Excerpt from the transcript of the Muscular Telemetry Telethon, aka the Telethon for Goddard's Kids:
HAROUN: Welcome back. I'm Haroun Kachatourian...
MEDDY: And, I'm Meddy Finster-Smythe-Gribbons.
HAROUN: And, this is hour five of the Muscular Telemetry Telethon. How are we doing, Meddy?
MEDDY: Well, Haroun, according to the big board behind us, we've raised seven billion, three hundred fifty million seven hundred seventy-six thousand five hundred and four dollars and thirty-three cents so far.
HAROUN: Amazing.
MEDDY: Wonderful. Of course, the phones are still ringing, so the big board may be behind by a million or two.
HAROUN: That is great, truly it is. And, we're all very grateful, of course - ha ha. But, let's be honest: seven billion dollars wouldn't get a single astronaut past Brooklyn, let alone a colony of a dozen astronauts to Mars. Isn't that right, Meddy?
MEDDY: Oh, absolutely, Haroun. I think we have to keep the big picture in mind: the world would benefit from a United States with a resurgent space programme. For one thing, an America focused on getting its people on Mars wouldn't be as likely to invade other countries down here on Earth.
HAROUN: And, as if that weren't reason enough to give, a Mars programme could get the American economy back on its feet, which could keep the world from total economic collapse!
MEDDY: Yes, there are lots of reasons for people around the world who are not Americans to donate to the Muscular Telemetry Telethon, so, please, give, give with all your heart. Still, that's all very...abstract, isn't it, Haroun?
HAROUN: It would probably appear that way to a lot of people, Meddy. So to put a human face on this issue, I'd like to bring out one of Goddard's Kids, Billy. Say hello to the good people, Billy.
BILLY: Hello.
HAROUN: And, how old are, Billy?
BILLY: I'm 67.
HAROUN: I see. And, what do you do, now that you've grown up?
BILLY: I'm a rocket scientist, Haroun.
HAROUN: A rocket scientist? Jolly good. So, when people say to you, "That's not rocket science -"
BILLY: I say to them, "Oh, yes, it is!"
HAROUN: Ha ha. Very good. Now, if you could tell the people watching one thing, the single most important thing they should know, what would it be?
BILLY: I...I don't have much time left, but there are lots of engineers...scientists...people who sit behind computer screens in vast halls for no discernible reason other than to jump up and cheer when something good happens to -
HAROUN: (strained patience) Yes, yes, we've all seen Apollo 13.
BILLY: They're good people, kind people, smart people, people just like you and me - well, maybe not you - but, anyways, people who were left behind when the American manned space exploration programme imploded. Now, we all have to survive on the largesse of - SOB! - multinational aerospace corporations! It's not right! I tell you, it's just not right!
HAROUN: It brings a tear to the eye.
BILLY: Is that glycerine on your handkerchief?
HAROUN: It's a trick of the light. So, you see, this isn't just about making America safe for the world, it's about Billy, and all the little 67 year-old rocket scientists like him. We -
BILLY: Can I get out of this wheelchair, now? It's killing my a -
HAROUN: Meddy! What have you gotten yourself up to?
MEDDY: I'm here at the phone bank, Haroun, talking to a volunteer named Dilip -
SIX VOLUNTEERS: (together) Yes?
MEDDY: No, not you Dilips. The...the Dilip sitting in front of me. Here. This one.
FIVE VOLUNTEERS: (disappointed) Oh.
VOLUNTEER IN BACK: Does this mean I cannot say hello to my mother in Kolkata?
MEDDY: No. Now, Dilip, why are you taking calls for the Telethon?
DILIP: Oh, ever since I was a little boy, I worried about the collapse of the American dollar causing a domino effect that would take down the Euro, then the yen, then every other currency in the world. It kept me up nights. Some days, I was so scared, I could barely keep down a single firefly kebab, and, as you can tell by my hefty girth, I love firefly kebabs! So, when I heard about this telethon, I knew I had to volunteer.
MEDDY: And, how has volunteering affected your life?
DILIP: You know...my family thinks I'm crazy. Buying a first class ticket to the Antarctic - why did you choose to hold the telethon in such a remote location, anyway? Not enough hotel space in the asteroid belt? Still, if it makes the nightmares go away, it will be worth it!
MEDDY: Making the nightmares go away - that's what the Muscular Telemetry Telethon is all about, isn't it?
HAROUN: It certainly is, Meddy. You know, we've been getting a lot of great responses from the public. One letter we received reads: "Are you bleedin' insane? There're people starvin' in the streets in so many places, and yer raisin' money fer the wealthiest country in the world! That's just crazy!" And, it's signed Bob Ce...Gel? I can't quite make out the signature...Geldov?
MEDDY: (huffing) Sorry. Bit of a...of a jog to get back centre stage from the...from the phone bank. Geldov - is that a Russian name?
HAROUN: The return address is Ireland...
MEDDY: Are there a lot of Russians in Ireland?
HAROUN: Beats me. Geldov? Geldov...Geldov...that name sounds familiar...wasn't he - wasn't he a musician way back when?
MEDDY: Can't say that I ever heard of him.
HAROUN: No, I don't think his band was all that successful, but, then, that might explain why he's such a downer now.
MEDDY: Bitterness is such an ugly trait in people, isn't it? Well. I have, here, a letter from one of our donors, Enrique from Ecuador. Enrique writes: "Helo. My name Enrique. I am 9 yeers old. I work at picking glass and metal and other precious thing out of garbage dump outside Quito. My family poor, we no have money, but here is 37 cents I save from two yeer work. I hope this help United State get back on feet. When United State solvent again, could my family please, maybe get a heeter for our little shack? It would mean so much for Momma's arthritis. Thank you."
HAROUN: What a touching story!
MEDDY: Wasn't it?
HAROUN: I especially liked the way you enunciated all of the spelling errors.
MEDDY: It's my London School of Economics training.
HAROUN: And, to think that if there were only three hundred billion people like Enrique, we could reach our target!
MEDDY: Take that, Bob Geldov!
HAROUN: Indeed. Now, a rumour has been going around that the feasibility study on a manned Mars flight that NASA is planning on doing has been outsourced to China.
MEDDY: That would seem to go against the spirit of what we're trying to accomplish, here, doesn't it, Haroun?
HAROUN: It certainly would, Meddy, if the rumour was true. But, I have been told by people inside NASA that the work going to China is only the first stage of research, and that they haven't decided where the rest of the study will be conducted.
MEDDY: Well, that's a relief.
HAROUN: Isn't it? Isn't it just?
MEDDY: Of course, celebrities around the world have given their support to the Muscular Telemetry Telethon with emails, phone calls, and occasionally even money. We'd like to take a moment to share some of these with our viewers. First up? You know him. You love him. You can't get enough of him. I'm talking, of course, of Naguib Mahfouz...