Thank you, Steve Skullmaster, for signing up for The Daily Me. Our search engine has combed the Internet for up to the minute news items that fit the profile you have so painstakingly filled out for us. Then, we weighted the probability that you would be interested in these articles against forms which showed what people with tastes similar to yours have liked reading in the past. Then, we heard that scientists from McMaster University and the University of Tubingen had reconstructed the genetic code of the microbe that caused the Black Death. You remember the Black Death, right? The merry romp that killed 25 million people - almost half the population of Europe - between 1347 and 1351? Right. THAT Black Death. What could possibly go wrong?
We're supplying everybody on our staff with gas masks, just in case.
Enjoy,Science Fiction LOLCats: Beyond The Infinite...With A Ball Of String!
SOURCE: Les Pages aux Folles
[http://www.lespagesauxfolles.ca]
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The Nuclear Exchange Would Start A Couple Of Hours Later
President Rick Perry, in tough negotiations with Chinese President Hu Yu-Kitang, demanded three concessions in order to keep the peace between their two nations. Unfortunately, after naming two (ending the persecution of Tibet and no longer manipulating the value of its currency), Perry froze and couldn't name the third.
"And, finally, the, er, what's the third one there? It's on the tip of my tongue, I - no, sorry. I got nothing."
Twenty minutes later, Perry remembered: "Oh, yeah," he said, "we gotta start nuclear arms limitations talks immediately!" But, by then, the Chinese delegation had left the room and were halfway to the airport.
SOURCE: Alternate Reality News Service
[http://www.arns.com/sinbin?id=32473641388641394657fx]
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The NRA Is Trouble, Even When It Isn't THAT NRA
Conservative pundits have accused people who repeat allegations that Republican Presidential hopeful Herman Cain sexually harassed women when he was head of the National Restaurant Association of engaging in a "high tech lynching." Funny how times change. A hundred years ago, these same critics would have been the people supplying the low tech rope.
SOURCE: Karl's Big Red Web Page of Unreconstructed Marxism
[http://www.bigred.commie/articles/218^.htm]
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Truth Or Consequenceless
The Conservative Party of Canada has plead guilty to charges that it spent more than legally allowed during the 2006 election that first brought Prime Minister Stephen Harper to power.
"Yeah, well, suck it," Harper said when asked about the plea, which resulted in a $52,000 fine. "I'm in charge, now. Waddya gonna do? I suggest you fuggedaboutit and move on. Fuggedeaboutit and move on - that would be my advice."
SOURCE: Glob and Maul
[http://www.globandmaul.com/servlet/story/RTGAM.20111109.eladvote1109_@/BNStory/newsDontHarperOnIt2011/]
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Don't Dream It's Over...Unless...
THE AMERICAN DREAM THEN: If you work hard, you will make enough money at the job you have for life to live a comfortable retirement and leave your children better off than you were when you were young and first starting out.
THE AMERICAN DREAM NOW: If you work hard, you will be in tremendous debt after a series of part-time and/or temporary jobs that will leave you with an uncertain retirement and ensure that your children will be worse off than you were when you were young and first starting out.
SOURCE: Economics For Dummies
[http://www.politicsfordummies.com/entertainmentfordummies/economicsfordummies/home.asp?did=536&dir=bb]
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The Ethics Committee Committed Mass Suicide Before It Began
On the 15th anniversary of its founding, Rupert Murdoch has revealed that Fox News has been a long-term social experiment. "Our thesis was that if we fed people a steady diet of misinformation and nonsense," Murdoch explained, "they would become increasingly stupid. I believe the results speak for themselves."
The findings of the study will be published in The Journal of Political Psychosis B next month.
Now that the experiment has come to an end, what will be the future of Fox News? "Oh, I wouldn't worry about it," Murdoch stated. "It's become too profitable for me to shut down!"
SOURCE: Ukrainian TV Guide
[http://www.tvguide.ua/listings/index.asp?referrerID=0&returnurl=%2Flistings%2Findex%2Easp%3F®Mode=0]
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Update With Desk Duty
For the third year in a row, Finance Minister Jim Flaherty has announced the government's official fiscal update away from Parliament. For the first time, it was at a Green Day concert.
"This will affect kids' futures," Flaherty explained, "so where better break the news to them?" Then, he waved a lighter at the stage and shouted, "Play 'Jesus of Suburbia!'"
NDP and Liberal critics of the government said that going against tradition and making the announcement away from Parliament was a way of avoiding scrutiny. According to NDP finance critic Peter Julian, "It distracts from Parliamentary scrutiny of the government's fiscal pla - OH! Did Billie Joe Armstrong really say what it sounded like he just said?"
SOURCE: The Irrational
[http://www.mc.ca/stories/2011/11/03/canadianscanbeidiotstooyouknow11103]
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Have You Ever Noticed That All The White Collar Criminals In Movies Are, You Know, White?
Breaking the BankWhen their bank goes into chapter 11, freezing everything they own, four black men decide to get revenge. So, they hire a white man with a shady record to teach them how to manipulate computer records in order to steal $650 million from the bigger bank that sold the toxic securities to their bank that caused it to fail, then bought its assets at fire sale prices.
SOURCE: Imaginary Movie Database
[http://www.imd.com/title/tt0168814/]
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It Takes Just A Few Rotten Apples To Spoil War For The Rest Of Us
On September 11, we celebrate the bravery of our men and women in uniform.
Brave men and women like Lieutenant William Calley, who took part in the rape, beating and ultimate massacre of 347 civilians, mostly women and children, in the village of My Lai during the Vietnam War.
Exactl - no! What? No, obviously, he and the other participants in the massacre are not the soldiers we celebrate on September 11.
Oh. Okay. I suppose you were thinking more of brave men like Charles Graner and courageous women like Lynndie England, who used intimidation and torture on prisoners at the Abu Ghraib prison, most of whom were never tried for any crime, during the Iraq War.
Yeah, that's more like - WHAT? NO! NO, those aren't the brave men and women in uniform whose service we celebrate. What's wrong with you? Don't you understand the meaning of the word "bravery?"
Bravery. Right. Like Staff Sergeant Calvin Gibbs, who was convicted of urging his underlings to slaughter three Afghan civilians for sport, and who cut the fingers off corpses and yanked victims teeth to have as trophies during the War in Afghanistan.
Now you're just being obtuse.
Hey! We all celebrate September 11 in our own way.
SOURCE: Les Pages aux Folles
[http://www.lespagesauxfolles.ca]
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