1) Can you explain what the latest WikiLeaks are without resorting to toilet humour?
Too late.
2) True. Sad, but true. Okay, can you explain what the latest WikiLeaks are with a minimum of toilet humour?
Sure. Julian Assange is such a charming rogue that people love to give him gifts. They just love to...give him things. Jewellery. Rare and exotic perfumes. State secrets. Recently, somebody was so delighted by Assange's a capella rendition of "Some Enchanted Evening" that the man gave him 250,000 secret American diplomatic cables. And, Julian, well, he has such a big heart that he decided to share his good fortune with the world. On the Internet. On the Wiki that isn't actually a Wiki - WikiLeaks. Presumably, Assange got what he wanted - everybody else, though, found important relationships ending up in the toilet.
3) Oww! And, you were doing so well, too!
What can I say? I have the political instincts of a seven year-old.
4) Ooooookay. Moving on. What did we learn from the latest batch of WikiLeaks?
It was such a disappointment! People wanted The West Wing; what they got was Jersey Shore.
5) What...does that even mean?
What does it mean? Listen: you expect diplomats to be sending top secret cables that read: "The geopolitical position of Dictator for Eternity Grelnick is becoming increasingly untenable as Pakistan beefs up its border patrols and China reconsiders its support for his anarchokleptocracy." What you get is: "Jesus! The entire Saudi royal family: do they buy their cologne by the barrel? You can smell them a mile away - and 30,000 feet up!" And, "What is up with Hamid Karzai's uniform? Is the guy dressed by his mom, or what? What a loser!"
It's like high school with long range tactical missiles.
According to leaked cables: Libya's Moammar Gadhafi travels with a voluptuous blond nurse. French President Nicolas Sarkozy chased after a son's runaway pet at an official diplomatic meeting. Kazakhstan PM Karim Massimov is a dance fiend. Chechen leader Ramzan Kadyrov danced at a wedding with a gold plated automatic weapon stuffed in his pants and tossed hundred dollar bills at guests. I could go on.
Turkmenistan President Kurbanguly Berdymukhamedov is a "practiced liar" who is "not very bright." Turkish PM Recep Tayyip Erdogan has secret Swiss bank acc -
8) Okay, okay. I get it. It's all gossip. But, if so, why is it secret?
Did you even go to high school?
9) Did we learn anything else?
Sure. Canadian diplomats have contempt for Afghanis, Chinese diplomats have contempt for North Korea, Saudi Arabian diplomats have contempt for Iran and American diplomats have contempt for just about everybody.
10) It can't be all negative. Doesn't Pakistan's leadership love the United States?
Sure. But, it's people don't, so don't expect them to remain the country's leadership for very long.
Oh, and speaking of world leaders ripe who are coup bait, Afghan President Hamid Karzai's no peach, either. In one of the cables, he is reported to have said that NATO troops - you know, the ones who are very expensively dying to keep him in power? - gave him a headache. Of course, there's a fast-acting remedy for that: withdrawal.
11) Why doesn't Canada give Karzai fast, fast relief?
It would give Prime Minister Stephen Harper brain cramps.
12) I don't believe this. Come on! Throw me a bone, here! Wasn't there anything of substance in the latest WikiLeaks? Anything at all?
Weeeeeellllll...there was this one thing. Remember how Spain was investigating six Bush White House officials for creating the framework that justified torture? According to one WikiLeaks document, officials in the Obama White House, in collusion with Republicans, threatened that they would end their relationship with Spain, potentially trashing the country's economy, if charges were brought. Not only that, but they would stop allowing Spaniards to watch Real Wives of New Jersey - the bastards!
13) Holy shit! The United States interfered with a criminal investigation of another country! Why isn't this a major story in the United States?
Americans are too busy watching Real Wives of New Jersey.
14) What about the leak where Secretary of State Hillary Clinton complains about the reluctance of Arab countries, led by Saudi Arabia, to cut funds for Islamic extremists? Wouldn't that hurt American relations with those countries?
Dude, those countries fund Islamic extremists! The only way the relationship could get worse is if they bought full page ads in the New York Times commending terrorists on their resourcefulness in they face of daunting odds! And, don't think they haven't thought of it!
15) Another WikiLeaks document states that China is paranoid about freedom of information on the Internet and is finding ways (like hacking Google) to control it. Is this true?
Of course not! Absolutely not! The Chinese government is committed to free speech and would do nothing to interfere with that. Nothing, I tell you! And, we're not just saying that because Les Pages aux Folles is drooling over the country's billion plus readers!
16) Was the United States really monitoring the CBC for anti-American programming?
Don't sound so surprised! Everybody knows that Canadians get their political beliefs from coded messages in Little House on the Prairie, This Hour Has 22 Minutes and Yam Roll. Especially Yam Roll. When Minamiko says, "I don't know if I should wear the red dress of the yellow dress," Canadians understand that she's really saying, "The American practice of extraordinary rendition is a war crime. Write your local newspaper in protest!"
17) Why would American diplomats be ordered to collect fingerprints and DNA samples from enemies, allies and other prominent international figures?
The State Department was worried that the diplomatic corps was getting restless, and wanted its diplomats to have a hobby.
18) Jesus! Wouldn't that turn every diplomat into a spy?
Most already fantasize that they are, so where's the harm?
19) What has the American government done about the leaks?
An aide to Senator Joe Lieberman asked Amazon to remove the documents from its server. It did, but not, it claims, because of government pressure; rather, it was because WikiLeaks violated the company's terms of service. Right. The clause in its ToS agreement that says it shall not create a situation in which Amazon will receive complaints from an aide to Senator Joe Lieberman! Not that this mattered: the documents were moved to a Swiss server with little disruption and, in any case, details of the documents have appeared in newspapers all over the world. As long as nobody in the world reads, the government's secrets are safe.
20) This Julian Assange who is behind WikiLeaks, he's a pretty shady character, isn't he?
Absolutely. He is wanted for questioning in the rape of two women. And, when I say rape, I mean "sex by surprise," which sounds suspiciously like "prosecution by surprise" to me, but it's close enough to rape for most North American media. The crime he has been accused of is having sex without a condom after he was asked specifically to wear one, and, in one of the cases, he was apparently wearing a condom, but it broke. If convicted, he will probably have to pay a fine. Okay, I wouldn't invite him to my next orgy, but, still, calling for his death seems a bit harsh...
21) Who would be crazy enough to call for Assange's death for leaking some documents?
The Washington Times' Jeffrey T. Kuhner. Canadian right-wing extremist Ezra Levant. American right-wing extremist John Hawkins. Former Stephen Harper adviser Tom Flanagan. Other American right-wing extremist Bill O'Reilly. Nobody whose opinion matters, really.
22) Okay, assassination may be somewhat extreme, but, honestly, don't you have any problems with the latest WikiLeaks?
Yes! Les Pages aux Folles wasn't criticized by any world leaders or diplomats! What do I have to do to get their attention? Collect and publish secret diplomatic cab...hmmm....