Bye Bye Birdie!
Humans Next?

by FRED CHARUNDER-MACHARRUNDEIRA, Alternate Reality News Service Science Writer

Matilda Everungerleider was sipping a martini at the Huntsmen and Neanderthals Club when a dead red-winged blackbird fell from the sky, splattering what was left of her drink all over her partially eclipsed sundress.

"Wolfie," she dispassionately stated, "a deceased red-winged blackbird appears to fallen from the sky into my martini."

"Don't make a fuss, Sheepie," her husband, Ashcroft Everungerleider, replied. "Wouldn't look good in front of the help. Best treat it as a...an unexpected garnish."

Matilda Everungerleider did. It was crunchier than an olive and not as tasty as an onion, but she had to admit that it was better than the pickled rhino horn that had become all the rage in the better establishments of the American south.

This scene was played put many times in the small town of Beebe, Arkansas over the weekend as over 3,000 red-winged blackbirds dropped out of the sky, dead as red-winged blackbirds that were no longer alive. Among the reported incidents:

• 87 year-old Fiedler Ponderosa confused the thuds in his ceiling with bombs during the Blitz, and tragically starved to death when he accidentally locked himself in his bomb shelter over the holiday weekend;
• Virginia Lucostatin was hunting stray elk from her rooftop with a Remington 700 Milspec 5R sniper rifle when she was startled by a dead bird that dropped onto her shoulder. As a result, she accidentally shot Bert, the Mailman, who was delivering a parcel on the other side of town, in the leg. Her life will never be the same. His might be changed, a little, too, and;
• When a dozen dead red-winged blackbirds pelted the roof of his convertible, Ernie was forced to abort his attempt to get past second base with a jittery Mandy-Lou-Cindy Lucostatin (it's a small town) up at Hollow Point Hill.

But what caused the birds to drop out of the sky on Beebe (which was named after famed actress Beebe Nuewirth, unless it wasn't)?

"Friends," said Pastor Ernest Alabaster of the First Baptist Church of Perpetual Emotion, "surely this must be one of the 237 signs of the End Times as prophesied in the book of Elevations! For yea, verily, as it is truly written, 'And, lo, the birds in the waters and the fishes in the sky shall die dramatically as a sign of the Lord's love, and it shall come to pass that little Ernie shall not get past second base with Mandy-Lou-Cindy Lucostatin (it's a small town) up at Hollow Point Hill!' Hallelujah!"

Pastor Alabaster did a little dance as he started packing a suitcase, singing merrily to himself, "Oh, who's agonna burn? Youse agonna burn! And, I'll be watchin' from on high!" When he noticed I was still there, he told me: "Son, you'd best be stockin' up on Aspirin, cause you about to enter a world o' hurt!"

A different possible cause was suggested by Simone Dinnerstein, Regional Communications Officer of the Beebe, New York City and Rijeka, Croatia chapter of the seniors environmental group Greypeace. "New Year's fireworks disoriented the poor, sad little creatures," she explained. "They started...flying around in circles and...and flying...flying into each other. The longer they were in the air, their little hearts had to beat faster and faster, their wings grew heavy and then - sob! - then, their hearts just...just...just gave out!"

Muttering something about perhaps not being cut out for the environmental movement, Dinnerstein offered another warning: "Our feathered friends are the canary in the coalmine. What - wait, that turned out not to be a metaphor, didn't it? Well, you know what I mean. What happens to them will some day happen to us. That's what I mean. Forget the canary. If we don't do something to curb the use of fireworks on New Year's Eve, we, too, could end up flying into each other and dropping from the sky dead!"

A different, different possible cause for the bird bloodbath was put forth by Melvin P. Doolittle, MD, currently on a two decade sabbatical from Tom Posten Elementary School: cats are using microwaves to cause birds' brains to overheat and stop working. "Now, I know this may sound crazy," Doctor Doolittle belatedly stated, "but I can talk to the animals, and the birds warned me that the cats, their mortal enemy, were going high tech."

He pointed to unexplained events in the Ukraine, where dogs started limping for no apparent reason. "The cats hadn't yet perfected their microwave death ray," Doctor Doolittle explained, "and it only caused crippling spasms in their victims."

Hmmm.

We were cheered by the fact that Doctor Doolittle didn't seem interested in warning that this was a sign of imminent human apocalypse. However, just as our interview was winding up, he inexplicably ran into the street and shouted at passing cars: "It's true! I've seen it! Cats with microwave weapons are here! They're here! And, you could be next! YOU COULD BE NEXT!"

Melanie Daniels refused to comment, although she was smiling broadly.