by TINA LOLLOCADENKA, Alternate Reality News Service Music Writer
The grey-haired man in the psychedelic tie-dye shirt (20 ties died for that shirt, dammit, so show some respect!) and mirrored bifocals turned to the young man in the torn jeans and vintage "Kurt Cobain died for your sTAins" t-shirt and shouts, "Isn't this amazing?"
"Kill me now," the young man muttered.
"And, how?" the man wrinkled his nose (or, come to think of it, it was probably pre-wrinkled - he looked damn old).
"Sure," the young man loudly said. "Let's go with that."
The man had dragged his son to a "Helter Skelter - The Other Beatles Tribute" concert. Although the man had seen this show at least 30 times, each time was like the first. That is not a metaphor. Being able to live forever, requiring a periodic purge of memories, will do that for you; every detail of your cultural life can be like new. Over and over and over again. Then, over and over and over again.
Eternity didn't work out quite as promised.
"Hey, don't blame us, man," stated Miriam Manchi, a medical research at the Jennifer Capriati Research Centre and Karaoke Bar. "We just perfected the technology. What people do with it is, like, their own business. Dig?"
When I tried to press her on the point, Manchi turned up the Pet Sounds album on her EEG machine, making it impossible to carry on the conversation.
JCRCKB researchers brought together several strands of existing research. Nanobots injected into the human bloodstream that search out and eradicate cancers and other forms of bodily breakdown. Drugs that target very specific illnesses. The influence of the work of William Shakespeare on the oeuvre of Johnny Knoxville. Add MSG to taste, and voila: a human lifespan that theoretically could stretch forever.
Unfortunately, the system is not perfect: the human brain still has a finite amount of room. "Yeah, man, that certainly was a design flaw," Manchi, fetching in her "Don't RUSH anybody over 30" t-shirt, turned the Beach Boys down to comment. "But, like, when life gives you lemons, compost them and get the fruit you really want, right?"
I tried to ask her a follow-up question, but the chorus of "Sloop John B" effectively ended that attempt at journalism.
Rather than leave memory loss to chance, JCRCKB researchers perfected a technique for selectively wiping memories from the human brain. Those who were 20 or younger when eternity hit have to undergo the procedure every 300 to 400 years; those who were 50 or older have to undergo the procedure every 20 years.
"The human mind is like...a lemon that has been, like, left out in the sun," Manchi explained. "Over time, it dries out and has to have more work done on it to give it the appearance of edible...ness...edibility? You get the idea."
"Yeah, sure, okay, man, when I was a child, I had to be hospitalized after an allergic reaction to a glass of lemonade," Manchi added. "However, I, like, assure you that my metaphorical use of the fruit as an adult is purely professional!" Then, she turned Physical Graffiti up to 11.
This has led to increased tension (if such a thing is possible) between the baby boom generation and their gen x offspring. "If I have to listen to Piper at the Gates of Dawn one more time," Mansur Lingedehoutier, the young man from the opening paragraphs, huffed, "Well, I would slit my wrists, but the nanobots would quickly seal up the wounds and fix the damage. A pill overdose might - no, the nanobots would neutralize the pills before they did any real damage. I could try blowing my brains out, but that would just require more extensive surgery - and I could end up with a lisp. Weird shit happens when surgeons reconstruct the brain. I could throw myself in the river. But, who knows? The nanobots could be programmed to grow gills. Of course, if I was under water, at least Sergeant Pepper would sound different..."
"Don't get us wrong," stated Edina Cokebloke, the 23 when eternity hit year-old author of Don't Get Us Wrong, We Don't Hate Boomer Culture, "we don't hate boomer culture. It's just that the constant repetition of "A Day in the Life" doesn't give us any room for our own culture. And, what the hell, Stryper deserves to be heard, too, right?"
This is the future: an Apple Records logo stamped on the cheek of humanity...forever.
"Oh, be fair and give it some time," Adrian Lingedehoutier, the old man from the opening paragraphs, responded to the literary allusion. "I mean, it's only been 1,000 years!"