You may remember Rupert Murdoch as the crusty but loveable uncle in the hit 1960s TV series My Three Arthropods.
2) As helpful as it invariably isn't, I can really just skip over the answer to the first question in your frequently Unasked Questions files, can't I?
Absolutely. You can probably skip the answer to the second question, where you ask if you should skip over the answer to the first question, as well.
3) Super. So, now that we've gotten that out of the way, who is Rupert Murdoch?
The Supreme Ruler of News Corp. (variously pronounced: cor, corp and, perhaps most appropriate given present circumstances, corpse). Murdoch built a vast empire of newspapers, television networks and other entertainment properties that spans three continents, and is currently burrowing its way into China. It is said that the power accruing to his media holdings has given him the ability to make or break Presidents and Prime Ministers.
4) Sounds impressive. And, what has he done?
He doesn't have a clue.
In testimony before the British Parliament, Murdoch chose to play the time-honored game among corporate moguls caught up in scandals: Corrupt or Incompetent? And, as with all previous contestants, he pleaded incompetence (as indicated by the phrases, "I did not know," "I didn't know," "I have no knowledge" and "Know not, I did."). You know, it would be refreshing if a CEO chose corruption (as indicated by the phrase, "Yeah, I authorized it. I authorized all of it. Whaddaya gonna do about it, copper?") It would also make the process go much quicker...
6) Testimony before British Parliament? It seems like we're putting the cart before the ass. What exactly happened?
Journalists at the News of the World, a Murdoch newspaper, took phone calls.
7) Isn't that what they're supposed to do?
Not when they took them from other people's cellphones by hacking into the devices.
8) Oh. I see. Still, hacking into a handful of -
Actually, they hacked into as many as 4,000 cellphones. Hands that could do that would have to be a mile high.
9) Oh. I see. Still, where is the harm in -
They hacked into the cellphone of Milly Dowler, a 13 year-old girl who had been kidnapped. When her voicemail was full, Murdoch's News of the World reporters deleted messages in the hope that somebody would add a new message that would give them new inside information. This had the unfortunate effect of making the girl's family believe she was still alive long after she had likely been murdered.
10) Oh. I see. That is pretty sleazy, isn't it?
I had to take a shower while I was describing it to you.
11) How did they manage to hack so many phones?
I would like to say that they used cloak and dagger methods to find juvenile hackers from developing nations and paid them ridiculous sums of money to create programmes that intercepted encrypted phone calls and used sophisticated algorithms to de-encrypt them.
12) Clearly, though, you can't say that. So, how did they really do it?
They used the fact that most people don't set up passwords on their cellphones.
13) You can set up a password on your cellphone?
Better hope Murdoch doesn't have your number. Oh, and, apparently, Murdoch reporters bribed police officers to give them phone numbers and personal details of the royal family and then hide evidence of that little faux pas from the public.
14) They...bribed...police...officers?
I know. It's so Evelyn Waugh, isn't it?
15) I understand that this could have repercussions for British Prime Minister David Cameron. How?
It could make him grow a moustache.
You don't think he would look good with a moustache?
17) Really. What's the worst that could happen to him?
Well, in a worst case scenario, he could be found to have colluded with Murdoch to smear his opposition and win the last election. If that turns out to be true, it could have dire consequences for his government. He could lose a seat...possibly even two in the next election.
18) It's not like Murdoch cronies have any part in Cameron's government, right?
No. No. Nooooooooooooooo. No. No. No. Absolutely not. Well, unless you count people like former News of the World editor Andy Coulson, who was once Cameron's media adviser and is now under arrrest.
You really need to work on that accent, but, if I understand you correctly, yeah.
20) Okay, so, News of the World appears to have been involved in some shady business, but why would that be that much of a problem for Murdoch?
The Sunday Times and The Sun, two of Murdoch's other newspapers, have been accused of trying to illegally access the voicemails and obtain private banking information, legal files and financial and medical records of former British Prime Minister Gordon Brown. This is what is known in police investigations as "a pattern."
21) The American Justice Department is considering using the Corrupt Practices Act to investigate criminal activity at Murdoch's companies. But, isn't this primarily a British problem?
Oh, you are so adorable! Don't ever let the world make you cynical!
22) Umm, thanks. But, what about the question?
There have been allegations that Murdoch companies used similar tactics to destroy a rival American advertising company. There are also rumours that Murdoch papers tried to hack into the accounts of 9/11 victims.
I know, the Americans get upset over the most trivial matters. Still...
24) Okay, look. News of the World has been shut down. Former CEO Rebekkah "Red Sonja" Brooks has been fired. Prime Minister Cameron has fired Coulson, who is under criminal investigation. Even two high-ranking Scotland Yard officers involved in the scandal have resigned. Doesn't all of that definitively end things?
Absolutely. No question. For certain, this time. It's over. Stick a fork - or possibly a sock - in it, it's done. Eeeeeeeeeeeexcept for all of the allegations of wrongdoing that are still under investigation. Oops.
25) How has News Corp. Been defended in the press?
The Wall Street Journal has offered three defenses of Murdoch.
1. Everybody does it. Why, you might be hacking into the cellphones of celebrities and kidnapped children even as you read this and not even know it!
2. The Corrupt Practices Act, which could be used to take some of Murdoch's American television licenses away from him, doesn't apply to newspapers. Ha ha. Ho ho. Take some licences away from him. Oh, yeah, hee hee, good one. But, no, seriously, it's a pain in the ass Rupert doesn't need, and, anyway, the Act was meant to cover third world political dictators, not first world media dictators.
3. Opponents of Murdoch are just feeling schadenfreude at his being brought down a peg (although nobody named Peg is believed to be involved). Any illegal or immoral activity he or his employees may have engaged in is of no consequence compared to this outpouring of negative emotion. You should all be very ashamed of yourselves!
26) Wait a minute. The Wall Street Journal? Isn't that a Murdoch newspaper?
Are you suggesting that this makes it impossible for them to be objective on this subject? Because, if that is so, I will have to ask you to...not say it so loudly. Wouldn't want to wake up the FCC.
27) How has Fox News covered the growing scandal in Murdoch's media empire?
29) Gotcha. One last thing: Colin Myler and Tom Crone, two people who worked for Murdoch's News International, claim that the testimony of James Murdoch - Rupert's son and a major player in News Corp. - to Parliament about not knowing anything about the hacking of the head of the professional soccer players' union Gordon Taylor's email was "mistaken." Is being mistaken the same thing as lying?
When you aren't being entirely truthful with Parliament, you are not lying. The word for what you are doing begins with a "p" and ends with a jury.