by MIHALY CSIKSZENTMIHALYI, Alternate Reality News Service Interstellar Travel Writer
It may be minus 150 degrees Celsius outside, but the race for Mayor of Luna City is heating up. And, in this heat, what once looked like an insurmountable lead has all but evaporated. Because...because...then, you know...that then...then...I, uhh, realized that the heat metaphor had completely lost its steam, and decided to move on.
Dookie Malegro, the favoured candidate three months ago, had a 30 point lead in the polls thanks to a platform of greater water extraction from the moon's surface and lower taxes. His only real opposition appeared to be from Rosemary Ookakaka, whose platform consisted primarily of naming the crater just outside the dome of the city on the lunar surface after her late husband, Yojimbo.
Then, Festivus Martin entered the race with the campaign slogan: "Luna for the Lunies!" His campaign for Mayor of Luna City started with a misstep: Martin printed up 1,000 bumper stickers with the slogan. Since there are no cars on the moon, this didn't get people psyched to vote for him so much as wonder what the hell he was doing. However, Martin was a quick study; his next move, printing the slogan on 500 coffee mugs, was a hit with people all over Luna City.
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At the first all-candidates debate a week after he entered the race, Martin argued that Luna City was in danger of being overrun by illegal aliens. "They'll take our water from us!" he warned. "They'll use up the very air that we need to breathe to survive, if we let them! DON'T LET THEM! Vote for somebody who understands the threat. Vote for Festivus Martin."
Malegro appeared to be bemused by Martin's position. "We live in a domed city on the moon, which has no atmosphere. How could anybody possibly sneak in?" Malegro calmly argued. "Besides, we have a clear view across the lunar surface. If anybody tried to sneak into the dome, we would spot them long before they arrived here."
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A week later, Martin gave an interview with The Lunar Picayune and Mayonnaise accusing Malegro of sticking his head in the lunar soil and avoiding the problem. "Maybe they're stowing away on cargo ships," he suggested. "The point is that they are not like us! They come to the moon not knowing our ways and disrupting our lives!"
In a letter to the editor the day after the interview came out, Malegro annoyedly argued, "Nobody can stow away on cargo ships - every gram of weight has to be accounted for so that they know how far the fuel will carry the ship. As for not being like us: the moon was colonized by people from 37 different countries. If we have any culture at all, it is a culture of tolerance for other people's beliefs and ways of life."
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In the second debate two weeks later, Martin accused Malegro of being sympathetic to the illegal aliens. "They're coming to take away what we have," he claimed. "We must do whatever we can to stop that from happening! My opponent doesn't seem to realize the threat, but I do!"
"Of course I am sympathetic to immigrants!" Malegro irritatedly argued. "Everybody now living on the moon is either an immigrant or the child of an immigrant!" He added that the idea that of illegal aliens taking away what lunar citizens had was ludicrous. "Look around you," he stated. "What, exactly do we have? Crappy air pumps that are constantly threatening to fail? Hard labour mining rare minerals from the moon's surface? Constant worry that we're going to run out of food? That we're gonna die before we can get back home to Earth to spend any of the money waiting in our bank accounts? Who in their right mind would want to take what we have?"
In retrospect, this could have been a turning point in the election.
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Three days ago, Martin took out an ad on the side of the air filtration plant on the south side of Luna City that read: "Haitians! But, that's not important. To protect our city, we need to build a 12 foot high electrified fence around the perimeter of the bubble. If elected, I will take this and other measures to ensure that we are safe. LUNA FOR THE LUNIES!"
"There is no invasion of immigrants!" Malegro desperately argued in a radio address the next day. "Really...but...look, an electrified fence would be expensive and wouldn't really solve the problem. What we need to do is...increase security at the airlocks. Sure. That's the only way that makes sense - the airlocks. So...if we double staff at the airlocks, maybe...add motion sensors around them - that, that is the only way to ensure that nobody invades our city!"
The vote will take place on November 3. At this point, the race for Mayor is too close to call.