by MIHALY CSIKSZENTMIHALYI, Alternate Reality News Service Interstellar Travel Writer
The mortal enemy of dogs no longer exists. Not, of course, because of anything the dogs did; in fact, dogs around the world seem, if anything, stunned, as if something they couldn't quite put their paw on was terribly, terribly wrong.
Squirrels are now officially extinct.
"Yeah, we finally nailed the furry little bastards!" said a satisfied Colonel Jorge Astralabos, head of the American-led, NATO-followed war on squirrels.
The war on the squirrels was an indirect result of a warning from Gort, an alien visitor from another planet, who - doesn't that phrase seem oddly redundant to you? Alien visitors have to come from other planets, don't they? Isn't that what makes them alien visitors? Or, is it just - okay, maybe it's just me. Gort warned humanity that - just Gort. That's his name. Apparently, there are so few aliens, they don't need surnames. Or, maybe the weight allowance on alien craft for interstellar travel is so small they have to shorten their names just to get to Earth. Or, maybe their alien physiognomy can create so many sounds that they need only combine them in one name and still have enough variety to individually identify all of their citizens. Or, maybe they're all named Gort, but it is pronounced differently for evWHAT THE HELL AM I BLATHERING ON ABOUT?
The war on the squirrels was triggered by Gort, an Ambassador from the United Federation of Planets, who made it pretty clear that if human beings continued making war on each other, the entire planet would be destroyed. Many peace advocates hoped that this would spur nations to channel resources away from the military and into more productive uses.
That hope lasted about 37.23721636354733699 seconds.
"A legal expert in Israel's Defense Department reasoned that Gort's warning against making war on other human beings did not apply to other species," historian Etzione "Digger" Ashalevitz, explained. "Once the Americans got hold of this theory, they ran with it. They ran with it all the way up the field, out the doors, through the locker room showers, out of the stadium, down the street, all the way downtown and into the countryside. They ran with it as only the Americans can."
The Pentagon immediately started a campaign to convince the American people that cats were working as spies for the alien federation. This did not go over well with a substantial portion of the American population, so the campaign lasted about 37.23721636354733732 seconds. The Pentagon immediately announced that it had been the victim of bad intel, that it was actually squirrels that were in cahoots with the aliens. And, the battle was engaged.
"It was a brilliant stroke," Ashalevitz stated with a shiver. "Everybody hates squirrels."
"I don't know where humans got the idea that squirrels were acting as our agents," Ambassador Gort said. "I assured your United Nations that that was not the case, but some nations obviously did not believe me." He refused to name those nations, but Gort did glare conspicuously at the United States on a world map conveniently provided for him by the Alternate Reality News Service.
The idea that squirrels were agents of alien infiltration was eagerly taken up by an American public that had already come to accept as fact such fictions as Barack Obama's health care plan containing provisions for death panels, the Founding Fathers creating a Christian nation and Sarah Palin actually being qualified to be President. The American government was rebuffed when it took its war plans to the United Nations, though, so it said to itself, "I know! Let's get NATO to try it! NATO will try anything!"
To nobody's surprise (except, perhaps, Mikey's), NATO did.
The war on squirrels has raged for 37 years. Despite some early victories, the creatures proved difficult to eradicate completely, so hostilities escalated. "Look," Colonel Astralabos, standing behind a poster of a squirrel innocently eating an acorn with the slogan "Cute? How cute do you think alien enslavement of the entire human race is?" argued, "in any war there is bound to be some - ahem - collateral damage."
Yes, but...Venezuela?
"Small price to pay to stave off an alien invasion," Colonel Astralabos insisted. "What has Venezuela ever done for humanity?"
"Actually," began humanist, poet, lawmaker, philosopher, educator and committed Venezuelan Andres Bello. Unfortunately, my phone budget ran out at that moment, so I could not get his response to Colonel Astralabos' question.
"I think you may have missed the entire point of my warning against aggressive behaviour," Ambassador Gort commented. In their lust to rid the world of the scourge of squirrels, people completely ignored him.
The turning point in the war appears to have been the Battle of Central Park, which was decisively settled with a bunker buster low-yield nuclear weapon. "There were too many of the little ferkers!" Colonel Astralabos argued. "They were everywhere! Do you have any idea how humiliating it is to be losing a war...to a squirrel?"
I had to admit that I didn't. Well, I probably didn't have to admit that, but it seemed like the quickest way to end the interview and get the hell out of the Colonel's office.
Will the end of squirrels also mean a peace dividend for war-weary Americans? "Don't bet your ass on it!" Colonel Astralabos advised, pulling me back into his office. "We've had intel that the squirrels weren't acting alone. Ever notice how bold raccoons have been getting lately? We've had our eye on those circle eyed little bastards for some time, now...for quite some time..."