Thank you, Chariot Shu, for signing up for The Daily Me. Our search engine has combed the Internet for up to the minute news items that fit the profile you have so painstakingly filled out for us. Then, we weighted the probability that you would be interested in these articles against forms which showed what people with tastes similar to yours have liked reading in the past. Then, we had a moment of clarity about 9/11. An international tragedy was used by cynical and paranoid politicians to instill in their people a sense of perpetual fear so that they could impose draconian laws curtailing freedom at home and go on costly and ultimately futile military adventures abroad.
Fortunately, we watched ten minutes of commemorative coverage on Fox News and were hypnotized once again into believing in the consensus reality view that government actions after 9/11 made the United States safer and stronger. It's probably just as well: it wouldn't have been safe for us to go out in public otherwise.
Enjoy,Stop Him Before He Edits Again!
George Lucas has announced that he is hard at work editing the first Star Wars trilogy. The latest plan? Turn it into a musical.
Using the latest digital effects, Lucas will change the mouths of characters in order to redub much of the dialogue. This will allow him to have Princess Leia sing the romantic ballad "He Puts My Heart In Overdrive" and Jabba the Hutt sing "The Gluttony Mambo." Not together, of course. At least, we hope not together, but, at this point, we wouldn't put anything past Lucas.
We have also been told to expect chorus lines of Stormtroopers in tuxedoes and Wookiees forming an inhuman pyramid during the battle scene on the Death Star.
"I know it sounds dreadful," wrote film critic Roger Ebert, "but, it can't be much worse than the emo Star Wars that featured six hours of characters staring longingly at each other - Twilight has so much to answer for!"
SOURCE: Entertainment Right Now
[http://www.entertainmentrightnow.com/mini/smug2011/2011/09/05/directormakingalucasofhimself/]
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Rubio, Oh Rubio, Wherefore Art Thou Rubio?
Taken on their own, neither of Florida Governor Marco Rubio's statements about Medicare are crazy - one is heartwarming, the other is harsh. One is sweet, the other is an ideological dog whistle for his most extreme followers. One is a little bit country, the other is a little bit rock and roll. But, neither one is crazy.
Assuming that nobody would ever point out the contradiction between the two positions, on the other hand, well, that's just nuts.
SOURCE: Karl's Big Red Web Page of Unreconstructed Marxism
[http://www.bigred.commie/articles/218^.htm]
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No, No - Not B'oh! D'oh! D'OH!
The Better Business Bureau is closing four of its 14 remaining offices in Canada. While representatives of the organization say it will be able to maintain service throughout the country, critics say Canadian service will be reduced in order to profit executives of the American parent company.
It's good to know that if people have a problem with the newly configured organization, they can always complain to the Better Business B - oh.
SOURCE: The Financial Riposte
[http://www.canada.com/national/nationalwhippingpost/financialriposte/story.html?id=lot49cd7-f6f3-8f8f-9f25-a2db4cc6a308]
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They Had A Slight Detour In Quebec
After much agonizing, leaders of the New Democratic Party have decided to merge with the Liberal Party.
Interim Liberal leader Bob Rae grinned and responded, "What took you so long?"
SOURCE: Ottawa Stunned
[http://www.canoodle.com/NewsStand/OttawaStunned/News/2014/09/22/516225.html]
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Pretty Much The Same As Every Week, Then
This Week in Fashion
Women with impossibly long legs that you don't have and unhealthily skinny bodies that you wouldn't want wear clothes you couldn't ever hope to afford and wouldn't wear even if you did because you don't have the confidence to pull them off.
SOURCE: Fashion Crimes TV
[http://www.fctv.com/home/default.asp]
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The Name Should Give You A Clue As To The New Group's Priorities. I'm Just Saying...
Some Jews are upset that the Canadian Jewish Congress, the Canada-Israel Committee, the University Outreach Committee and the Quebec-Israel Committee are being absorbed by an organization called the Centre for Israel and Jewish Affairs. Well, I, for one, couldn't be happier.
Now, instead of fighting against four conservative groups that claim to represent my interests even though I don't agree with any of their publicly stated positions, now I will only have to fight against one conservative group that claims to represent my interests even though I don't agree with any of its publicly stated positions. It's progress.
SOURCE: Les Pages aux Folles
[http://www.lespagesauxfolles.ca]
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Registrar Wars
Unelected Toronto Mayor Doug Ford has defended closed door meetings on the subject of developing the waterfront at which several developers are believed to have been present.
"We didn't have to report the meetings to the Lobbying Registrar because the developers weren't lobbying us," Ford explained. "We had already told them that we were going to give them everything they could have possibly hoped for - and, more. Lobbying at this point would just have been showing off."
SOURCE: The Matrixxx
[http://www.thematrixxxto.com/city/crazy/the-gang-that-couldn't-lobby-straight/]
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Guns Don't Kill People - Street Slang Kills People
INT. ALPHONSE'S CRIB - NIGHT
GASTON sits on a couch, playing on his Xbox. After a couple of seconds, ALPHONSE enters the room and stands behind him, looking like he's about to throw up.
ALPHONSE: I...I think I'm sick.
GASTON: Mos def, bro.
ALPHONSE: No, I mean, really sick.
GASTON: Word.
ALPHONSE: No, like, physically sick.
GASTON: You're not my type, but, yeah I see how the ladies would -
ALPHONSE: Dude! I'm ill!
GASTON: Going all Beasties on me now?
ALPHONSE: Dude!
GASTON: Hey, it's cool. The Beasties were good...in their time...
ALPHONSE: I'm not illin! I'm actually ill!
GASTON: Hardcore. I admire your commitment, man.
ALPHONSE: I...I think I'm gonna hurl!
Alphonse throws up behind the couch. Gaston looks at him.
GASTON: Wow. I guess this illustrates how street slang can actually impede communication between people.
Gaston marvels at this revelation for a couple of seconds, then goes back to playing the game.
SOURCE: Weekends!
[http://www.nobc.com/Weekends/video/play.shtml?mea=227479]
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Black To Black Bad News
Jonathan Black, son of media mogul and convicted felon Conrad Black, faces trial on charges of harassing his former girlfriend. He has also been accused of threatening her new boyfriend.
I guess it's true what they say: the apple doesn't rot far from the tree.
SOURCE: The Irrational
[http://www.mc.ca/stories/2009/06/23/painthimblack096328]
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Not Only That, But The OED Is Looking A Little Green Around The Gills
Eric Kuhne, the architect behind part of Mayor Rob Ford's development plans for Toronto's waterfront, insists that the space he has designed does not contain a shopping mall. He prefers the term "retail-leisure town centre destination."
Strunk and White's The Elements of Style just had a stroke.
SOURCE: Michelle's Obscure Pedantry Page
[http://www.MichellesOPP.ca/blogger.html]
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