The Daily Me - Bui Xeron Nhiep

Thank you, Bui Xeron Nhiep, for signing up for The Daily Me. Our search engine has combed the Internet for up to the minute news items that fit the profile you have so painstakingly filled out for us. Then, we weighted the probability that you would be interested in these articles against forms which showed what people with tastes similar to yours have liked reading in the past. Then, three New Hampshire state legislators proposed a law that would force any future legislation to be in accord with the Magna Carta. Which, is not actually an American founding document, seeing as how it was written in 1215 and all. Not familiar with it? It's the enlightened document that reads, among other things, "If anyone who has borrowed a sum of money from Jews dies before the debt has been repaid, his heir shall pay no interest on the debt for so long as he remains under age." We applaud the nostalgic efforts of the state legislators to turn back the clock, but, frankly, if that is their goal, they haven't aimed high enough. They should really be guided by the Albugensean Declaration of 327. Who wouldn't want American law to conform to such standards as: "And thee herder of fheepe fhall offer up one tenth of hys flocke or two of his dayghters every forth year 2 thee Sovereign 2 keepeth Order?"

Kim Jong-un got his first disappointment as leader of North Korea the other day. That's right. He went to a ceremony where he was named "Supreme Leader," but he thought he was going out for a Burrito Supreme.

SOURCE: Late Tonight with David Lenoman

[http://marketing.ubs.com/latetonight/latetonightshow/monologue]
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Not To Worry - There's Always Texas

Iowa Republican caucus voters were crushed to wake up this morning and find that the least insane of the frontrunning candidates for President won.

"The true right-wing crazy lost by only eight votes," said Rick Santorum supporter Demitri Ftz. "Mitt Romney? The winner? He puts on the crazy when it suits him - why would anybody trust the crazy he brings? Besides, I mean, eight votes. We don't let eight year olds vote! That should tell you all you need to know right there - it was practically a victory!"

"Well, Ron Paul and Rick Santorum split the nutcase vote," said Paul supporter Belinda Spzeck. "If Santorum hadn't been in the race, Ron would have gotten more than 21 per cent of the vote - which is very respectable, by the way. It was practically a victory!"

When asked if Santorum's vote wouldn't have just gone to Michelle Bachmann or Rick Perry if he hadn't been in the race, a crazed look came to Spzeck's eyes. "Ron Paul would have won by a landslide," she darkly said. We…we didn't feel comfortable disagreeing with her.

"A statistical tie," said Romney supporter Adelina Romney. "Looks like Mitt is going to have to step up his lunatic game if he wants to get more than 25 per cent of Republican primary votes. Iowa? Shit - it was practically a loss!"

SOURCE: The Postington Wash

[http://www.postingtonwash.com/wp-dyn/articles/A49881-2012Jan04.html]
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Don't Even Get Me Started On Grisly Car Crash Photos!

Seven 10 Best of 2011 lists we could have really done without:

SOURCE: The Web Page of Lists

[http://www.ListsPage.argh/2012/January/List_To_One_Side.asp]
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Detention Diary: A Spoon Full Of Sodium Pentathol Makes The Rendition Go Down

WEEK TWO

I must be dead, I thought.

I can't be dead, I thought. I'm thinking.

Maybe Descartes was wrong, I thought.

Maybe Descartes loved etchings of scantily clad women cavorting in fields with men with horns! I thought.

That's not constructive, I thought.

I wasn't dead. Before I could advance my philosophical debate any further (I had a clever riposte involving flying monkeys and crates of spam), arms roughly picked me up out of my chair and walked me to the door, down the main corridor of the office, into the elevator, down eleven flights, out the elevator, through the lobby, out the revolving doors (that part was a bit tricky) and into a car waiting on the street. I was scrunched down in the manner that I had seen a million times before on TV: one hand on the head applying pressure, one hand on the shoulder guiding. A door slammed, and I could feel the car accelerate. And I could feel somebody undoing a button on the sleeve of my shirt. And I could feel somebody rolling up my sleeve. And somebody said, "This may pinch a little, but otherwise you should feel no pain."

And then I could feel nothing.

SOURCE: Harpo's

[http://harpos.org/archive/2012/15/dd-9000002]
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NEWSFLASH: In Its Ongoing Efforts To Eliminate Independent Voices, The Harper Government Of Canada Defunds Programme After One Day

The Canadian Office of Religious Freedom has issued its first report, and the main villain is: Canada. According to the report, forcing Muslim women to reveal their faces at citizenship ceremonies was a clear and unjustifiable violation of their religious beliefs.

Foreign Affairs Minister John Baird responded: "Well. This is awkward."

SOURCE: Glob and Maul

[http://www.globandmaul.com/servlet/story/RTGAM.20120102.eladvote0102_@/BNStory/newsOops2012/]
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Not Exactly A Romney To The Groin

Republican Presidential hopeful Mitt Romney's stand-up routine last week lacked a certain something. As the following excerpt indicates, it may have been humour:

"A Komodo dragon, a cane toad and a Newt walk into a bar. As the - this is a joke, mind you. So, they walk into a bar - the Komodo dragon, the cane toad and Newt. I wouldn't want you to mistake this for a criticism of one of my colleagues, because it's just a joke. Jokes aren't meant to be taken seriously. So, the Komodo dragon says - no, wait, the bartender says, 'What'll it be, gents?' The Komodo dragon and the cane toad order alcoholic beverages, but that's not the important part of the joke - remember, this is just a joke. Then, Newt says, 'It'll be $9.99. And, if you buy To Save America right now, I'll be happy to autograph it for you!" He - he's not buying a drink, you see. He's selling one of his books. That - that's the joke.

"Why isn't anybody laughing?"

SOURCE: Titters Comedy Club

[http://www.titters.com/info/TittersClubs/ElginClub/elgNowAppearing.cfm]
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Don't You Just Hate It When People Talk Out Of Both Sides Of Their Ass?

Israel has accused Palestinians of telling the international community that they want to find a two-state solution that will allow them to live in peace with Jews, but telling their own people that they want to destroy the Jewish state. "We cannot negotiate with people whose position changes depending upon their audience," said Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu.

After this announcement, Israeli Ambassador Michael Oren quietly assured the United States that it was still committed to peace talks with Palestinians.

For its part, the US government told the Israeli Ambassador that it was in perfect agreement with all of his country's statements on this issue. Then, it told Americans that it was not in lock step with Israel, that, in fact, the United States had an independent position on Middle East politics.

SOURCE: The Arad Post

[http://www.apost.com/servlet/Satellite?pagename=APost/APArticle/ShowFull&cid=1096801595795]
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