by OLGA KRYSHTANOVSKAYA, Alternate Reality News Service Travel Writer
Chartered anesthetist and battle of Waterloo conspiracy buff Phillip Crusher-Magnificum looks over the scenic skyline of Louton. He and his wife, famed show jumper Louisa Headcase, had been looking forward to getting away from the rough and tumble of their life in Bolton for a fortnight. Things were going well: they had walked into the big black cube in the travel agency and come out in the lobby of the Hotel Zatapatique as planned.
However, they were victims of the bane of travelers (not to mention the set-up to a million bad jokes) everywhere: the monolith had lost their bags.
"They weren't very special bags," Crusher-Magnificum allowed. "Big black Samsonitey things, with little black handles and wheels that squeaked a little because they hadn't been oiled in all the time we've had them even though this is actually the first time we've used them and, now that I come to think of, isn't it a little odd that they made that noise? Anyway, when we came through the monolith, I immediately turned to Deirdre - that's my pet name for my wife, Deirdre - it's a private joke - no, don't ask me to explain it, it wouldn't be private any more - I turned to Deirdre and said, 'Oi! They've lost our bags!' and she said, 'Ooooh, you're right!' So, I said, 'What...'"
According to a representative of the Monolith Travel Agency, Crusher-Magnificum and Headcase's bags were diverted to Tau Ceti in the constellation Cetus. "They're in a white room we keep there," Vice President in Charge of Filing and Phone Answering Yolanda DeBilbus stated. "I can assure you, their bags are perfectly safe: it's a room that only partially exists in this dimension, so the wear on luggage is minimal."
We asked DeBilbus if we could speak to the manager. "You want to speak to Mister OompaloompaMassExodusMassEffectfetangfetangrotaryengineOohdontmindifIdobraapbraapCondoleezzaFederman[three second dog whistle that cannot be heard by human ears] OhInevercheckisinthemailsqeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeplungermaggotSuperduck?"
Yes?
"I'm afraid Mister OompaloompaMassExodusMassEffectfetangfetangrotaryengineOohdontmindifIdobraapbraapCondoleezzaFederman[three second dog whistle that cannot be heard by human ears] OhInevercheckisinthemailsqeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeplungermaggotSuperduck is a 12 dimensional being," DeBilbus stated, "he only rarely ever drops into this dimension to communicate, and, then, mostly just to see if we've evolved closer to his race. I tell you, sometimes dealing with his disappointment is more than my job's worth!"
We pointed out that Monolith Travel was getting a reputation for losing travelers' luggage. "The monolith technology was originally built to send travelers on transcendent journeys," DeBilbus defensively responded. "It wasn't designed to make sure their underwear went with them!"
To understand the impact of the mix-up on an ordinary traveler, we rejoin Crusher-Magnificum's monologue, already in progress: "...aving cream, safety razors, bandages, bug spray, tummy tablets, magnifying glass in case the food portions were not what we were used to, the missus' everyday pajamas, the missus' naughty but ultimately tasteful nightie for those nights when we're both feeling a little frisky - you know how hot things can get when you're on vacation in a strange town, henh henh - and, anyway, we had to replace all those things, as well as the inflatable raft, the food processor, the complete recorded speeches of Reginald Mau..."
We asked DeBilbus if Monolith Travel offered compensation to its customers who lost luggage. Before she could answer, a huge pale disc that could have been a five foot wide piece of fingernail, appeared in mid-air and pointed to a sign on the wall that stated that "The Monolith Travel Agency is not responsible for lost luggage."
"Mister OompaloompaMassExodusMassEffectfetangfetanrotaryengineOohdontmindifIdobraapbraapCondoleezzaFederman[three second dog whistle that cannot be heard by human ears] OhInevercheckisinthemailsqeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeplungermaggotSuperduck has always been firm on that point," DeBilbus whispered as the disc faded away.
Did you mean OompaloompaMassExodusMassEffectfetangfetangrotaryengineOohdontmindifIdobraapbraapCondoleezzaFederman[three second dog whistle that cannot be heard by human ears] OhInevercheckisinthemailsqeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeplungermaggotSuperduck?
"That's what I said," DeBilbus replied.
Actually, you said, OompaloompaMassExodusMassEffectfetangfetanrotaryengineOohdontmindifIdobraapbraapCondoleezzaFederman[three second dog whistle that cannot be heard by human ears] OhInevercheckisinthemailsqeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeplungermaggotSuperduck.
"Ooh, I never!" DeBilbus insisted. "I specifically said OompaloompaMassExodusMassEffectfetangfetangrotaryengineOohdontmindifIdobraapbraapCondoleezzaFederman[three second dog whistle that cannot be heard by human ears] OhInevercheckisinthemailsqeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeplungermaggotSuperduck. I think I know my own boss' name, thank you very much! Anyway, what does it matter? Do you know any other 12 dimensional beings who use monoliths to transport people around the world?"
Point taken.
The advantages of monolith travel are obvious: travel between any two points on the planet are almost instantaneous; the light show en route is better than having to watch typical airline movies like the remake of Return to Witch Mountain, and; because they don't use fossil fuels, monoliths don't contribute to global warming (although there is some concern that, due to a flaw in their patented wormhole technology, they leech matter out of the universe, which could have long-term negative consequences for all life forms). However, are the advantages enough to compensate for lost luggage?
We let Crusher-Magnificum have the last word: "...ied about replacing all of our clothes - would we be able to get used to the strange things they wear in Louton? But, I must say that we were pleasantly surprised, Deirdre - the Missus - and I. We were able to replicate just about everything. Except for the Missus' panties. The ones in the shop in Louton had no - uhh - ermm - hee hee - well, no point beating around the bush, as it were - they were crotchless. A lesser couple might have abandoned their vacation then and there, but we were made of sterner stuff! So, we decided to carry on as best we could. And, you know, with that out of the way, we were actually able to enjoy our ho -"
The last words, actually.