Aah, it is the morning after and you are already creating the memories of the evening that will last you a lifetime. But, what now? There is a strange lady in your boudoir, a lady that you know most intimately in one sense and barely at all in another. Do you toss this woman who has given so much to you out the door of your apartment like a pinata leftover?
NO! No, I say, you do not! That would not be worthy of all that I have taught you! You must treat your lady like a lady. Allow me to show you the way.
| 1. | Have I woken up before my love bunny? | |
| NO | 2. | No, no, no. This will not do! How can I supply my booty babe with a nutritious breakfast if she is the one who wakes up first? Of course, I cannot! IT IS IMPERATIVE THAT THE MAN WAKES UP FIRST! I set my internal clock to four in the morning just to be on the safe side. |
| YES | 3. | Are there enough ingredients in the kitchen to make a proper breakfast? |
| YES | 4. | Pancakes or an omelette? * |
| PANCAKES | 6. | I arrange the pancakes, butter, jam, syrup and anything else that may be appropriate on a tray. |
| OMELETTE | 7. | I arrange the eggs, salt, bacon, baked beans…ketchup (I refuse to judge, although I cannot keep myself from sighing) and anything else that may be appropriate on a tray. |
| NO | 5. | Can I afford to order something in? And, no, Manny does not order MacDonald's breakfast sandwiches for his paramour! If this is what you thought, you should be ashamed to call yourself a lover of women! Croissants with an assortment of butters and jams are a minimum of what you should be considering. A bare minimum! |
| YES | 8. | I arrange whatever I have purchased on a tray. |
| NO | 9. | If I could not afford to get the woman who only the evening before had given herself to me heart, body and soul - but mostly body - I would consider myself a failure as a man. My eyes would not be able to meet her gaze as I gave her a sad little handshake and sent her on her way. I would then immediately take myself to a monastery where I would live out my days in chaste seclusion. IT IS THE ONLY WAY! ** |
| 10. | I place a rose on the tray and head out of the kitchen. When I get to the bedroom, is the love of my night so adorable that I cannot bear to wake her up? | |
| YES | 11. | I watch her sleep. I watch the gentle rise and fall of her womanly chest. I listen to the gentle sigh of her breath. When I get bored of this, I kiss her until her eyes flutter open and she smiles. But, gently, I kiss her. Gently. This is a lady, after all, and she deserves gentleness. |
| NO | 12. | I tell her it's time to wake up. But, gently, I tell her. Gently. This is a lady, after all, and she deserves gentleness. |
| 13. | I make small talk as we eat breakfast. When we are done, does she ask if she may use the shower? | |
| YES | 14. | Manny lets her! I talk to her while she is cleaning herself, and then, while she is dressing, allowing my eyes to gently caress her beauty and show her how much it is appreciated. |
| NO | 15. | I make small talk to her as she dresses. I do not think that maybe she is not as lady-like as I had imagined, for that would be ungentlemanly. |
| 16. | Is there still passion between us? | |
| YES | 17. | We embrace and passionately kiss our goodbyes. |
| NO | 18. | I give the height of femaleness in my life at the moment a peck on the cheek and a warm pat on the shoulder. |
| 19. | Was there enough to the evening that I would want to see this woman again? | |
| YES | 20. | I call her. In a week or two. If I haven't found somebody else who is equally fabulous in the meantime. |
| NO | 21. | I will probably not call her or ever see her again. After all, it would not be fair to other women to deny them a night of my fabulousness. |
Notes
* Ah, the eternal question. You must pamper your lady love with the most lavish foods, lovingly prepared by your own hand, the hand that was responsible for so much of her passion the night before. But, which foods are the lavishest? Obviously, if the lady has stated a preference, you must indulge her whims. If not, look for clues. If she is a fan of the actor Jon Malkovich, perhaps her taste will run to pancakes. If she has an allergy to maple syrup, perhaps an omelette would be best. Of course, the ingredients you have in the kitchen will also make a difference. Whatever you do, IF YOU WANT TO MAINTAIN A BURNING HOT PASSION, AVOID COLD CEREAL.
** I am sorry, but Manny feels very strongly that a good breakfast is the start of a healthy day's relationship.
Manuel Montana Smithson Manischewitz is not a licenced sex therapist and makes no claims on the efficacy of his method. If it does not work for you, you either need more experience, or you are gay. There is nothing wrong with either, but you must be completely honest with yourself before you can be completely honest and open with the ladies. Or…the other men. Whatever. Either way, aren't you glad, now, that you TIVOed fDancing With the Stars?
