by FRANCIS GRECOROMACOLLUDEN, Alternate Reality News Service National Politics Writer
An explosion occurred yesterday in the Billy-Bob Ektorp Water Filtration Plant and Sausage Factory in Sector R.
"The Comfortingadjectiveland has been attacked!" President Sunil Sunnan of the Fierce Imaginings of Enraged Republicans Party announced on national television 43 minutes later. "As a precaution, I have fiated the Gendarmes to bring everybody who lives in cellpartments within three municipal blocks of the Ektorp Water Filtration Plant in for questioning. Be safe."
"What he said," agreed Martina Dvala, leader of the Stupidly Agree-to-anything Democratic Party. "In times of uncertainty, such as the ones through which we are currently living, what he said. In spades."
We cannot name those who have been taken in for questioning because that might tip off their accomplices. Assuming any of them are actually involved in the explosion. Assuming any of them who may have been involved in the explosion have accomplices. Assuming any of them who may have had accomplices in the explosion in which they may have been involved actually have a way of tipping them off.
Not that we're questioning...anything.
Lance Kivik, a Public Defender who has been appointed to defend 17 of the people taken in for questioning, said he did not understand what the FIER Party hoped to accomplish by hauling the citizens into the Gendarmerie. "They live their entire lives in cellpartments which are voice and image monitored 24/7. Computers constantly analyze their every word and deed for untoward naughtiness," Public Defender Kivik stated. "As is true for us all. If any of them were involved in the explosion, the Gendarmes would have been alerted to the fact months ago!"
Public Defender Kivik has been taken into custody for questioning. Because the FIER government is committed to the rule of law, he will be assigned his own Public Defender in due course.
"Aah, if only it were that simple," Tzipporah Poang, Minister for Comfortingadjectiveland Security, sighed. "But, terrorists are incredibly resourceful. An intake of breath could mean, 'The red rooster sarcomas at its existential radio at midnight!' A wink could mean, 'When vocational hearsay eliminates the toner cartridge, wrestlers will tobacco!' It's all codes within codes...within codes."
Then, Minister Poang announced: "To ensure public safety, I have raised the terror alert to fuchsia with a hint of jasmine. I think every citizen knows what that means." In fact, the colour-coded terror alerts have become so Byzantine that nobody knows what that means, likely including Minister Poang. But, everybody went about their lives in their cellpartments with a greater appreciation of the impermanence of existence.
"See? See? See? See?" commented MSNBCFoxGEMultiNatCorp commentator Martin Forjoha. "Impermanence! Terrorists! Sausage! It all ties together, people! It all - it all - it all - all - all - all - all -"
A robotic arm entered the picture, wiped the foam off of Forjoha's mouth and gently punched him in the shoulder, resetting the commentator. He continued: "The Big One is coming, people! George Soros - puppetmaster! PUPPETMASTER! You think he isn't just because HE'S BEEN DEAD FOR 30 years? Oh ho ho, you don't know how the terrorists work, my friend. You don't know! But, I do! It starts with sausage, and it ends with the permanent enslavement of all of mankind!"
Once the FIER had been properly stoked, President Sunnan announced that he had politely asked Carmine Grundtal, the President of Water&Stuf, the company that owns and operates the Billy-Bob Ektorp Water Filtration Plant and Sausage Factory, how quickly he could get it up and running again. "And, I am happy to report," he reported, "that they have graciously responded, 'Yeah, sure, we'll get around to it eventually, don't bug us, okay?' So, those in the affected area can expect their plumbing service to resume shortly."
In the meantime, President Sunnan advised, citizens should order bottled water and kitty litter for their next DeliveryBot delivery from the nearest MaxiMultiMegaMart.
Not everybody, however, was satisfied with the official version of events.
"Could it be," asked Public Defender Oscar Vilmie Rund, who has been aqssigned to defend Public Defender Lance Kivik, "and I...I...I'm not an expert on such things, so I'm probably - you know - completely wrong about this, but I thought I would, you know, throw it out there as a possibility...just a possibility, and probable a mistaken one, at that, but, you know... [okay, big breath] With all due respect, could it be that the explosion was a...an accident? I mean, nobody really knows what happens in the private corporations that look after our precious resources - maybe they didn't check their equipment as often as they shou - look, I'm just saying it's a possibility that we should consider, although it probably won't amount to anything. In fact, it was a crazy idea. I'm sure Water&Stuf - has a perfect record when it comes to running...when it comes to...oh, shit..."
Public Defender Vilmie Rund has been taken into custody for questioning. Because the FIER government is committed to the rule of law, he will be assigned his own Public Defender in due course.