Yo, Tech Answer Guy,
I love my mom. My MOMM, on the other hand, not so much.
I got a new computer for St. Michaelmas Day. It's a family tradition. Don't ask. The computer came with Micromoss Operating System 27.82.35 Gamma Delta Epsilon Faye Tango Baretta .1. Yeah, I know. The feature bloat on this version was so bad, you'd swear it had just given birth to quintuplets. But, buying off the shelf is also a family tradition. Again, please, with the don't asking.
As I'm sure you know, one of the features of the new operating system is the Micromoss Operating Matriarch Matrix, or MOMM. When you first turn on the computer, an icon of a sweet old lady pops up and says, "Oh, dear, it's such a pleasure to be here to help such an adorable user. Who's an adorable user, now? Yes, you're an adorable user! If you need any help with any aspect of your computer, all you have to do is ask, you cutie! Ooh, if I had a body, I would reach out of the screen and pinch your cheek!"
At first, I adored all the attention. "Great work! I could just save that for you you know, sweetie, how would you like that?" My computer operating system was more supportive of my work on The Reality Train Has Left The Station, a meta-meta-meta-Web comic that made fun of meta-meta-Web comics that made fun of meta-Web comics that made fun of Web comics, than my biological mother was. What wasn't to love?
I'll tell you what wasn't to love! Slowly, MOMM started getting...more assertive about what I should be doing. Pushy, you could almost say. She started suggesting that the clothes my comic characters were wearing were too revealing, that they should cover up more. I went on vacation for a week, and when I turned on the computer when I got back, she asked why I hadn't kept her on so I could keep in touch. "MOMM worries about you," she said. Then, there was the time I didn't send her an e-card on Mother's Day. "A MOMM likes to know she's appreciated," she pouted for days. Files began to go missing and work unsaved until I relented and got her some photos of flowers and boxes of chocolate.
Then came the pointless arguments that I never seemed to win:
ME: Delete.
MOMM: Do you want to delete?
ME: Yes.
MOMM: Are you positive you want to delete?
ME: Yes, I'm positive.
MOMM: Are you absolutely positive you want to delete?
ME: Yes, I'm absolutely positive I want to delete!
MOMM: Are you absolutely, positively sure you want to delete?
ME: YES! YES, I am absolutely, 100 per cent positive I want to delete!
MOMM: Well, why don't I just keep it over here in case you change your mind?
ME: AAAARGH!
Then, it got personal. MOMM said she could tell by my keystrokes that I was slouching, and suggested that I sit up properly. Her diagnostics told her that her air vents were getting clogged, and she scolded me about what a filthy habit smoking was. Hey! I live in an industrial area! I mean, okay, yeah, she nailed the smoking thing, but still: we had 34 days of smog alerts last month alone! That ought to count for something. I had just about enough when she asked why I hadn't posted any photos of my girlfriend to my MySpace page. Some things are just not an icon of an operating system's business!
I don't know what to do. I won't be getting another computer until next St. Michaelmas Day (thank you for don't asking). Do you have any suggestions?
Sincerely,Yo, Irv,
You are not alone, bro. A Facebook roup called "I Want to Get My Ass as Far Away from My MOMM as Possible!" has over three million members. Micromoss is not telling anybody how many letters of complaint it has received, but it has hired 70 extra people to process its email - make of that factoid what you will.
No matter how often it has proven otherwise, computer companies insist on believing that users want a friendly icon to help them navigate through their systems. Remember the Micromoss paperclip? A popular app at the time was a blowtorch that turned the paperclip into metal goo. How about that puppy? Do you have any idea how many people asked veterinarians how to get it put down? Jeeves from the Ask Jeeves search engine was just snotty. At some point, companies are going to realize people don't want the operating system to be their friend, they want it to, you know, operate their computer systems.
Micromoss has, by the way, tried to remedy the problem by removing the MOMM icon from its operating system. Unfortunately, it has not succeeded, but it has gotten error messages that read: "You would try to get rid of your own MOMM? Shame on you!" and "It doesn't matter what you do, I will always be your MOMM." The guilt has sent several Micromoss programmers into therapy.
Tough it out as best you can. If nothing else, it does put your relationship with your biological mother into some kind of perspective, don't it?
The Tech Answer Guy
If you are a dude with a question about the latest technology, ask The Tech Answer Guy by sending it to him care of this publication. Just remember: never say anything bad about his mother, because he will reach out of your computer screen and cut you!