention that the project would make a shitload of money?

If the company answers any of the questions, it passes.

SOURCE: The Smoking Gut

[http://www.thesmokinggut.com/archive/108096382861023470563-7946374864826327230173072840-47341837cahs01.html]
more

Don't Be Silly - There Are No Virgins In Space!

Oh, great. The way the Presidential race is shaping up, it looks like we'll have a choice between somebody who knows what the right thing to do is but can't get it done and somebody who doesn't care what the right thing is and would refuse to do it if anybody told him.

I would consider saving up my pennies for a Virgin private space flight. Unfortunately, at some point I would have to return.

SOURCE: Bill's Bitter Pills

[http://bill.geekgoons.com/]
more

Can You Blame Customers For Being ISPed Off?

Rogers denies that it is throttling customers of its Internet services.

"We do not send ninjas to the homes of people with high Internet usage to choke them until they are unconscious in an effort to keep them from using too much bandwidth," stated President and CEO of Rogers Communications Nadir Mohamed. "That would be illegal, and we don't do anything that our lawyers have told us isn't perfectly legal. On those rare occasions when we ask..."

How does he explain people who inexplicably wake up next to their computers with no memory of how they fell asleep? "Could be drugs," Mohamed mused. "Could be alcohol. Could be a physiological response to flashing pixels. We're an Internet Service Provider – among other things – surely, nobody would expect us to delve into the personal psychological problems of our customers..."

SOURCE: Geekly News & World Report

[http://www.geeklynews.com/geeklynews/issue/120124/geeklynews/01fullthrottle.htm]
more

How Can We Stop Invading Countries Led By Men Named Hussein If The Middle East Won't Stop Putting Them In Power?

Field Marshal Mohamed Hussein Tantawi, the army officer acting as Egypt's de facto head of state, has said that the army would limit its use of extrajudicial arrests and detentions to cases where citizens were "being really naughty." As part of the move to soften the Egyptian government's international image, Tantawi went on to say, interrogations would now be known as "slap and tickle sessions" featuring "enhanced spanking techniques."

Amnesty International rolled its eyes and wondered if it could afford to take early retirement.

SOURCE: Daily Semaphore

[http://www.opinion.semaphore.co.uk/opinion/main.jhtml;sessionid=M5UF23LWOLFFPQFIQMFSM5WAVCBQ0JVC?nextPage=/DUereDE/wXeR.WZvwF?7wF~/DUereDE/s119/Os/14/JD141O.7wF!2qZiiv~/
DUeReDR/s119/Os/14/e7DUeReDR.ZvwF!2iG3gimmygi2Z~vg3i&resize=null&_requestid=20489]
more

If You Want To Improve Conditions In Your Office, Buy Your Boss A Gym Membership

New research suggests that managers who exercise more are less likely to be abusive to employees. Well, obviously. Where would they get the energy?!

SOURCE: Late Tonight with David Lenoman

[http://marketing.ubs.com/latetonight/latetonightshow/monologue]
more

What He Really Meant To Say Was: "You Can't Dust For Vomit."

Responding to the fact that Canadian police services have doubled their use of the long gun registry since the Harper Government of Canada came to power, Justice Minister Rob Nicholson stated that they just wanted to get as much use out of it as they could before it was gone. You know, like customers stocking up on bullets before a firearms ban goes into effect.

Doesn't that suggest that the long gun registry is a valuable resource?

Nicholson looked blank for a couple of seconds, then replied, "Mine goes up to 11."

SOURCE: Ottawa Stunned

[http://www.canoodle.com/NewsStand/OttawaStunned/News/2012/01/22/500267.html]
more

There Was The Time...No, No That Was Just Gas...

Treasury Secretary Timothy Geithner said he was "pretty confident" that President Obama would not ask him to return to the post if Obama was reelected.

In the three years he has worked for the White House, this is probably the first thing he has gotten definitively correct.

SOURCE: Karl's Big Red Web Page of Unreconstructed Marxism

[http://www.bigred.commie/articles/218^.htm]
more

My Favourite Was Shit People Who Haul Garbage For A Living Say To People Who Find Spiritual Bliss Skiing Down Bunny Slopes In Aspen When The Rainbow Is Enuf, But, Uhh, Not Many People Followed That One...

First, there was the Youtube video Shit That Girls Say. When it became popular, it spawned a series of imitators, including Shit That Boys Say, Shit That Popes Say, Shit That Camels Say and, of course, Shit That People Waiting In Line For Lattes At Starbucks Say. This then mutated with the addition of a second person. You may remember Shit That White Girls Say To Black Cats. There was also: Shit Mormons Say To Catholics, Shit Members of the 22nd Airborne Say To Teenage Alcoholics and, of course, Shit Former Members of Famous Sketch Comedy Groups Say To Urban (Wink, Wink) Single Mothers Trying To Get By on Ridiculously Stingy Welfare.

The apotheosis of this memetic mutation process was, of course, Shit People Say To Other People, Who Then Repeat It To Still More People Who Don't Have A Clue Why The Second People Are Telling It To Them But Who Like Them Enough To Listen Politely Anyway. At the point where reading the title of a video takes longer than watching it, you know a meme has run its course!

SOURCE: Geekly News & World Report

[http://www.geeklynews.com/geeklynews/issue/120124/geeklynews/01fullthrottle.htm]
more