Ask the Tech Answer Guy About the Odds

Yo, Tech Answer Guy

I am the creator of the Merkin Muffley Meat Mart Blog, a fan site devoted to the life and work of Sherwood Schwartz. Last week, we got an email from Roman Polanski. After several paragraphs where he complained about not being able to travel to the United States (but, not in a bitter way, except, perhaps, to the repeated references to "media jackals"), he told me that I was wasting my time blogging about somebody that nobody had ever heard of and that I should refocus the old Quadruple M Blog on somebody my readers might give a shit about.

This isn't entirely fair. I've polled my readers, and at least three of them give a shit about Sherwood Schwartz. But, ahh, that's not why I'm writing to you. My question is: what are the odds that it really was Roman Polanski who wrote to my blog?

Sincerely,
Bob the Blog Slob

Yo, BBS,

The odds are 1 in 66,845.33 that the person who claims to be Roman Polanski on your blog actually is.

The Tech Answer Guy

Yo, Tech Answer Guy,

Can you explain how you arrived at that number?

Sincerely,
Bob the Blog Slob

Yo, BBS,

Sure. There is a formula for calculating whether a person on the Internet is the celebrity they claim they are. Sure, we all hated it in high school, but mathematics is amazing: there is a formula for calculating everything. The odds you'll go bald before George Clooney. The odds that god doesn't believe in the existence of Christopher Hitchens. The odds that that bump on the back of your neck is a second head that will consume your life and eventually take over your psyche. Oh, yeah. I'm telling you, man, there's a formula for calculating everything.

So. Regarding your little problem, the formula is:

where a = the odds that the celebrity needs the publicity (1 in 43);
b = the odds that the celebrity eluded its entourage and was bored, so it did a Google search on its name and found your site (1 in 83);
c = the odds that the celebrity is obsessed with its reputation, so it did a Google search on its name and found your site (1 in 3);

d= the odds that the celebrity actually knows how to use the Internet (1 in 37);
e = the odds that the celebrity actually knows how to write (1 in 7);
f = the odds that the celebrity has heard of your site (1 in 27);
g = the odds that the celebrity has actually been to your site (1 in 87);
Pc = Walk the Planck's Constant (1 in 47: this was derived from a mathematical formula so complex that it left Stephen Hawking speechless, so don't expect me to be able to explain it for you. All you need to know is that it works.), and;
h = the odds that you have written anything remotely interesting enough for the celebrity to feel it is worth his or her time to respond to (1 in 117).

QED, Bob (which is Latin for "In your face, person who questions my wisdom!").

The Tech Answer Guy

Yo, Tech Answ'er Guy,

Iv'e been having a mild bout of Apostropho'sis lately. It h'asnt affected my over'all job performance, or, for that mat'ter, my romantic performance. Still, I' was wondering if there was something I could do to n'i'p this pup'py in the bud.

Thanks,
Barry the Bondsman

Yo,

Medical issues are a little out of the Tech Answer's Guy's sweet spot, if you know what I mean (and, I guess, even if you don't know what I mean). So, to answer your question, I have enlisted the aid of CNN's most well-known medical expert, Doctor Sanjay Gupta:

"Thank you, Barry, for asking this most illuminating question. I find the best cure for Apostrophosis is a 20 milligram capsule of distilled Elements of Style taken 13 times a day, but this only works if the disease is in its early stages. There is no known cure for late stage Apostrophosis, but research shows that either a lobotomy or the viewing of 12 straight hours of Fox News for a period of several years does mitigate the worst effects of the disease somewhat; unfortunately, the side effects of both can be quite harsh. If you're not sure, consult a linguist."

If you are a dude with a question about the latest technology, ask The Tech Answer Guy by sending it to him care of this publication. Just remember: If the Tech Answer Guy doesn't respond to your question, it's probably not because he doesn't like you, but because it was just a dumbass question. Don't take it personal.