Election 2011: Canada Goes to the Trolls

What, No Multiple Choice?

Conservative leader Stephen Harper is only prepared to answer five questions from reporters at his campaign stops. Those five questions are:

1. Your government of the last four years was pretty great, wasn't it?
2. Your campaign is like, amazing, isn't it?
3. A Conservative majority would be just about the most awesome thing in the world, wouldn't it?
4. Michael Ignatieff is an untrustworthy weasel, isn't he?
5. Jack Layton is an empty moustache, isn't he?

Reporters who want to ask something other than one of these questions should not bother showing up at campaign events. In case more than one reporter wants to ask one of the questions, the first reporter recognized by Harper gets the privilege. For the rest of you, better luck next time.

And, I Didn't Even Mention His Hockey Career
(Hey! I Haven't Been proud Of Much This Campaign - I'll Take Whatever I Can Get!)

Ken Dryden, enjoys the wide open spaces of scenic North York.

Ken Dryden, the Liberal MP in my riding, is a mensch.

I ran into him going door to door in my neighbourhood, and we got to talking. I gave him my standard, "I think Liberals are corrupt, but I believe Conservatives are evil" line. And, after we agreed that I was perhaps a touch cynical, we kept talking amicably for several additional minutes.

I suppose he could just not know when he's been insulted. But, I prefer to think that he's a mensch.

By Cutting Taxes And Adding Another $40 Billion To The Annual Deficit?

"A Tory majority could get the fiscal house in order." - Diane Francis in the National Post

Do Any Post Pundits Actually Pay Attention To Federal Finances?

"For the economy, only one answer
Tories the party we can count on not to spend" - headline on David Frum article in the National Post

You Really Think I'm Being Cynical? Really? I'm The Cynical One?

"If you vote for me, I will split income taxes for married couples. That could save you a bundle in income taxes."

"Great! When can I expect it to kick in?"

"Not for five years."

"Five years? There could be three more elections before then!"

"That's assuming the deficit has been reduced to nothing. If not, you will have to wait until it is."

"Really? Thanks for nothing, then."

"No, no. This can be really great for married couples...that are part of the 13 per cent of couples making a combined income of $200,000 or more."

"That many? You, uhh, you really have to work on your spending money to pander to the voters skills, don't you?"

You Know A Leader By The Company He Keeps

2 little, 2 late) Who said: "When the whole world searches for stability, the opposition searches to create political instability?" a) Egyptian President Hosni Mubarek
b) Libyan Crazy-Man-In-Chief Moammar Gadhafi
c) Canadian Prime Minister Stephen Harper

It Helps Not To Think, Blink Or Otherwise Malcolm Gladwellize

From The Dust Devil's Dictionary:

Doublethink: (noun) The ability to believe in two mutually exclusive positions at the same time without recognizing the contradiction. EXAMPLE: The Harper Government^TM is running campaign ads in Quebec that insinuate that illegal immigrants are "taking advantage of Canadian kindness and generosity." At the same time, they are courting immigrants in the rest of the country. What could explain this dichotomy other than doublethink?

Pit Bulls Make Lousy Kitten Owners

Okay. Look. I had gotten all of the kitten jokes out of my system, and really had no intention of revisiting the issue. Then, Conservative John Baird posted a photograph on twitter with a kitten he had just adopted.

I will give him this: Baird does not look like he wants to eat the kitten. Like he wants to use it in a lab experiment, absolutely. A long, painful, medically unnecessary lab experiment, perhaps, but not dinner.

I'm not sure that this is an improvement.

Wasn't That A Warren Zevon Song?

"The bulk of the Conservative Party platform so far can be summed up in three concepts: jets, jails and guns." - letter to the Toronto Star

Is The Harper Government^TM Practicing What It Outreaches?

"If elected, the Conservative Party of Canada will establish an office of religious freedom in the Department of Foreign Affairs and International Trade. The Harper Government^TM feels that -"

So, this new office will fight for the Fulan Gong's right to protest in front of the Chinese embassy in Vancouver, right? Because, frankly, the city appears to have been working with the Chinese government to stifle their religious freedom, and -

"Uhh, no. As I said, the office of religious freedom will be in the Department of Foreign Affairs. Foreign. Affairs. It's about protecting people's right to practice the religion of their choice in other countries."

So, what will you be doing about Quebec banning Sikh boys from wearing kirpans in schools?

"FOREIGN! AFFAIRS! FOREIGN ONES! WHAT PART OF FOREIGN AFFAIRS DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND?"

Foreign affairs. Gotcha. So, this new department will support Muslim women who want to wear veils in courts across Canada, right? Because religious freedom is indivis -

"This is why we allow reporters to only ask five questions at campaign events!"

The Conservative Party Of Canada - Scandal Free Since Tuesday

According to a report by Auditor General Sheila Fraser, the Harper Government^TM lied to Parliament about $50 million in G20 summit spending that was given, possibly illegally, to unrelated projects in a Conservative riding. This comes on top of such scandals as Bev Oda channelling old Saturday Night Live sketches - not! - and the conservatives cheating on election spending in a way that launched a thousand immature double entendres.

You know, I remember when the Liberals were supposed to be the party of sleaze. This does not strike me as a good way to win a majority...

The Conservatives Are Counting On It To Win A Majority

"Should the ignorant be urged to vote?" - Toronto Star