Thank you, Kalantarian, Enayatallah, for signing up for The Daily Me. Our search engine has combed the Internet for up to the minute news items that fit the profile you have so painstakingly filled out for us. Then, we weighted the probability that you would be interested in these articles against forms which showed what people with tastes similar to yours have liked reading in the past. Then, before we even knew what was happening, it was Black Friday. Black Friday! The day when Americans give thanks for a couple of dollars off cheap crap we wouldn't otherwise have the slightest interest in buying! Black Friday! The day we put our bodies on the line to be the first to buy garbage that we will disgustedly try to return the following Blue Monday (and good luck with that)! Black Friday! The day...the, umm, day...
Why are we celebrating this day, again?
Enjoy,You Said Weiwei - SNERK!
First, Aliaa Magda Elmahdy posted a nude picture of herself on Twitter as a protest against the repression of women in Egypt. Then, dozens of Chinese activists posted nude photographs of themselves online to show support for dissident artist Ai Weiwei, who is reportedly under investigation for creating pornography because he posed nude with four naked women.
That's not right.
Activists are polluting the purity of my porn with their politics. When I surf the Internet for pictures of naked women, the last thing I want to come across is commentary about the injustices of the world. When I view clashes on the Web, I want them to be of body parts, not ideologies! So, please, post an angry message to a blog, get your head busted at a rally, light yourself on fire if you think that will make your life better, but, whatever you do, don't mess up my porn with your politics. That's just not good for anyone.
Philippe from Frontenac
SOURCE: Allo, Frenchie!
[http://www.quebecbore.qu/allofrenchie/index.php]
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Torontonians May Be Unclear On The Concept Of Civil Disobedience, But They Are So Adorable!
Q: How do you get Occupy Protestors to peacefully leave St. James Park?
A: Ask them, "Would you please peacefully leave St. James Park?"
SOURCE: The Matrixxx
[http://www.thematrixxxto.com/news/city/protests-end-is-awesome/]
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As Disgusting As The Mental Image Is, We Need Eyes On The Ground, STAT!
PUBLIC STATEMENT: "Syria has agreed in principle to the Arab League proposal [for observers] and we are still studying the details."
TRANSLATION FROM POLITICALESE TO ENGLISH: We will allow outside observers into the country just as soon as we have killed or imprisoned - but, let's be honest, we'd prefer to kill them - anybody who opposes our regime. Please have patience - quelling a domestic insurgency takes time!
SOURCE: Politics For Dummies
[http://www.politicsfordummies.com/home.asp?did=738&dir=bb]
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At Least He Doesn't Toe The Potty Line...
New Democratic Party MP Pat Martin caused an uproar by commenting on Twitter, "This is a[n intercoursing] disgrace...closure again. And, on the Budget! There's not a democracy in the world that would tolerate this jackboot [excrement]." Of course, the uproar had nothing to do with the Conservative government using its majority to stifle debate and everything to do with the language Martin used to express his frustration with their actions.
"It's potty mouths like him that were the reason we limited debate in the first place!" Prime Minister Stephen Harper smugged for the cameras.
SOURCE: The Irrational
[http://www.mc.ca/stories/2011/11/23/martinissmartin111123]
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Okay. This is rich. A minor league baseball team in London, Ontario has named itself the Rippers. And, and, and the logo features a dark image of a man in a top hat whose face is largely obscured by a scarf. And, oh, the uproar! I could hear it from my studio! Naturally, people assume the image is of Jack the Ripper. Just because the city is London. And, the team is named The Rippers. But, honestly, it could be anybody! For instance...Peter O'Toole in The Ruling Class. Umm...okay, bad example. Dick Cheney. It could be Dick...no, let's not go with him, either. Err... my uncle Spiro. Except for the fact that he's missing his upper lip. Okay, okay, okay, umm, look. Who cares if the team mascot is Jack the Ripper? Jack the Ripper killed prostitutes! It's not like he killed anybody, you know, who mattered!
SOURCE: Rush Limburger Home Page
[http://www.rushlimburger.com/home/daily/site_062904/content/truth_distorter.hostile_enemy.html]
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You Could Say He Was The Mastro Of His Own Domain
The access-to-information and ethics committee of Parliament has returned sealed documents to the Canadian Broadcasting System after the CBC eased up on its objections to the committee reading the sensitive material after the Federal Court of Appeal ruled that the information watchdog should have access to the files except for records containing information about the CBC's journalistic sources.
Phew. I'm amazed I got out of that sentence alive!
"What's the point?" Tory MP Dean Del Mastro - the Mastro mind behind the committee's effort to review the sealed material - commented. "If the CBC isn't fighting tooth and nail to keep the information secret, reading it is no fun!"
SOURCE: Ottawa Stunned
[http://www.canoodle.com/NewsStand/OttawaStunned/News/2011/11/29/568727.html]
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As The Famous Filosopher Truly Said: "Democracy Is Messy."
Excerpt from the Canadian Charter of Rights and Freedoms:
2. Everyone has the following fundamental freedoms:SOURCE: The Smoking Gut
[http://www.thesmokinggut.com/archive/108096382861023470563-7946374864826327230173072840-4734183cahs01.html]
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Commie Bastard Voices!
Canadian Justice Minister Rob Nicholson has made a spirited defense of the We Don't Have Enough Children in Our Maximum Security Prisons So Let Us Do What We Can To Increase Their Numbers Act.
"You know how, when a child is acting up, you send him to his room without his dinner?" Nicholson told Stunned TV anchor Michael Boren. "Well, that's just solitary confinement with a Spiderman bedspread, isn't it? And, what about school? School is just jail with more structure and, arguably, less practical skill learning."
"Honestly," Nicholson summed up, "our children are better off in prison!"
Some voices said that the government would be making more lifelong criminals out of youngsters who should be rehabilitated instead. Fortunately, we learned to stop listening to those voices a long time ago.
SOURCE: StunnedTV
[http://www.stunnednewsnetwork.ca/shows/the-children-versus-the-lions.html]
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