Thank you, Les Goom, for signing up for The Daily Me. Our search engine has combed the Internet for up to the minute news items that fit the profile you have so painstakingly filled out for us. Then, we weighted the probability that you would be interested in these articles against forms which showed what people with tastes similar to yours have liked reading in the past. Then, Buddy and Pedro, the romantically linked male penguins in a Toronto zoo, started fighting with each other. Seems buddy was forced to mate with Farai, a female, which turned Pedro into a female flipper chaser. Then, they started to argue over who would get to keep the Liza Minelli mixed tape. Anti-gay activists shouldn't take this as the Spheniscidae equivalent of, "Well, of course I experimented when I was younger, but now that I'm older, I'm ready to settle down in a properly god-sanctioned union." After all, when scientists study animals to learn about human behaviour, penguins aren't usually the ones on the dissecting table.
Enjoy,But, A Bitch In Modest Clothing (Wouldn't Want To Distract The Speaker)
The Conservative government has ruled that women who wear low cut shirts and short skirts to swearing-in ceremonies will not be granted Canadian citizenship. "The clothing shows that sluts are not taking their citizenship duties seriously," Prime Minister Stephen Harper stated. "And, as if that isn't bad enough, slutty clothing can disrupt proceedings by distracting the presiding judge!"
Critics of the move say that it will interfere with sluts' freedom to choose their clothing. "Do they really have a choice, though?" mused Immigration Minister Jason Kenney. "I would argue that pressure from their community has effectively left them without a true choice of clothing. As far as I'm concerned, forcing slutty women not to wear their normal garb is a matter of deep principle that goes to the heart of our values of openness and equality."
Critics of the move pointed out that there have been only three reported incidences of low cut clothing at citizenship ceremonies, with no ill consequences. They argue that the move to limit slut clothing at official events is really a thinly disguised bone to the ruling party's sexually repressed Conservative base.
To which Prime Minister Harper responded: "Majority government's a bitch, isn't it?"
SOURCE: The Irrational
[http://www.mc.ca/stories/2011/12/13/slutcutsuckbutt111213]
more
Merry Christmas! (Check Local Listings For A Time In Your Area)
8pm ABC A Muppet Family Christmas.
8pm CBS A Chipmunk Christmas.
8pm NBC The Grinch Who Stole Christmas.
8:30 CBS A Flintstone Christmas.
8:30pm NBC A Charlie Brown Christmas.
9pm ABC A Christmas Carol (1938).
9pm CBS A Christmas Carol (1971).
9pm NBC A Christmas Carol (2009).
10pm. Fox The O'Reilly Factor. Featuring a special report: The War on Christmas Goes Into Overdrive!
SOURCE: Ukrainian TV Guide
[http://www.tvguide.ua/listings/index.asp?referrerID=0&returnurl=%2Flistings%2Findex%2Easp%3F®Mode=0]
more
The TTC Should Erect A Plaque - Think Of The Tourism Possibilities!
On Monday, a video was made public of a couple having sex on the subway platform at Spadina station. On Tuesday, ridership on the TTC shot up by over 10,000 fares.
SOURCE: The Matrixxx
[http://www.thematrixxxto.com/news/city/the-better-way...to-have-children/]
more
It Was Just Like Addressing Parliament, Then
Prime Minister Stephen Harper accused critics of the oil sands of being misinformed. "We will continue to work hard to get the real information out there," he said. "By which I mean, of course, Harper government of Canada approved factoids."
Unfortunately, he was speaking to a group of children staying at the Ronald McDonald House. Most of them just stared at him blankly in response. A couple cried.
SOURCE: Ottawa Stunned
[http://www.canoodle.com/NewsStand/OttawaStunned/News/2011/12/16/509727.html]
more
New Lowe's In Advertising
Hardware chain Lowe's has been getting a lot of flak for pulling its advertising from the reality TV series All-American Muslim after complaints from the Florida Family Association that the series was imbalanced because it didn't portray Muslims as terrorists. Muslims going shopping and having fights over their boyfriends - how subversive!
Setting aside the issue of who really is imbalanced here, Lowe's should have stated that it pulled its advertising because the show was boring. Nobody could have argued with that, although it would, I suppose, have made a very different political statement.
SOURCE: Bill's Bitter Pills
[http://bill.geekgoons.com/]
more
The Air Was Gingrich With Irony...
Republican Presidential hopeful Newt Gingrich has taken a pledge to "defend and strengthen the family." There is no word on what his wife thinks about this. You know, the third one? The one he was having an affair with while his second wife was in the hospital?
The Absurd Ironyometer has pledged to remain a bachelor for the rest of its life. Now, it just has to figure out a way to break the news to its spouse...
SOURCE: Big Alex' Domesday Countdown Page
[http://www.allaboutalex.wha/Domesday/new]
more
Is It Better To Be Feared For The Power Of Your Love, Or Loved For Your Ability To Induce Fear?
The Harper government of Canada has pulled out of the Kyoto Accord, arguing that it is hypocritical to claim support for targets reducing greenhouse gases that you have no intention of reaching. So, instead of being seen as hypocrites on the international stage, the Harper government of Canada would like us to be seen as bastards.
This is progress?
SOURCE: This 22 Minutes Feels Like An Hour
[http://www.mothercorp.ca/hour22minutes/]
more
As Long As Somebody's Laughing...
Iconoclast, author, Iraq War supporter, atheist and famous bald person Christopher Hitchens has died at the age of 68 of cancer. As always, god has had the last laugh.
Ruthless dictator, gleeful Axis of Evil member, nuclear bomb envier and famous midget Kim Jong-Il has died of heart failure at the age of 69. As always, history will have the last laugh.
Czech dissident, the original velvet revolutionary, Czech President and, oh yeah, pretty darned good playwright Vaclav Havel has died at the age of 75. As always, art gets the last laugh.
SOURCE: Obits 'R Us
[http://www.king.ids.net/~bdlm/obits_r_us.html]
more
Harsh Finger Wagging Is Also On The Table
After two days of settler violence that shocked much of Israel, including an attack on an army base, Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu vowed to crack down on the country's own extremists.
"'Naughty, naughty extremists!' we will say," Netanyahu explained. "If that doesn't work, we will have to try sterner measures - we'll add more naughtys!"
SOURCE: The Arad Post
[http://www.apost.com/servlet/Satellite?pagename=APost/APArticle/ShowFull&cid=1258051574325]
more
Putting The "Eww!" Back In Confusion
At least three lesbians in New Zealand got pregnant with sperm from an American named Bill Johnson. How does this square with Johnson's 2009 candidacy for governor of Alabama, where the conservative Christian used anti-gay marriage rhetoric in his campaign?
"I just felt the need to give a little back to a community that had done so much for me in my political career," Johnson explained.
SOURCE: Deadline News Network
[http://www.dnn.com/2011/ALLPOLITICS/11/28/reps.main/index.html]
more