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Enjoy,Questionable Period
NYCOLE TURMEL (NDP): Is it true that government ministers are given pre-written answers to things they might be asked during Question Period?
JOE OLIVER, MINISTER OF NATURAL RESOURCES (CONSERVATIVE): The Keystone XL Pipeline is the most ethical oil in the world. And, when I talk about ethical oil, I really mean that it will create thousands of new jobs for Canada. What could be more ethical than that?
TURMEL: That's not what I asked.
OLIVER: Asked and answered.
TURMEL: No. I asked if you had been given pre-written answers to questions.
OLIVER: (shuffles papers) You're clearly a traitor if you oppose the Keystone XL Pipeline. Why do you hate Canada so much? (shuffles papers) I mean, dirty Arabs! You don't want their stinky, smelly oil! (shuffles papers) I mean...I mean...I mean, I call closure on debate!
TURMEL: Mister Speaker, I object!
SPEAKER ANDREW SCHEER: Sorry, but closure has been called.
TURMEL: But, you can't call closure during Question Period!
SCHEER: Why don't we all go for an early lunch and think about this?
TURMEL: Aaaargh!
SOURCE: Drew's Transcript-o-rama
[http://www.transcript-o-rama.com/controlfreakout.shtml]
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In His Will, Russell Did Ask That The Funeral Be Restrained...
Film director Ken Russell has died at the age of 84. At his funeral, his casket will be painted day-glo colours and a troupe of midgets, naked supermodels and accountants in G-strings and bowler hats will dance as Roger Daltry sings excerpts from the rock opera Tommy.
SOURCE: Obits 'R Us
[http://www.king.ids.net/~bdlm/obits_r_us.html]
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Shopping Is Hell
The war on Christmas shoppers erupted again with 37 dead and 109 wounded in separate skirmishes on a variety of fronts across the country on Black Friday.
"I...I just wanted a three foot tall wind-up Dora the Explorer doll with realistic fake hair that said 17 different exotic phrases," Christmas shopper Miranda Klotzmann said from the hospital bed where she was recovering from two broken legs and a partial splenectomy. "If I had known what conditions on the ground were, I would have come more heavily weaponized."
President Obama praised the efforts of holiday shoppers. "It's the sacrifices made by the brave men and women fighting in the trenches of the big box stores and endless malls that allow corporate profits that make America safe," he stated in front of the Tomb of the Unknown Shopper. "My heartfelt condolences go out to those who lost a loved one in the latest skirmishes. But, know that, as long as our CEOs are being paid outrageous sums of money, those lives will not have been given in vain."
SOURCE: The Podunk Mash & Enquirer
[http://www.podunkmash.com/wp-dyn/articles/A49882-2011Nov26.html]
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EMI Don't Think So!
Just in time for the holidays, EMI has released Dark Side of the Moon: The Underbox. Each unit contains a used pair of underwear worn by David Gilmour or Nick Mason. "While on tour, we used to wear three or four pairs of underwear a set," Gilmour explains in the liner notes, "so there's plenty to go around."
Dark Side of the Moon: The Underbox is the perfect gift for Pink Floyd fans and ass fetishists everywhere.
SOURCE: LotsMusic
[http://www.lotsmusic.com/news/?thedate=11/22/2011#329845546]
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To Conduct A Proper Witch Hunt, You Need The People Behind You (Preferably With Pitchforks And Torches)
According to Conservative MP Brent Rathgeber, the people of his Edmonton-St. Albert riding want to know how much money Peter Mansbridge is paid to host CBC's The National. What do the people of his riding say?
"Peter Who?" asked full body manicurist Medusa Cain. "Look, I wanna know how far the Oilers are going to go this year. Can Brent tell me that?"
"I've been kind of wondering lately whether I will be able to retire 30 years from now," added oil and vinegar patch worker Po Derek.
"Yeah, sure, I'm concerned about how the CBC spends tax dollars," chimed in stay at home someday dad to be Childers Oregano. "But, I'm much more concerned about how many of my tax dollars are going to military spending. It's not like I was consulted on the whole 'lets make Canada a more military nation' thing, was it? Because, I would have told them -"
"Okay, I think you see my point," Rathgeber interrupted, which was quite the feat considering the interviews had been conducted separately. "Canadians are outraged by spending at the CBC. They're just...quiet about it. They don't want to make a big fuss. They're understated. As Canadians can sometimes be..."
SOURCE: Glob and Maul
[http://www.globandmaul.com/servlet/story/RTGAM.20111128.eladvote0102_@/BNStory/newsCBCeenButNotHeard2011/]
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We All Defend The Family In Our Own Special Ways...
Why did Herman Cain go on television to deny that he had had a 13 year affair with Ginger White after Lin Wood, his lawyer, stated that he wasn't going to comment on the allegation?
"I did not know what my lawyer said," Cain stated, "and until I see and hear exactly what's going to be, what advice is going to be made, let's move on."
When apprised of what Cain had said, Wood responded: "My client has no obligation to discuss what I may or may not have advised him on national television with the media."
SOURCE: Deadline News Network
[http://www.dnn.com/2011/ALLPOLITICS/11/28/reps.main/index.html]
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Artemis and Armina are typical Canadians who leave their teenaged children at home to go out for an evening of bowling karaoke. They clearly are not aware that, while they are out, their children will rifle through their drug cabinets for uppers, downers, slowers, quickeners, fatties, thinners and anything else the little addicts can get their grubby little paws on. Really! The numbers don't lie! Studies that nobody has ever heard of but the government clearly show that 20 per cent of the 15 per cent of teens between the ages of 12 and 14 and a half who responded to the study said they mixed alcohol with drugs 107 per cent of the time! And, then what are they doing? Remember what you did when you were their age? Well, not only are they doing that, but keep in mind that they've got YouTube!
Your children - fear them.
A message from the Harper Government of Canada.
SOURCE: Ad Meek
[http://www.admeek.com/A&W/national/article_display.jsp?nuvu_content_id=1067150404]
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