Thank you, Zenetra Noy, for signing up for The Daily Me. Our search engine has combed the Internet for up to the minute news items that fit the profile you have so painstakingly filled out for us. Then, we weighted the probability that you would be interested in these articles against forms which showed what people with tastes similar to yours have liked reading in the past. Then, we found the true meaning of Christmas in the Air Jordan 11 Retro Concord running shoe. Could it have been the shoe's smooth lines? Could it have been the shoe's tenuous connection to a basketball legend? Could it have been the fact that people were willing to break through glass doors, hit cops and shoot at each other to get a pair? We're going to say that the meaning of Christmas can be found in the shoe's design, although, if we were just a bit more honest, we would admit that it really lies in our propensity to engage in acts of senseless violence in order to get our hands on over-priced consumer goods. We're sure Santa will forgive us for the fib.
Enjoy,Cotler By Surprise
MP Irwin Cotler has denied he would be resigning his seat after a clam attached itself to his nose, forcing doctors to remove most of his left nostril. "I - it's true that I did have clams at a small Tex-Mex sushi barrette," Cotler stated, "but I assure everybody that I did so with no damage whatsoever to my nose. How do these things get started?"
We can't say how these things generally get started, but we can say that this particular thing started with a series of calls made to voters in Cotler's district by a polling firm on behalf of the Conservative Party of Canada. "This is a free speech issue," Government House Leader Peter Van Loan argued. "If Conservatives can't use a fake story about a clam to imply that a Liberal member of Parliament is not sufficiently protective of the interests of the State of Israel, what is the point of protections of freedom of expression?"
Cotler, when told of Van Loan's defense of the calls, responded, "WHAT?"
SOURCE: The Irrational
[http://www.mc.ca/stories/2011/12/23/beencotlerstealing111223]
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Optimism? Markets Up On Pre-holiday Beer Buzz, More Like
SOURCE: Billy-Bob's International House O' Headlines
[http://www.com/lol.pdqfc.wwygw.wyswyg/fid=1399523576]
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But, It Sure Beats The Gingrich Trajectory (Which, Contrary To Popular Belief, Is Not A Robert Ludlum Novel)
Mitt flop sweat: the sinking feeling that your act will never receive appreciation from more than 25% of the audience, and the desperate measures you will take to try to avoid this feeling, which tend to make things worse.
SOURCE: Michelle's Obscure Pedantry Page
[http://www.MichellesOPP.ca/blogger.html]
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That's The New Force: Proudly Covering Up Scandals For Over Fifty Years
Do you always know just the wrong thing to say, and proceed to say it at the worst possible time? When you are confronted with a crisis, do you invariably find a way to make it worse? Are you willing to lie to your superiors to cover up your misbehaviour and throw weight around that you don't have in order to shut your critics up?
Then, you could have a great career ahead of you in the RCMP!
This has been a message from the Harper Government of Canada.
SOURCE: Ad Meek
[http://www.admeek.com/A&W/national/article_display.jsp?nuvu_content_id=1048252174]
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How About A Musical Version Of Much Ado About Nothing Set In Iraq During The American-led Invasion?
Yael Eisele, Creative Director of Broadway's Al Hirschfeld Theatre, has announced that it will not be mounting any productions in the 2012 season. "We could put on something based on an old movie," Eisele explained. "Or, we could put on something patched together from an old rock music act. Or, we could revive something that wasn't especially relevant when it was first written and staged. But, instead of any of that, we decided not to stage anything at all. We have our pride."
"Good," said an owner of the Minskoff Theatre who asked not to be named. "That means more bums in our seats!"
SOURCE: Entertainment Right Now
[http://www.entertainmentrightnow.com/mini/smug2011/2011/12/30/histheatreisanexampleofnegativespace/]
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Blame It On Rideau
In an audit of his expenditures, Greg Davis, the Republican mayor of Southaven, Mississippi, was caught spending money at a Toronto store called Priape, which advertises itself as "Canada's premiere gay lifestyle store and sex shop."
"Those Canadians, man," Davis said in his defense, "They...they seduced me with their exotic foreign ways!" When asked why he charged it to his expense account instead of, you know, paying for whatever he bought himself, Davis added: "What happens in Toronto stays in Toronto...right?"
Once the laughter had subsided, female impersonator Gabby de la Frenestac-Larue asked, "Another family values advocate is exposed as a hypocritical gay man? Is it Tuesday already?"
SOURCE: USA Whenever
[http://www.usawhenever.com/news/newyork/2011-12-21-sex-and-the-other-city_x.htm]
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Then, He Shook His Fist At Iran And Shouted, "You Damn Mullahs Get Off My Lawn!"
SOURCE: No Comment Quotes
[http://thesepeopleareinsane.psy/update.toshtml]
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And, It Will Still Take Six Weeks For Canadian Goose Down Wheat To Get Across The Border
One of the provisions of the border agreement between Canada and the United States will allow police officers to have jurisdiction in both countries. Prime Minister Stephen Harper rushed to assure Canadians that this would not in any way undermine Canadian sovereignty.
"It will be just like Due South," Harper stated. "Only, instead of a Canadian police officer going to the US, American police officers will come to Canada. And, instead of acting like Raymond Vecchio, they'll be more like Vic Mackie. But, uhh, you gotta love Paul Gross, don't you?"
When asked if Canadian police would be allowed to operate in the US, Harper answered, "Of course. The agreement is reciprocal." Then, American President Barack Obama slowly turned his head to the camera and shook it.
SOURCE: Canada: Still A Country?
[http://www.irritationnation.ca/whattolookat.asp?ID=206422574-3/]
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Membership Has Its Privileges - Care To Help Bail Out Italy?
After a record 18 years of trying, Russia has finally been accepted as a member of the World Trade Organization.
"This couldn't have happened in the 1990s, when Clinton was President and the world economy was booming?" joked Moscow's Lead Negotiator Maxim Medvedkov. "No, seriously: NOW you will allow us to be in the WTO? Hasn't Russia suffered enough?"
SOURCE: Wall Street Infernal
[http://online.wsi.com/article/0,,SB118613157491199404,00.html?mod=home_whats_new_which_u]
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