Thank you, Euro VIP Table, for signing up for The Daily Me. Our search engine has combed the Internet for up to the minute news items that fit the profile you have so painstakingly filled out for us. Then, we weighted the probability that you would be interested in these articles against forms which showed what people with tastes similar to yours have liked reading in the past. Then, we saw how many journalists did end of year mea culpa articles, so we thought we would try an end of year usa culpa by looking back over what we had written in the last year and correcting some of the errors that we had made. Unfortunately, the only error we made last year was in deciding to look back over what we had written in the last year and correcting some of the errors that we had made. We regret our error.
Enjoy,Detention Diary: Never Wash Your Dirty Diapers In Public
WEEK ONE
I was in a meeting when the blackness came.
The senior executives were getting together to talk about the Dietrickson Diaper account. Dieter Dietrickson was not happy with the tag line we had come up with: "Dietrickson Diapers will keep your baby's bottom drier than the Sinai!" Partially, he was not comfortable with a reference to what he called "a touchy area of the world." When Mitchelson, the lead on the account, suggested that the desert didn't have to be the Sinai - it could just as easily be the Sahara, or, what the hell, whatever desert you liked - the real reason Dietrickson balked came out: the image of a child's ass all cracked and burned like land in a desert had kept him up for three nights. Several weeks later, he still didn't want to have anything to do with changing the diapers of his own baby, Baby Dieter.
Nobody could answer that, not even Plasterton, the golden child, the up and comer, the righteous pain in the ass. So, it was back to the drawing board for us.
I remember Dietrickson - who never met a terrible pun he didn't love - suggested the tag line "Dietrickson's Diapers will keep your baby's bottom drier than Prohibition!" Mitchelson, that terrible suck up, laughed like it was the second coming of Groucho Marx. Mitchelson, who lacked a sense of humor of his own, probably didn't even know who Groucho Marx was. Plasterton templed his fingers; you could tell he was trying to find the most diplomatic way of telling Dietrickson why the idea wasn't worthy of the legacy of the firm Yossarian Samsa Pilgrim Smith. I tried to hold back a wince and began to calculate what I could say that would cause the least amount of damage to my career at the firm.
Before any of us could speak, there was a commotion at the door of the board room, and I was abruptly thrust into darkness.
SOURCE: Harpo's
[http://harpos.org/archive/2012/08/dd-9000001]
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That, And There Was A Pleading Note To The Nike Insert
Times are bad. You know how I can tell? The Boxing Day flyers that came with my newspaper only weighed two and a half pounds this year.
SOURCE: Late Tonight with David Lenoman
[http://marketing.ubs.com/latetonight/latetonightshow/monologue]
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Washington is agog (literally - I cannot remember the last time its gog was so a) at allegations in the new book Nixon's Darkest Secrets that former Republican President Richard Nixon punched his wife, drank to excess and had a possible gay relationship with his long-time friend and adviser Bebe Rebozo. Apparently, acts such as keeping an enemies list and subverting the Constitution aren't bad enough.
Incredible to think that in 35 years we have gone from All the President's Men to Real Housewives of Washington, DC!
SOURCE: Unread Book News
[http://217.204.43.10/cgi/NGoto/2/64382861?3518]
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He Just Baird Canada's New Soul
SOURCE: No Comment Quotes
[http://thesepeopleareinsane.psy/update.toshtml]
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I Blame Cow Flatulence
Grey Christmas
SOURCE: Poetry, Cornered
[http://www.cibc.com/ca/personal/poetrycorner/587.html]
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So Many Time Jokes, So Little...
After 120 years of time alliance with the United States, the tiny pacific nation of Samoa has decided to skip Friday in order to align its calendar with Asia, New Zealand and Australia.
"I wouldn't place too much importance on this," a State Department official so embarrassed that this was what she had to announce that she asked not to be named, stated. "They probably just wanted to get to the weekend quicker. Samoans - they're party animals!"
SOURCE: CBBS News
[http://www.cbbsnews.com/stories/2011/12/29/foreign/main546375.shtml]
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PUNDIT: The debt crisis...unemployment...banks too big to fail - these issues will have to be dealt with in 2012.
ANCHOR: What if they aren't?
PUNDIT: Then, they will most assuredly have to be dealt with in 2013.
ANCHOR: What if they aren't?
PUNDIT: Then, they will absolutely have to be dealt with in 2014.
ANCHOR: What if they aren't?
PUNDIT: Then, they will positively, without a doubt have to be dealt with in 2015.
ANCHOR: What if they aren't?
PUNDIT: Then, they will double dog dare ya, don't mean to scare ya, pinky swear ya have to be dealt with in 2016.
ANCHOR: What if they aren't?
PUNDIT: Then, I'll be retiring in 2017, and it will be another pundit's problem.
SOURCE: Drew's Transcript-o-rama
[http://www.transcript-o-rama.com/awwpundit.shtml]
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Questions You're Asked On The Street May Not Be Good For Your Health
STREETS SMART: It has been four months since the death of NDP leader Jack Layton. What was his inspiring final message to Canadians?
JAQUISOURCE: The Matrixxx
[http://www.thematrixxxto.com/life/advice/lest-we-remember/]
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Why Can't We All Just Play Curling And Get Along?
As an example of peace on Earth and goodwill towards men, Roman Catholic, Armenian Apostolic and Greek Orthodox Christian monks got into a fight with each other while cleaning the Church of the Nativity in Jerusalem.
Apparently, one of the Armenian monks made a rude joke about Ecumenical Patriarch of Constantinople Bartholomew I and a tub full of parsnips. One of the Armenian monks responded with an even ruder joke involving Karekin II, the current Catholicos of the Armenian Apostolic Church, a convention of Marilyn Monroe impersonators and a weed whacker.
After that, all hell broke loose.
...All hell breaking loose meaning, in this case, that the monks started hitting each other with the brooms they were using to clean the Church floor.
In response to the melee, Pope Benedict XVI issued a bull that read, in part, "Pax nobiscum essa nobo pro buttum." Loosely translated, this means "Kick the ass of the southern heretics!" Very loosely translated.
SOURCE: Unicycle
[http://www.unicycle.com/new.php?p=articles&id=517&but=allis1]
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And, Although It Wasn't Widely Known, He Did Consulting Work On The Opening Sequence Of 2001: A Space Odyssey
Beloved ape actor Cheetah has died of kidney failure at the age of 80. Cheetah was best known for his role as Cheetah in such films as Tarzan the Ape Man and Tarzan and His Mate.
But, Cheetah was much more accomplished than his public profile would suggest. As his movie career waned, he developed a second career performing one monkey plays and Shakespeare in the Zoo. Of Cheetah's portrayal of King Lear, New York Times theatre critic Frank Rich wrote: "Could anything more poignantly portray Lear's descent into madness than half an hour of throwing feces around the stage? I think not. This may be the definitive Lear."
Although passed by for the part of Dr. Zaius in the original film Planet of the Apes, Cheetah did have a bit part as a wizened old ape in the reboot of the series.
SOURCE: Obits 'R Us
[http://www.king.ids.net/~bdlm/obits_r_us.html]
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