What the Heck Do You Know? Did Not Get Herpes From My Sister!
1) We've all heard the phrase "higgledy piggledy." What, exactly, is piggledy?
a) you know those parts of the pig that aren't used for proper meats, so they end up in hot dogs? I think your imagination can take it from there...
b) when your eyes go so wide they start to flatten out, sort of like when you're looking intensely at a spot in a wind tunnel (the word is actually short for "pickle-eyed")
c) a cricket term too boring to explain here
2) Why not regulate guns as strictly as toys?
a) when was the last time you heard a child get lead poisoning from a Glock? Doesn't happen, that's when!
b) because the National Playthings Association just can't seem to get its shit together
c) for the children!
3) What is the greatest thing about the phrase "Man up?"
a) it evokes images of surreal photographer Ray at bat
b) it beats the crap out of the phrase "Girly-man up," which doesn't quite convey the right level of heterosexist contempt
c) it sounds really smutty when Sarah Palin says it
4) How do people who believe in the End Times handle their finances?
a) they can't take it with them, so they blow it on wild parties and hookers
b) in their wills, they leave all of their worldly possessions to Satan (and, as you can imagine, they haven't exactly been popular at family gatherings since that little detail about their future plans slipped out)
c) behind the wall of a safe room with protective gloves and a pair of steel tongs
5) What is "Statistical Analysis with R?"
a) the healthy breakfast cereal alternative for today's busy computer programmer on the go
b) it's 10.3784 times better than Statistical Analysis with Q, although rumour has it that Statistical Analysis with S is going to blow it out of the water
c) your best bet for getting that cutie in Soc 102 to sleep with you
6) Is it ever okay to drink your own urine?
a) according to the magazine Popular Science, it's really, really icky
b) only at the best restaurants (everywhere else, you have to drink house urine)
c) the fact that you can even joke about such things shows just how degenerate our culture has become!
7) "People ask me if I ever thought of writing a children's book," said author Martin Amis. "I say, ‘If I had a serious brain injury, I might well write a children's book,' but otherwise the idea of being conscious of who you're directing the story to is anathema to me, because, in my view, fiction is freedom and any restraints on that are intolerable." Your response?
a) "Oh, grow up, Martin! Every artist works within restraints. Look at van Gogh. He didn't let the loss of an ear stop him from painting masterpieces!"
b) "But, you find the restraint of being a misanthropic, misogynist pig tolerable?"
c) "But, if the courts say you have to stay at least 500 feet away from her, how can you...umm...you...you weren't talking about restraint orders, were you?"
8) The second piece of legislation brought to the floor of the House of Representatives by the new Republican majority is called: "HR 2: To repeal the job-killing health care law and health care-related provisions in the Health Care and Education Reconciliation Act of 2010." Whose jobs, exactly, will be killed if the Democrats' health care reform is allowed to stand?
a) a thousand health care lobbyists' jobs, that's whoms, buster! (Get your grammar straight!) Do you really want to inflict lobbyists in $1,000 suits ranting about the unfairness of the system on the former fast food flippers in Unemployment lines?
b) owners of the small businesses that employ over 10,000 people and net billions of dollars of profits, you heartless bastard!
c) Alfric the Gormless and Elijah Iguanaheart
9) A week after conservative media conglomerate Comcast was given the greenlight to purchase NBC/Universal, Keith Olbermann, arguably MSNBC's most liberal host, was fired. MSNBC representatives say that there is no connection between the two events. How credible is this assertion?
a) not very: when you look at it, the assertion crumbles faster than Edelpilz Blue cheese...mmm, Edelpilz Blue cheese...
b) very: everybody knows that part-owner of NBC/Universal General Electric is all about the free speech (as long as it isn't about ovens or military weapons systems...or military oven systems)
c) somewhat: everybody knows that Olbermann was always getting up people's - what the hell is a military oven system? - up people's noses. If he really wanted to keep his show, he should have toned down the harsh criticism. Of course, then it wouldn't be worth watching...
10) "Ethical oil" - marketing scam or surreptitious IQ test?
a) marketing scam
b) surreptitious IQ test
c) use this space for your work
11) What is "soft-core fascism?"
a) having gel on the lens when you take away people's rights
b) portrayals of torture that don't show penetration
c) the name of a movie Shannon Tweed didn't star in
12) Who wrote O: A Presidential Novel?
a) William Shakespeare
b) do you mean Francis Bacon?
c) if I had meant Francis Bacon, I would have answered Francis Bacon
d) but, everybody knows that Francis Bacon wrote many of the works attributed to William Shakespeare
e) you're both wrong - it was Christopher Marlowe
f) oh, don't be daft!
g) Marlowe couldn't write his way out of a paper sack if two cats with quill pens and an endless supply of ink were in there with him!
h) Dr. Seuss
i) actually, most of Dr. Seuss' best work was written by James Thurber
j) oh, don't even go there!
k) who cares? The whole thing is a marketing scam - look at all the attention the book has gotten because people are so eager to speculate on the identity of the author. And, you know it's going to be somebody you've never heard of, somebody who will probably write two or three books over the next decade that get middling to poor reviews and subsequently drop off the literary radar, you just know it. Besides, everybody knows that the author of O: A Presidential Novel is Francis Bacon!
l) no! I insist it was Christopher Marlowe!
m) oh, here we go...
13) Hosni Mubarak is 82 years old. He has been the leader of Egypt for decades. Yet, even with a popular uprising, he refuses to step down. Why does Mubarak cling to power?
a) he has a lifetime supply of black hair dye, and he doesn't want it to go to waste in private life
b) he knows what the protesters seem to forget: American Presidents come and go, but the country's oil dependence is forever
c) Mubarak clinging to power? How long ago did you write this question?
14) Many people on the right seem to have problems with modernity; they long for a simpler past. What are they nostalgic for?
a) cheap beer, a dime for the jukebox and a warm pilot light in everybody's keister
b) the days when we were fighting the Indian hordes with nothing but our wits and the B52 bombers that were the product of American engineuity
c) the pleistocene era, when cavemen were cavemen and pterodactyls were scared
15) What is the difference between a bag of crazy and a sack of stupid?
a) the size of the ensuing mess (and who cleans it up)
b) a bag of crazy may contain up to 37 times more FDA disapproved bad ideas by weight than a sack of stupid (be aware: some settling will never occur)
c) the sack of stupid is easily distracted while the bag of crazy won't let go of an insane idea until it's run the entire country into the ground
16) The actions of a group often send a message to others. When the Egyptian military cleared the last remaining protestors out of Tahrir Square so traffic could flow through it, what message were they sending to the Egyptian people?
a) "Okay, children, play time is over. Step aside and let the adults take over."
b) "The wombat [wink wink] sells overcoats [nudge nudge] to the ephemeral cuticle enhancement surgeon [say no more] at midnight!"
c) "We're only suspending the Constitution until we can smooth the transition to civilian power. Sure, we are. Trust us..."
17) The London Stock Exchange has announced that it will be merging with the Toronto Stock Exchange. What will the TSX's role in this merger be?
a) bat boy
b) coffee gofer
c) the TSX will hold the LSE's coat as it duels with other international stock exchanges at dawn
d) what? The LSE will hold a majority of shares and seats on the board of directors of the new company - the TSX will be lucky if it gets a pat on the head and breakfast in the morning!
18) Are You Afraid Your Adult Kid Will Never Get Married?
a) I'm afraid my child parents will never get divorced
b) aRe you AFRaid the worLd doesn't have ENouGH CaPiTaL leTTerS?
c) I'm not afraid of nothing! Nothing, see? Who said I was afraid of anything? I'll bet it was somebody at head office. Sure, those clowns at head office're always putting down the guy in the field, the guy who's actually out there making things happen, the guy who's making money so that they can sit back and say, "I told you so," even when they didn't say anything of the kind. Especially when they didn't say anything of the kind! Did...did anybody at head office say I was afraid? You...you would tell me if they did, right? It's okay. Really. I...I'm not afraid - no, I...I'm curious. See? Just...curious... I...I...I...TELL ME ALREADY, DAMMIT! I HAVE A RIGHT TO KNOW! Whimper whimper moan...
19) In his last official press conference (expect him to start having unofficial press conferences from his bedroom...at one am...with the lights down real low...) Robert Gibbs called upon somebody to "stop arresting protestors and journalists, harassment, beatings and detention of reporters, of activists, and of those involved in civil society." Upon whom (not whoms - ever heard of a thing called a dictionary?) was Gibbs calling?
a) the democratic government of Iraq
b) the Toronto police after the G20 summit
c) Scarlett O'Hara
20) Who is Esperanza Spalding?
a) Groucho Marx in drag
b) really? You don't - really? She's just the woman who has been cleaning your house and watching your children for the last 12 years! You should talk to her once in a while (if only to keep your children relatively safe)
c) a starlet from the 1940s who was featured in such films as Moonlight Brings Out the Worst in Her and Bringing Up Buffo, who, in later life, had a career as Special Envoy to the United Nations for Wombats
